Okay time to liven things up a bit with some jokes!

You're not the messiah. You’re a very naughty boy.

 

Stipulated, councilor.

 

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Walmart when they collide...

The first old guy says to the second guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.'

The second old guy says, 'That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'

The first old guy says, 'Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?'

'The second old guy says, 'Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing short shorts.

What does your wife look like?'

To which the first old guy says, 'Doesn't matter, let's look for yours.'

 

Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Georgia and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf.

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf, and head for lunch.

"Where you wanna go?"

"Hooters."

"Why Hooters?"

"They have those servers with the big boobs, the tight shorts, and the gorgeous legs."

"You're on."




At age 42, they meet and play golf again.

"Where you wanna go for lunch?"

"Hooters."

"Again? Why?"

"They have a cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games."

"OK."




At age 52 they meet and play again. "So where you wanna go for lunch?"

"Hooters.

"Why?"

"The food is pretty good and there's plenty of parking."

"OK."




At age 62 they meet again.

After a round of golf, one says, "Where you wanna go?"

"Hooters."

"Why?"

"Wings are half price and the food isn't too spicy."

"Good choice"




At age 72 they meet again.

Once again, after a round of golf, one says, "Where shall we go for lunch?"

"Hooters."

"Why?"

"They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they have senior discounts."

"Great choice."




At age 82 they meet and play again. "Where should we go for lunch?"

"Hooters."

"Why?"

"Because we've never been there before."

"Okay, let’s give it a try."

 

When I started reading this I was sure it was (ironically) a repost.


....but I don't remember it ending that way....

 

If it was, prolly way outside the statute of limitations.

 

Did you hear they're making a new Bond film that's woke? Bond starts as a man and transitions to a woman. The title is Cocktopussy.

 

Small business owner had two employees. He was agonizing over whether to let go of Jack or Jane. Both of them were stellar workers but business had fallen off to the point where he couldn't afford to keep both. So he decided the next morning whichever one took a break and went to the water cooler first would be the one to go.

Next morning about 9 o'clock Jane got up from her desk, took out a bottle of aspirin and went to the water cooler. Boss approaches her and said, "Jane, I'm sorry but I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."

She said, "Sorry, but it's going to have to be the latter. I've got a headache."

 

The wine taster at an old vineyard died. A homeless guy, looking ragged and dirty, came to apply. He persuaded the manager to give him a try.

The guy was given a glass of wine. He swirled, smelled, sipped and spit. “It's a red wine, Merlot, three years old, grown on the South Slope and matured in oak barrels." He said. "Impressive," said the manager.

The man is given another. "Still a red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, from the Northeast slope, stored in a steel vats.”

The manager was amazed. He winked at his secretary. The secretary understood and brought out a glass of urine. The drunkard tasted it and said. "It's a blonde, 27 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get this job, I'll tell who the father is!"

 

"What's your name, son?" The teacher asked the student on the first day of school.

The kid replied, "D-d-d-dav-dav-David, sir." "Do you have a stutter?" the teacher asked.

The student answered, "No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who filled out by Birth Certificate was an asshole."

 

A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together..
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment.
she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft,
sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute,
cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them
and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into
organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf.
Medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf.
And huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears,
She is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
But doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and,
After awhile, she finds herself thinking,
'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!
Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips.
He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds.
And he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom.
Where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion,
More creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well, how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes,
And says:…..



'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf.”

 

A lady on the bus next to me this morning was sneezing, about every 3 minutes...

Each time she sneezed, her eyes rolled back, she gave a moan and shuddered.

Curiosity got the better of me after about 15 minutes, so I asked her if she was alright.

She said, "Yes". Then she explained she had a very rare condition, whereby every time she sneezed, she had an orgasm!

I asked if she was taking anything for it?

"Pepper" she replied.

 

A man was hunting when a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over & discharged, shooting him in the genitals.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.
"Well, sir, I have some good news & some bad news.
The good news is that you are going to be OK.
The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, & we were able to remove all of the buckshot."
"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your willy which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."
"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied.
"Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
" Not exactly answered the doctor.........
"She's a flute player in the Boston Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye.

 

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "She's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infinities and Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "

"Who's that woman with Jim? " Asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," Says her husband."

"Ours is prettier," She replies.

 

Just saw a sign for a "BIG G SAE". They must have a bunch of Christmas stuff.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Cause there's no L.
.
.
.
.
.
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No.
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.
L.
.
.

 

Oh Jesus, a new low. Ha!

 

Ow.

 

My wife said we could each have 3 hall passes.

She picked Henry Cavil, Jason Momoa, and Matt Damon; but then she got mad at me for my picks...

Apparently her sister, our kids kindergarten teacher and and Kelsey in the marketing department were the wrong answers.

 

I identify as invisible.
When I was born I was visible, but now I'm trans-parent.
My pronouns are Who? Where?