Okay time to liven things up a bit with some jokes!

Good movie...eh?

 

Must be something about the friggin' sound track....

 

I was going to post a joke about time travel, but you didn't think it was funny.

 

You're right I probably won't.

 

I was laughing on the inside. Subjunctively.

 

You wish.

 

5000 MEN WERE SURVEYED AS TO WHY THEY LIKE TO RECEIVE ORAL SEX.


1% LIKED THE WARMTH,

2% LIKED THE SENSATION

3% LIKED THE EROTICISM,

94% JUST LIKED THE PEACE AND QUIET

 

I did a search and it doesn't look like this joke (that I referenced in the odd-ball picture thread) has made its way into these august halls.

This guy is a real rounder and has been with more women than he can remember. So naturally when he decides to settle down he wants to marry a girl who is a virgin. He decides that in fact he wants her to be so pure and chaste that she doesn't even know what a dick looks like.

He found lots of candidates and took them out on dates, but alas when he'd pull out his junk and ask if they knew what it was, every one of them admitted that not only did they know what it was but had plenty of prior experience with them.

One day though, it was different. The young nubile lady blinked her eyes and said she didn't know what it was and had never seen "one of those" before. Long story short, he proposed, she accepted, they got married. On their wedding night he pulled it out again and began explaining:

"This," sweetie, "is a dick. And ..."

"Oh," she interrupted, "That's what it is. I though all of those were 12 inches long and came with way bigger balls."

 

An old physician, Doctor John Geezer, became very bored in retirement and decided to re-open a medical clinic.

He put a sign up outside that said:
"Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured, get back $1,000."

Doctor Digger Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."

Dr. Young: 'Aaagh! -- This is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations!

You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't -- that is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!"

Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, "Here's your $1000 back" (giving him a $10 bill).

Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"

Remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to annoy us.

 

^^that's a repost.

 

After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”.

She responds by yelling, at the top of her voice, “NO! I will not sleep with you!”.

Everyone at the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is extremely embarrassed and slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologises. She smiles and says quietly “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a psychology student and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations”.

To this, the man responds at the top of his voice “WHAT DO YOU MEAN A THOUSAND BUCKS !?!”

 

That is also a repost....

 

Those Southerners have a way with words!

These are actual comments made by South Carolina Troopers that were taken off their car videos:

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

16.. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.
Sign here."

 

I’ve heard #6 before

 

#16

 

Oldie but a goodie

 

17. Meow sir, do you know how fast you were going?

18. Licenses and registration...... chicken fucker!