Okay time to liven things up a bit with some jokes!

Oh c’mon. Did you ever see his teeth?

 

I just thought he might have had a hard time brushing them himself...

 

Mom and dad-to-be are on their way to the hospital with labor pains coming more and more quickly. When they get to the hospital the staff tells them about a new machine that can take all the pain of childbirth and transfer it to the father.

Dad to be says, "Let's do it! She has suffered all this time with morning sickness, cramps and just overall discomfort from carrying our child. It's the least I can do." So they hook up the device and immediately the pain subsides for the mother.

Dad holds his breath for the oncoming pain but it never really hurts that bad at all. On their way home he brags about how well he handled the pain of childbirth. Then they get home.

Their mailman is laying dead on the front porch.

 

Most people have an above-average number of arms.

 

If you take a blue whale, and lay it lengthwise on a football field, they'll have no choice but to cancel the game.

 

The Doctor said: "The good news is I can cure your headaches...The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was headache free for the first time in over 20 years, but he felt as if he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street he realized he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit."

The elderly salesman eyed him quickly and said, "Let's see, you're a size 44 long."

Joe laughed and said, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the tailor asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

"Let's see, 16 and a half neck, 34 sleeve."

Joe was surprised. "How did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years." The shirt fit perfectly.

As Joe looked at himself in the mirror, the salesman said, "You could use new shoes."

Since Joe was on a roll, he said, "Sure."

The man eyed Joe's feet and said, "9-1/2E."

Joe was astonished. "That's right. How did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years." Joe tried on the shoes and they also fit perfectly.

As Joe walked comfortably around the shop, the salesman asked, "How about new underwear?"

Joe thought for a second and said, "Why not."

The man stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see, size 36."

Joe laughed. "Finally I've got you! I've worn size 32 since I was 18 years old."

The tailor shook his head. "You can't wear a size
32. Size 32 underwear would press your testicles against the base
of your spine and give you one hell of a headache

 

I thought this old joke about the guy who refused the operation because it was the way to get rid of his high pitch voice.

To fight the depression he went swimming in the ocean. After swimming out for a while, you know, the "should I return?" swim some people have...

Anyway, he wasn't that far out and he noticed the tell tale shark fin, by habit he screamed out:

"Shark! Shark! Shark! Shark! Shark!....


Apologies...

 

He drinks...and he knows things.

 

What do you call a woman who doesn't give blowjobs?

You call her an Uber.

 

A policeman searched me in a nightclub toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs.

"It's not my fault," I said, "every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."

"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed.

I said, "I'll prove it to you if you want me to!"

"Go on then," he said, handing me the bag.

I flushed them down, then he looked at me and said "Well, show me your pocket then."

"What for?" I asked.

He said, "the drugs."

I replied, "what drugs?"

 

@dsapsis ' kid:

A girl in college calls her father after having sex for the first time.

She says, "Dad, I have a confession to make. I ain't a virgin anymore."

Hearing this, the dad gets furious and shouts, "I work my ass off to get you into one of the best universities in the state, and you still say ain't!?"

 

Two couples are playing cards. John accidentally drops some cards on the floor.

When he bends down under the table to pick them up, he notices that Bill's wife isn't wearing any underwear.

Later, John goes into the kitchen to get some refreshments.

Bill's wife follows him and asks, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"

John admits that he did.

She says, "You can have it, but it will cost you $100."

They decide that John should come to her house around 2 p.m. on Friday while Bill is at work.

On Friday, John arrives at 2 p.m.

He pays Bill's wife $100.

They go to the bedroom, have sex and then John leaves.

When Bill comes home at 6 p.m., he asks his wife, "Did John come by this afternoon?"

Reluctantly, she replies, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes."

Next Bill asks, "Did he give you $100?"

She thinks, "Oh hell, he knows!" Finally she says, "Well, yes, he did give me $100."

"Good," Bill says.

"John came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back."

 

John, Player up level.

 

Did you hear about the blind prostitute?



Well, you've got to hand it to her!

 

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.

At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistry and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.

The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.

But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven’t seen a squirrel since.

-Anonymous

 

Great... Now I got a damn Ray Stevens song stuck in my head.

 

Better than a Weed-Eater loose in your Fruit of the Looms…

 

New type of hedge trimming?