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Okay time to liven things up a bit with some jokes!

Discussion in 'General' started by Pepe Le Ghey Pew, Oct 25, 2007.

  1. Captain Squid

    Captain Squid Well-Known Member

    Jig and his wife are lying in bed at night, when the phone rings. Jig answers, listens for a moment and says "How do I know, I'm not a weatherman," then he hangs up.

    The wife asks "Who was it?"

    The husband replies "I don't know, but he asked if the coast was clear."
  2. Captain Squid

    Captain Squid Well-Known Member

    A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.
    "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us
    sitting here, years ago.

    Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.

    Chinese food is loaded with MSG.

    High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs

    in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we
    all have, or will, eat it.

    Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and
    suffering for years after eating it?"

    After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised
    his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."
  3. Captain Squid

    Captain Squid Well-Known Member

    The Face Lift

    A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.

    She spends $5,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you
    don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

    "About 32," is the reply.

    "Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.

    A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

    The girl replies, "I guess about 29."

    The woman replies, "Nope I'm 50."

    Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

    The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."

    Again she proudly responds, "I! am 50, but thank you."

    While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY
    how old you are."

    They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

    He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast...He gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

    After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am ! I?"

    He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says. "Madam, you are 50."

    Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"

    The old man replies, "promise you won't get mad?"

    "I promise! I won't " she says.

    He replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
  4. Captain Squid

    Captain Squid Well-Known Member

    Hillary Clinton went to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she was pregnant! The senator was furious! She was in the middle of her first term as Senator of New York and this had to happen to her! She called home and got Bill on the phone. Hillary immediately started screaming, "How could you have let this happen?! With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you?! I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault! Your fault! Well, what do you have to say for yourself?!" There was nothing but dead silence on the phone. Hillary screamed again, "Did you hear me?!" Finally she heard Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, Bill said, "Who is this?!"
  5. Captain Squid

    Captain Squid Well-Known Member

    As we age, our priorities change . The other day I came home and was greeted by my wife, dressed only in very sexy underwear and holding a couple of short velvet ropes.
    "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
    So, I tied her up and went riding.:D :D :D :D :D :D :D
  6. Captain Squid

    Captain Squid Well-Known Member

    A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house. She knocked on the door, then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
    "What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for John to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
    "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
    "Love dress? But you're naked!"
    "John loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
    The mother-in-law left.
    When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
    Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.
    "What are you doing?" he asked.
    "This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.
    "Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?
  7. Captain Squid

    Captain Squid Well-Known Member

    Jig drove his pickup alongside the road and showed his buddy Jed where he'd first had sex.
    "It was right down there by that there tree. I remember it plain as day. It was a warm summer day... We were madly in love... We made our way down to that the tree and made love for hours," explained Jig.
    "That sounds amazing," exclaimed Jed.
    "Yep, it was goin' real well until I looked up and saw her momma standing right there watching us..."
    "Damn, what did her momma say when she saw you puttin' it to her daughter?"
  8. Captain Squid

    Captain Squid Well-Known Member

    Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death

    They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden...

    "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I is sure of eet".

    "Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee".

    So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon.

    There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you> can imagine!!

    "Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree".

    "Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don'forget".

    "Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell of bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".

    And with that...Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down is his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

    "Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree"

    "Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?"

    "Pepe...ees not a bacon tree....


    "Ees, a Ham Bush"
  9. Captain Squid

    Captain Squid Well-Known Member

    Bessie and Daisy are 2 cows grazing in a pasture. Bessy says to Daisy, "I got artificially inseminated this morning". Daisy says, "No way, really?". Bessy says, "Seriously, no bull"
  10. Captain Squid

    Captain Squid Well-Known Member

    Jig goes to vegas. He goes into a cathouse where he picks a pretty decent looking girl. They go upstairs and he says"Baby, I gots me $500. Gimmie some poon!" She says, "For $500, i'll give you a hand-job." "For $500! A Hand-job!?!" She says, "You see that $500,000 Rolls-Royce out there? Paid for it with hand-jobs." He submits to it, and gets the best Hand-job ever, goes home happy. The next week, this whole scene is repeated. "I gots me $1000, baby. Gimmie some poon!" She says, "You see that apartment complex over there?" "I paid for that with BJ's. And for $1000, that's what you'll get." "A $1000 BJ!!!! Ok, fine!" He succumbs once again, and leaves satisfied.

    Well, Jig sells his bike, car, and home. He comes to the ho with $50,000. "Baby, I gots me $50,000!" "I need some of that!" She, again, opens the window and points. "You see that Casino over there?" Jig says, "Yeah, yeah. You paid for that with your poontang!" She says, "No, but if I had one I bet I could."
    Wd65 likes this.
  11. Captain Squid

    Captain Squid Well-Known Member

    A man goes into an adult entertainment shop and asks the attendant for
    an inflatable doll. "Would you like male or female?"

    "Female, please."

    "Would you like Black, or White?"

    "White, please."

    "Would you like Christian or Muslim?"

    This question confused the man and he replied: "What has the religion got
    to do with it? It's an inflatable doll!"

    "Well," explained the assistant, "The Muslim one blows itself up."
  12. Captain Squid

    Captain Squid Well-Known Member

    A man sees a hooker on the corner and asks her for a hand job. She says that'll be 50 bucks. The man is irate and says 50 bucks for a hand job. She says yup 50 bucks. So the man walks away mad and goes around the corner and proceeds to pull his member out and take care of business. After he's done he walks over to the hooker and says ok I'll take that hand job now. She says why are you going to pay 50 bucks for a hand job now but not before, and the man replies "what do think I'm going to pay you 50 bucks for the easy one."
  13. Captain Squid

    Captain Squid Well-Known Member

    Two friends were just about to tee off on the first hole at their local golf course when another man, carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't show up."

