Okay time to liven things up a bit with some jokes!

It's All About Results:

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.

Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses him, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you into the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, from New York.”

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

Now it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am the Right Reverend Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven ."

"Just a minute," says the priest. "That man was a taxi driver. Why does he get a silken robe and golden staff?"

"Results," shrugged Saint Peter.

"While you preached, people slept. When he drove, people prayed."



substitute taxi cab driver for a ride in the crash truck

 

Joe's Boat

Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself.

One day he rented out his boat to a group from out-of-state who sank it. Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening.

Therefore, Joe did not know that his brother John's wife had died suddenly that day. When Joe got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old neighbor woman mistook him for John and said: "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said: "Heck no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. ;I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys who were looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The darn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle!"

The old woman fainted

 

dude...you violated all sorts of bbs rules....


repost....

by the same person!! (you)


in the same damn thread!!!!!


less than a week ago!!!!!!!!!

 

Go Steelers

A Steelers fan liked to amuse himself by scaring every Browns fan he saw strutting down a Pittsburgh street in an obnoxious orange and brown shirt. He would swerve his van as if to hit them, then swerve back just missing them.

One day, while driving along on the North Side, he saw a priest
walking along the street. He thought he would do a good deed, so he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"

"I'm going to give Mass at St. Francis church, about two miles down the road," replied the priest.

"Climb in, Father. I'll give you a lift!"

The priest climbed into the passenger seat, and they continued down the road.

Suddenly, the driver saw a Browns fan walking down the road, and he instinctively swerved as if to hit him. But, as usual, he swerved back onto the road just in time. Even though he was certain that he had missed the guy, he still heard a loud THUD.

Not knowing where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors but still didn't see anything.

He then remembered the priest, and he turned to the priest and said,

"Sorry, Father, I almost hit that Browns fan!"

"That's OK," replied the priest, "I got him with the door."

 

Is that a BBS first?

 

The CIA, FBI, AND LAPD.

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the
best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a
test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch
it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest.
They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of
extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest,
killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no
apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear.
The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

 

:up:

That one was fookin funny!

 

El Presidente

Bush was on his morning job last Christmas and notice written in the snow, "Bush Sucks".

He was very upset and mobilized Homeland Security to find out who was responsible. A month later, the head of Homeland Security came to his office, “Mr. President, I have good news and I have bad news”.

Bush, “Give me the good news”, clearly irritated.
Head, “We have identified that the media used for this communication was your vice president Cheney’s urine”.
Bush in amazement, “That is the good news??? Give me the bad news”.
Head, “The bad news it that it is Barbara’s handwriting.”

 

Inquiring Minds Want to Know....

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

 

New it sounded funny.

 

No, no...that's the point, it wasn't new it had already been posted.

 

Forever

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God
appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines: one line for the
men who were true heads of their household and the other line for the
men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to
St Peter."

Soon, the women were gone and there were two lines of men. The line of
the men who were dominated by their wives was hundreds of miles long,
and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there
was only one man.

God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you to be
the head of your household. You have been disobedient and not fulfilled
your purpose. I told you to be the spiritual leader in your family. Of
all of you only one obeyed. Learn from him. Tell them, my son, how did
you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

 

A guy is taking a Sunday drive in the country and sees a sign in front of a house that says "Talking dog - free to a good home".
He decides he has to check this out and pulls into the driveway. A man is working in the yard and tells him to go around back if he wants to see the dog. He walks into the back yard and sees a Golden Retriever laying in the grass watching his puppies play. The guy walks up to the dog and says, "Can you really talk?"
"Sure" says the dog.
The guy is dumbfounded and asks the dog to tell him about his life.
'Well, I began to talk as a puppy. When I got older, I got a job with the military and I received several medals for my service in the war. After that, I went to work for the CIA. I could walk right up to anyone and eavesdrop on their conversations and no one would be the wiser. After years of that, I took a job at the airport working security. I was responsible for foiling hundreds of attempted hijackings and terrorist plots. Now, I'm just retired and spend my days raising my puppies. To this day, I'm not authorized to speak to anyone about the specifics of my work for national security reasons."
After hearing this amazing story, the guy gets up and walks over to the owner. "That's the most amazing dog I've ever met!"
The owner looks at him and says, "Did he tell you about the war and working as a spy?"
"He sure did. That's an incredible dog."


"Aw," says the owner, "he's a f**kin' liar! He never did any of that s**t!"

 

Why do girls fake orgasms?
Who cares?

 

Inquiring Minds Want to Know....

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

 

:wow:

 

Whats the difference between a blimp and 365 blowjobs?







One is a good year and the other a GREAT year

 

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?


Licoladapous.