Okay time to liven things up a bit with some jokes!

After so many crashes, Marc Marquez decided to invest in Boeing.

 

Ouch... that's gonna leave a Marc...

 

Ok, 50 wh4t'$ y0ur 8l00dy 90int?....

 

Sent a text to my wife last night:

Hey- I'm at the pub with my friends, we'll be out late. Go ahead and wash all my dirty clothes and fix my favorite dinner to be ready when I get home.

A few seconds later, I sent another:

Oh, I forgot to tell you. I got a big raise at work today, and a very nice bonus. I'm getting you a new car.

A few seconds later, she texted back:

REALLY!!! OMG!!!!

I replied:

No, I just wanted to make sure you got my first text.

 

Hawaii made it illegal to laugh out loud in public last week.

Now you just do a-lo-ha

 

Knock knock

Who's there?

Ereinion

Ereinion who?

Knock knock

Who's there?

Ereinion

Ereinion who?

Knock knock

Who's there?

Gil Galad

Gil Galad who?

Aren't you Gil Galad I didn't say Ereinion?

 

The sign of a truly bad joke- you don't even have to get the reference to groan

 

My penis was in the Guiness Book of Records...
Untill the librarian caught me and kicked me out of the library.

 

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young girl at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.

The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special." At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by check. "I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account." "I know", said the old man, "but I had one HELLUVA weekend!!!"

 

While on vacation a married couple walked into a shoe store.


The salesman said to them, "I have some very special Jamaican sandals I think you would be interested in. They make you wild at sex."


Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.


The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"


The Jamaican replied, "Just try them on, Mon."


So, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on.


As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years!


In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.


The Jamaican then began screaming, 'You got them on the wrong feet! 'You got them on the wrong feet!

 

Patient is touring a hospital getting ready for surgery.

As he and the doctor walk by a room he happens to see a guy in bed with all sorts of girlie magazines and he is masturbating furiously.

Shocked the patient asks what is up?

The doctor explains that Mr. Smith gets terrible abdominal pains unless he has an orgasm every 4 hours. Eventually he will have surgery to correct the problem.

So they get further down the hall and glancing into another room, he sees a beautiful nurse giving oral sex to the guy in that room.

Again, the patient asks what is going on?

The doctor said that poor Mr. Jones has the exact condition as Mr. Smith, but he has a much better medical plan!

 

In Kroger. Guy walks past me. Woman a few steps behind him pushing a stroller. She spots an item on the shelf, and calls out, "Dave". I didn't skip a beat: "Dave's not here, man."

 

if woman was younger than 60, that reference went right over her head....

 

I don't know, I just walked away laughing all the way to the butcher counter.

 

Were you followed by Sargent Stardanko?.....

 

Just googled the old C&C routine....laughed my ass off, just like back in college.

 

"Hey Lard Ass!"

 

I was in a grocery store recently and the guy in front of me at the the cash register dropped all of his cash... "Friend, some of your folding money has some unstowed." He got the reference.

 

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a Gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. .. ....





'You just happened to catch my eye.'