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Okay time to liven things up a bit with some jokes!

Discussion in 'General' started by Pepe Le Ghey Pew, Oct 25, 2007.

  1. crusty9r

    crusty9r Human Lawn Dart

    A magician was working on a cruise ship.

    Since the audience was different each week, the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.

    Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

    The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's parrot.

    Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank.

    The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... With the parrot.

    They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

    This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said...

    "Okay, I give up. Where's the ship??
     
  2. Johnny B

    Johnny B Cone Rights Activist

    A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

    He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”

    She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”

    “Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”

    She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that…
    1) You have to be single and
    2) You must be Catholic.”

    The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”

    “OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”

    The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

    “My dear child,” said the nun, “why are you crying?”

    “Forgive me, but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”

    The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party!”
     
  3. Banditracer

    Banditracer Dogs - because people suck

    That is pretty good. :crackup:
     
  4. David-imoddavid

    David-imoddavid Well-Known Member

    An elderly couple walk into a fast food restaurant. They order one hamburger, one order of fries and one drink.

    The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half. He places one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counts out the fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placing one pile in front of his wife.

    He takes a sip of the drink, his wife takes a sip and then sets the cup down between them. As he begins to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them keep looking over and whispering `That poor old couple – all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.`

    As the man begins to eat his fries a young man comes to the table. He politely offers to buy another meal for the old couple.

    The old man replies that they`re just fine – they`re just used to sharing everything.

    The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn`t eaten a bite. She sits there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

    Again the young man comes over and begs them to let him buy another meal for them.

    This time the old woman says `No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.`

    As the old man finishes and was wipes his face neatly with the napkin,the young man again comes over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asks `May I ask what is it you are waiting for?`

    The old woman answers… the teeth.`
     
  5. auminer

    auminer Renaissance Redneck

    A pig's orgasm reportedly lasts 30 minutes.

    Hell, mine would too, if I was having sex with something made outta bacon!
     
  6. gixxernaut

    gixxernaut Hold my beer & watch this

    The "Tyne Daily" discussion in the Oddball Picture thread reminded me of this oldie:

    Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.
    Michael J Fox has a small one.
    Madonna doesn't have one.
    The pope has one but he never uses it.
    Bill Clinton has one and he uses it all the time!
    What is it?







    A penis
     
  7. gixxernaut

    gixxernaut Hold my beer & watch this

    Whoops, can't believe I f***ed that up so badly. The answer is "Last Name" :oops:
     
    badmoon692008 likes this.
  8. ryoung57

    ryoung57 Off his meds



    Maybe you have some issues you need to work out with your therapist? Possibly a penis fixation? Tell me, what do you think of when you see these images?

    5379737A-B578-4D6C-BF2B-180B3A5CA482.jpeg 81E8A971-2AD3-4B83-B394-36D91B777CBE.jpeg A022B80E-8CFA-41BE-A20D-A8F319C11AE3.jpeg F0C8759B-3CD3-4BE0-9B67-6A6AA4EE694F.jpeg
     
    Last edited: Nov 12, 2018
  9. gixxernaut

    gixxernaut Hold my beer & watch this

    Me?!? Me?!? You're the one putting up all the dirty pictures!
     
    tiggen likes this.
  10. cha0s#242

    cha0s#242 Ignorance and prejudice and fear walk hand in hand

    I remember once when my dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead I bought a raffle ticket for a brand new car. When I got home, I explained to my dad what I did and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the door, outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried, especially me, because the car was from the electricity company and they were there to cut off the electricity. My dad beat the crap out of me again.
     
    Last edited: Nov 21, 2018
    badmoon692008 and grasshopper like this.
  11. auminer

    auminer Renaissance Redneck

    I bought a brand new U2 GPS on a Black Friday sale.

    Damn thing sucks! The streets have no name and I still haven't found what I'm looking for.
     
    R Acree and 2blueYam like this.
  12. Potts N Pans

    Potts N Pans Well-Known Member

    This joke will give you The Edge in this thread
     
  13. auminer

    auminer Renaissance Redneck

    A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship.

    The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

    Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."
     
    Razr and rd400racer like this.
  14. A guy goes into a bookstore, and asks the clerk, "Do you have the new self-help book for men with small penises?"

    Confused, the clerk taps at her computer for a minute, and says, "Sorry, it's not in yet."

    The guy replies, "Yeah, that's the one!"
     
    Razr likes this.
  15. In Your Corner

    In Your Corner Dungeonesque Crab AI Version

  16. ryoung57

    ryoung57 Off his meds

    9297D58D-20E8-4A1E-B15A-775DFBB7FC09.jpeg
     
    tiggen and lazlo like this.
  17. auminer

    auminer Renaissance Redneck

    [​IMG]


    Trojan is a pretty shitty name for a condom brand.

    It's basically named after something that penetrated a stronghold, then broke open and a bunch of dudes poured out & fucked everybody's day up.
     
  18. Banditracer

    Banditracer Dogs - because people suck

  19. zertrider

    zertrider Waiting for snow. Or sun.

    WARNING: Female aliens are kidnapping men with big cocks this Christmas. Obviously, you are not in danger but I am texting to let you know this spaceship is fucking awesome!!
     
  20. ryoung57

    ryoung57 Off his meds


    [​IMG]
     
    pickled egg likes this.

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