Okay time to liven things up a bit with some jokes!

Today I learned that there are 3 unwritten rules in life:

1
2
3

 

An eight year old girl went to the office with her Dad on a "Take your kid to work day".

As they were walking around the office the young girl was getting crankier and crankier, crying and sobbing. Her father asked what was wrong with her?

As the concerned office staff gathered around she sobbed loudly "Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you worked with?"

 

Just got back from a pretty decent tinder date.
Was interesting. She's blind, and that was a first.
Things were getting frisky and she reached down to... you know.
She said "wow, you're huge."
I said "You're pulling my leg."

 

I decided to do something different for dinner last night. I stopped at McDonalds and ate a kids meal. Damn, did his mom get pissed!

 

Hey, I left him the toy!

 

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German were watching a street performer juggle. The performer noticed that they were having trouble seeing him with the larger than usual crowd that had gathered.

He climbed up on a wooden box and asked if they could see him better now.

"Yes"
"Oui"
"Si"
"Ja"

 

Daaaaaaaaad!.......

 

Number twenty seven!

 

A couple was invited to a masked Halloween ball. On the night of the party the wife had a headache.

She told her husband to go on alone. Reluctantly he agreed. He put on his bear costume and left. She took a nap and woke up feeling great.

Realizing her husband didn't know her costume, she decided to go and see what he was up to.

She got there and saw the bear flirting with every woman in sight. Still masked, she approached him; after a few drinks he propositioned her.

They went into a bedroom and had sex for an hour, even in positions she'd never done before. When they were done, he left without saying a word. She went home.

When her husband got home, she asked about his night.

"Same old, same old," he said. "When I got there, a bunch of the guys were in back playing poker. So I played cards all night."

She said, "You must have looked silly playing cards in a bear costume."

"I gave the costume to Dad. He said he had the time of his life."

 

What ever happened to the originator of this thread?

 

There was an unfortunate accident in a Parisian "hot dog" eating contest. Its not something we like to talk about.

 

Having no more 'free' access to twater, this is through Mastodon...

 

A guy is lying on his death bed and he smells his wife cooking some delicious brisket.
He turns to his son and says "please bring me some of that delicious food so that I can taste it one last time", his son goes to the kitchen but then returns to his dad empty handed "Mum said it's for the funeral".

 

A man continously tells his wife what a great "beautiful butt" she has. She decides to get her ass tatooed with a "B" tatoo put on each ass cheek,
After the tatoo she says " I got a surprise for you" and bends over so he can see the tatoos.

He asks " Who's Bob?"

 

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said "I want to be a movie star."
Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked, "What's your name?"
The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."
The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood , you are going to have to change your name."
"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."
The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."
"So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...

"Dear Sir,
Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood , you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.
Thank you for your advice..
Sincerely,
Dick van Dyke"

 

My dog was chewing on electrical cords recently, so I had to ground him.

He's doing better currently...





...conducting himself properly.

 

I guess he was just going through a phase.

 

Shocking!!

 

Did you get much resistance?