Okay time to liven things up a bit with some jokes!

My nephew always tells me 'ya know, people are dying to get in there...'

LOL

 

My joke I invented when I was 5:

Why are they called a “woman”. Because when Adam saw Eve he said “whoa! man!”

 

What’s the most popular place in town?

The cemetery. Everyone is just dying to get in there.

 

The US Dept of Agriculture is going to be outlawing farmers from using or making the large round hay bales.....







Because the cows aren’t getting a square meal with them.

 

The Steelers.

 

/thread

 

A couple wants to have sex but their son is in the house.

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie " with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities...

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.

"An ambulance just drove by!"

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike!"

"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"

"Jason is on his skate board!"

After a few moments he announced... "The Coopers are having sex. Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed.

Dad cautiously called out..."How do you know they're having sex?" "Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."

 

Then after she got them kicked out he said "Woe Man".

 

For Halloween...
A masquerade ball was held and the theme was to come dressed as an emotion.

First knock on the door revealed a guy dressed head to toe in red.
When asked which emotion he represented he said he was "anger" and was admitted.

Second guy knocking was dressed head to toe in green.
He said he had come to the party as "envy" and was admitted.

Third person to knock was a naked guy with his penis stuck into a pear.
He was told that the theme was to come dressed as an emotion and what did he think he was anyway.

He calmly stated he was "fuckin' despair".

 

day ago · #5
Best Irish joke ever.

Paddy had been drinking at his local pub all day and most of the night, celebrating St Patrick’s Day. Mick, the bartender says, ‘You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy’. Paddy replies, ‘OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then’. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. ‘Damn’ he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, ‘oh bloody damn!’ He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he’ll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face. ‘Be-Jesus… I’m in bloody trouble,’ he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says ‘No bloody way....’ He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says ‘I can make it to the bed’. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says ‘damn it’ and falls into bed. The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, ‘Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?’ Paddy says, ‘I did, Jess. I was bloody pissed. But how did you know?’








‘Mick phoned .. . . You left your wheelchair at the pub.’

 

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the ugly guy's house!


Knock knock...
Who's there?
The chicken.

 

You know what always makes me smile?



















Face muscles.

 

Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer

One says to the other

"Does this taste funny to you?"

The other says

"No"

 

It would take more than two

 

Does the arachnophobia support group have a website?

 

Fingers have fingertips but toes don't have toetips; yet you can tiptoe but not tipfinger.

 

A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency. Social workers there raise doubts about the living conditions in a circus, but the couple produces photos of their 50-foot luxury motor home, which is clean and well-maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers also raise concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care. "We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills."

Then the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment. "Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare and diet."

The social workers are finally satisfied and ask, "What age and gender child are you hoping to adopt?"

"It doesn't really matter as long as the kid fits in the cannon."

 

When I was a teen, my dad showed me a 30 minute PowerPoint presentation on why one should always wear a condom during sex.

All the slides were just pictures of me.

 

Saw this one on thechive.com and thought it was funny.


How did the sperm cell cross the road?




I put on the wrong sock this morning.