    "Sure," they said, "You're more than welcome."

    So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way through the course, one of the friends turned to the newcomer and said, "What do you do for a living?"

    "I'm a hit man," was his reply.

    "You're joking!" was their response.

    "No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, he pulled out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

    "That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."

    So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window."

    "Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha
    Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her ...... He's naked, too!!! The bitch!"

    He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

    "I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

    "Can you do two for me now?"

    "Sure, what do you want?"

    "First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth."

    "Then my neighbor, he's still a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

    The hit man grabbed the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

    "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

    "Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here.....".
  14. Captain Squid

    Captain Squid Well-Known Member

    A man and his wife are in the shower together when the doorbell rings. The wife puts on a robe and goes down to answer the door.

    In walks her husband’s friend Ben. The woman tells him her husband’s in the shower and asks if he can come back later. Instead, Ben steps in and quietly says, "I have $400 in my pocket. I’ll give it to you if you’ll open your bathrobe for me." She’s offended, but really needs the money so she agrees, opens her robe, and lets Ben have a quick peek before doing it up again. Ben gives her the $400, and she opens the door for him to leave, but he says, "I have another $400 in my other pocket. I’ll give it to you if you let me touch your breasts." Now she’s really mortified, but again, she needs the money, so she undoes her robe and lets him have a quick feel. Taking the other $400 from him, she lets him out the door.

    Going back upstairs, she gets back in the shower with her husband, feeling a little bit guilty.

    "Who was that?" the husband asks.

    "Oh, that was just Ben," the wife answers.

    "Ben?" the husband says. "That son of a bitch owes me 800 bucks!"
  15. Captain Squid

    Captain Squid Well-Known Member


    A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve her.

    Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.

    He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

    Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

    "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says.

    They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

    After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

    They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

    The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! !! !

    "You know, " he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "

    "No, " she replies. . . . . . "

    Wait for it. .

    It's coming. .

    She says:

    "You just happened to catch my eye."
  16. Captain Squid

    Captain Squid Well-Known Member

    A heavyset guy sees an ad that reads "Lose weight. Only $10 a pound. Call (202) 555-0238" and decides to make the call. The operator asks, "How much weight do you want to lose?"

    "Ten pounds," he replies.

    "We’ll have a representative over in the morning," says the operator.

    About 9 a.m., there’s a knock on the door. There stands a fairly good-looking girl, completely naked except for a sign around her neck reading “If You Catch Me, You Can Have Me.”

    The hefty fellow chases her upstairs, downstairs, and all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing, he catches her. After they have sex, he runs to the bathroom and weighs himself. He’s lost 10 pounds!

    That night he calls the number again and says, "I want to lose 20 pounds."

    "We’ll send someone over."

    The next morning, he’s greeted by a gorgeous girl dressed only in track shoes and wearing a sign around her neck that reads “If You Catch Me, You Can Have Me.” The chase takes a good while longer this time, but later he finds he’s lost 20 pounds!

    That night he calls and says, "I want to lose 50 pounds!"

    "Fifty pounds?" the operator asks. "That’s an awful lot."

    The man replies, "Listen, just take care of it!"

    About 7 a.m. the man hears a knock and opens the door. Outside stands an enormous gorilla with a sign around its neck that reads “If I catch you…”
  17. Captain Squid

    Captain Squid Well-Known Member

    A duck walks into a deli. He asks the man at the counter, "do you have any duck food?". Th man replies "no, we are a deli, we don't sell duck food here". The duck thanks him, and goes on his way.

    The next day, the duck returns to the deli and asks the man at the counter, "do you have any duck food?". The man replies "no, I told you yesterday, we don't sell duck food here". The duck leaves once again.

    The following day, the duck retuns, and asks the clerk "do you have any duck food?" The clerk, getting irritated, replies "if you come in here and ask me that again, I am going to nail your feet to the floor!" The duck runs off.

    The very next day, the duck returns and asks the clerk "do you have any nails? The clerk, sort of confused, answers "no". The duck says, "in that case, do you have any duck food?"
  18. Captain Squid

    Captain Squid Well-Known Member

    A beautiful woman was walking down the street when she was approached by a man. The man said, "You are perfection, I must have you right now! I'll drop $500 on the ground at your feet and in the time it takes for you to pick it up I can have had my way with you roughly from behind!".

    The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute. She called her friend on her mobile phone and told her about the man's proposition. Her girlfriend said, "He's an idiot, take it cos when he drops the $500 on the ground I'm sure you can pick it up and run before he even gets his pants down." Call me back and tell me what happened." The friend says.

    An hour and a half later the lady had still not called back so her friend called her, "Well?
    What happened?" the friend asked. The lady replied, "The fu*ker had it in Quarters".
  19. Captain Squid

    Captain Squid Well-Known Member

    A seventeen-year-old girl goes to see her Mom and tells her that she has missed her period for two months.

    Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.

    The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

    Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!!"

    The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a brand new Ferrari stops at their house, a mature and distinguished man, with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them:

    "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge.

    If a girl is born I will bequeath her 3 stores, 2 townhouses, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account.

    If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories, and a $1,000,000 bank account.

    If it is twins, a factory and $500,000 each.

    However, if there is a miscarriage..."

    At this point, the father, who had remained silent all this time, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him: "You'll f*** her again.
  20. Captain Squid

    Captain Squid Well-Known Member

    A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there wearing dark shades.

    She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes.

    She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

    She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

    As she bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

    The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please.
    "The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

    He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the duck call is $11.00 and the catfish bait is $3.50."

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