Okay time to liven things up a bit with some jokes!

A retired man went in to the Job Center in downtown Denver, and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.

The clerk pulled up the file and read, "the job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. you have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down, wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the Gynecologist's examination."

"The annual salary is $65,000 and you'll have to go to Billings, Montana"

"Good grief! Is that where the job is?"

"No sir, that's where the end of the line for applicants is right now."

 

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a
Particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,
"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you spend this on bike parts instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't had a bike in 20 years!"
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?
The man replied,
"That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and bikes."

 

A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his unholstered pistol.

"I have a 45 caliber Colt 1911 with a seven round magazine, plus one in the chamber!" he yelled. "I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife!"

A voice from the back of the room called out, "You need more ammo!"

 

I came across this clip of Hollywood Squares Q&A's:

Q . Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness! (The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years?
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A.. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

 

I've never heard of anyone on that list but Don Knotts

 

go back to your millenial bubble

 

Speaking of very readable 'auto'-biographies.....

 

I'm 40

 

A young trick or treater bangs on a door for candy; "Trick or treat!"

Man opens door and asks, "Well well well! What are you supposed to be?"

Kid answers, "A pirate."

Man playfully responds, "Oh yeah? Well where are you buccaneers?"

Kid, "Underneath my buccin' hat."

 

The only thing more irritating than millennial angst is old dudes blaming every single fucking thing they don’t like on millennials.

 

Eh , the kids are alright, they just annoy the crap out of me sometimes.

 

Forget to take your meds this morning?

 

Eh, maybe. I’m old enough to be prescribed a bunch of em. (Not a millennial.)

 

The widow and the urn

A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought the ashes home. Picking up the urn he was in, she poured him out on the counter.
Then while tracing her fingers through the ashes, she started talking to him.
Richie, you know that fur coat you promised me? I bought one with the insurance money.
Richie, remember that new car you promised me? Well, I also bought one with the insurance money.
Richie, that emerald necklace you promised me? I bought it too, with the insurance money.
Still tracing her fingers through the ashes, she said,
Richie, remember that blow job I promised you? Well, here it comes !!

 

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge."

"I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."