Okay time to liven things up a bit with some jokes!

Driving down the road and saw my ex.
It's funny how "I'd hit that" changes meaning over the years.

 

I love how the earth rotates.


It really makes my day!

 

A guy gets shipwrecked on an island with only a dog and a pig to keep him company.

He builds a shelter, and there is plenty of fish, and lots of tree dead fall to build cook fires. He settles in to a routine, but after about 5 or 6 months, the little pig starts to looking good.

He controls himself for as long as he can, but one night he can't help himself. He scoots over to the pig and starts stroking her back and rubbing her feet, when all of a sudden the dog viciously attacks him.

He knocks it off, and sulks away, ashamed of himself.

Several more months go by, and the guy just can't hold out any longer. He checks to make sure that the dog is sound asleep, tiptoes over to the pig, and begins his overture. Sure enough, the dog wakes up and attacks him even more violently than before.

A couple of more months go by, the guy just spends his days sulking and pondering swimming out to sea to die.

There's a huge storm, and the next morning, a drop-dead gorgeous, world-class beautiful woman washes up to the beach clinging to some flotsam.

The guy gets down on his knees weeping, thanking his diety of choice for his good fortune.

He walks up to the woman and says, "Say... Would you please do me a favor? Hold this dog for me for a while!"

 

A mathmatician who specializes in probabilities became afraid of flying because the probability of someone smuggling a bomb onto the plane, while very low, was higher than he could tolerate.

Finally one day when he was required to fly to a convention he managed to get on the flight. Some of his colleagues who knew of his phobia asked him how he managed to overcome it.

"Simple," he said, "I calculated that the probability of two different people smuggline a bomb onto the plane was virtually non-existent. So I smuggled a bomb onto the plane."

 

Jay-Z just announced he now has 100 problems.

 

Peruvian owls only hunt in pairs.


Because they are Inca hoots.

 

I hear that Chad Kroeger from Nickel back absolutely loves to take part in Nativity plays.

He's played a shepherd, the inn keeper and one year, he even played the rear end of the donkey...




But he never made it as a wise man.

 

No crayons required

 

My friend was born with no shin.

His name is Tony.

 

There are very many words in the Spanish language that begin with the letter J.

Not too many begin with the letter K, though.

I'm not really sure why.

Poor K.

 

I shudder every time I see your name as the last poster on this thread.

 

He did mention the forbidden pastry in another thread…

You know what to do.

 

I just bought a new Jeep. I named it Elizabeth Warren cuz it's all white but it says it's a Cherokee.

 

In this situation, I'm like Dave K driving by an Audi dealership. I know it's going to hurt, but I go in anyhow.

 

I got drunk and went home with a Japanese porn star last night

All in all it was nice but the good parts remain blurry

 

After his examination, the doctor said to the elderly man: 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'

'In fact, I do.' said the old man.. "After I have sex with the wife, I am usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."

The doctor could not find any explanation for this.

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: 'Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?'

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you

the first time; and then hot and sweaty after the second time.

Do you know why?'

"Oh, that crazy old bastard'' she replied. “That's because...The first time is usually in December and The second time is in May.”

 

My wife is already thinking ahead and asked me where I was taking her for Valentine's Day.

Apparently "from behind" was not the correct answer.