Okay time to liven things up a bit with some jokes!

Stan walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:

"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."

The man says: "I think you'll find that I wasn't talking to you."

 

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was
> >standing in the queue at the till.
> >
> >A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
> >
> >On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again,
> >although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last
> >time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care
> >ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
> >
> >I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it
> >works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply
> >eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is
> >nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
> >
> >I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now
> >enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
> >
> >Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition
> >because I had been poisoned.
> >
> >I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my
> >balls and a car hit me.
> >
> >I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so
> >hard as he staggered out the door.
> >
> >Stupid cow..........why else would I buy dog food??

 

My brother was on the plane with his parachute on ready to make his first jump for Army Jump School. It was his first time to jump out of a plane so he was excited but a bit scared. The green light came on and the Jump Master signalled for them to go. They are jumping out and my brother gets to the door and freezes. He can't move and his body won't jump. The Jump Master Sgt. gets in his face and yells, "Boy if you don't get out of this plane I'm going to f*&^ you up the ass." I was like, "Damn man did you jump?" He said, "Well a little at first."

 

I stoleded your joke & posted it on ebaumsworld in the comments section for another, lameass joke... it got a good reaction.

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/jokes/read/44552/

Sorry for not crediting you.... that was a dam funny joke right there! (get it? dam funny?... LOL)

 

An old Irishman walks into a bar, hauls his bad leg over the stool, and asks for a whiskey. "Hey," he says, looking down the bar, "is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nods, so the Irishman orders Jesus one too.

An ailing Italian with a humpback walks in, shuffles up to the bar, and asks for a glass of Chianti. Noticing Jesus, the Italian orders Him a glass of Chianti too.

A redneck swaggers in and hollers, "Barkeep, set me up a cold one! Hey—is that God’s Boy down there?" The bartender nods, so the redneck orders Him a bottle of beer.

As Jesus gets up to leave, He touches the Irishman and says, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman jumps up and dances a jig.

Then Jesus touches the Italian and says, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian’s humpback straightens, and he does a flip.

Just then the redneck yells, "Don’t touch me! I’m drawing disability!"

 

The comments on the original joke were disturbing.

 

LOL I'll check em' out when I get home....work fliters are doing their job again dammit

 

His and Her Diaries

HER DIARY

Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.

Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you too."

When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. He seemed distant and absent. Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried.

I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY

Today the Giants lost, but at least I got laid.

 

Relationships

Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot
after shot.

The Indian man said to the American, "You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven't even met once. We call this arranged marriage. I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love...I told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems."

The American said, "Talking about love marriages... I'll tell you my story. I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years. "After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law.

My daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother. More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he is my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son i.e. my brother is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grandfather and I am my own grandson.

And you say you have family problems..Gimme a break!!!!"

 

There is a large group of people gathered in a room waiting for a well known speaker who will be speaking about ghosts and their presence in our lives. The speaker finally arrives and the room gets very quiet. He begins talking about ghosts and his experiences and the audience is in complete silence. He shares his stories, his encounter his theories. Everything he knows and has experienced about ghosts gets brought up. He goes on and on for a couple hours talking and talking without a single peep from the audience the whole time.

As he wraps up his presentation he tells his audience that it is now their turn.

He starts by asking some questions.

Speaker: How many of you out there have seen a ghost at some point in your lives..If so please raise your hand.
Audience: Most of the room raises their hands.
Speaker: That’s simply amazing!! See ghosts really are a part of our lives and some people live with them everyday. They can be seen anywhere if your one of the lucky ones. And you folks should consider yourselves very lucky to be graced by such a presence.

Speaker: How many of you have had a conversation with a ghost?
Audience: About 35% of the audience raises their hands including an elderly man in the back of the room.
Speaker: Folks I want you all to understand this is perfectly normal. Most folks that have seen a ghost in their lifetime will also have a conversation with them if given the opportunity. For those of you that have I want you all to feel blessed by this. It is rare to see a ghost and even more rare to be able to talk with one. Hold on to these memories.

Speaker: Now how many of you have physically felt or touched a ghost? Please raise your hands.
Audience: About 5% of the audience raises their hands, including an elderly man in the back of the room. At this point the speaker notices the old man, and a lot of folks begin talking and looking around to see who of those around them have touched a ghost….Some folks are in disbelief and the crowd starts talking amongst each other about their experiences and waiting to hear about others experiences…Most people are just in awe of those that have touched a ghost..After a few minutes of this and the audience sharing stories the speaker then says…
Speaker: You see folks our experience with ghosts isn’t just about seeing them. Sometimes we get to experience a much deeper connection with these ghosts. Those of you that have had this wonderful connection be very grateful as this is not something a lot of folks get to experience in their lives. When these moments occur cherish them.

The crowd is still buzzing and the speaker says….

Speaker: Now let me ask you all one last question.
How many of you have had a physical relationship involving sexual intercourse with a ghost?

At this point the audience falls deathly silent and the speaker just stands there in utter disbelief as the elderly man in the back of the room slowly raises his hand.

The speaker at this point is just dumbfounded and looks around the room not knowing what to do or say, but says.

Speaker: Sir you mean to tell me you have actually had sexual intercourse with a ghost??? Please tell us all more!

At this point the old man in the back of the room looks at the speaker and says .....Ghost?? I thought you said Goat!

 

what kind of coffee does dracula drink...


DeeeeCOFFINated!

 

Someone's been eating the kids' Haloween popsicles......

 

Smart Harry

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher took Harry to the principal's office who asked, "Harry, what's your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. They agreed.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?” Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade." Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered why she would ask such a question! Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?" Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open. Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" Harry: "Shake hands." The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?" Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......

 

lol!

 

Ed Zachary...

A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or any sex for over 5 years.

She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to
seek medical advice from the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr Chang.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr Chang said "OK, take off all your crose." The woman did as she was told.

"Now get down and craw reery reery fass to odderside of room." Again the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr Chang then said "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." As she did Dr Chang shook his head slowly.

"Your probrem vewy bad. You have Ed Zachary disease. Wurse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

The woman asked anxiously "Oh my God, Dr Chang what is Ed Zachary disease?"

Dr Chang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your arse".

 

What did the fish say when it ran into the concrete wall?





Dam.

 

Billy Bob and Bubba were sitting around the trailer park talking one afternoon over a cold beer. After a while, Bubba says to Billy Bob, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off hunting and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"

The Billy Bob crooked his head sideways for a minute scratched his head and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it sure would make us even."

 

Doctor's Office

Two old ladies, Mary and Susan were waiting in a doctor's office for a long long time.

Mary, "we have been sitting here so long, my butt has gone to sleep".
Susan, "I know Mary, I can hear it snore".

 

You're on to me...

and they were the red white and blue popcicles... firecrackers or whatever

 

Good on you all for keeping this going...I've been gone the last two days with work so much too my surprise that this thread is 5 pages deep. Some good jokes in there too. :up: