Open or Poly relationships - why aren't there more?

Discussion in 'The Dungeon' started by beac83, Dec 23, 2018.

  1. beac83

    beac83 9

    I was catching up in the Divorce thread, and it occurs to me that many of the divorces chronicled here on the beeb are triggered by infidelity.

    Seems to me that the problem is the belief that absolute fidelity is a necessary part of marriage The reality is that it is very frequently a truth that people have relationships outside of marriage that become sexual.

    I know a number of couples - mostly LGBT, but a few straight - who have negotiated either open relationships or are in poly relationships. While these relationships require a lot more communication, openness and honesty, it seems to me like they have a lot less drama overall, and while there are always issues to resolve in any relationship, removing the assumption of total sexual fidelity from the equation seems to take a lot of stress out of things.

    Probably isn't for everyone, and I do know many couples who are fully comfortable with total sexual fidelity in their relationships. But from my observation point, total fidelity is not working for many who expect it to.
  2. GRH

    GRH Well-Known Member

    Guys want loyalty, not some wandering eye
    Not saying what you mentioned can't work but the odds are very low IMO
  3. beac83

    beac83 9

    I guess my question is why people equate total loyalty almost exclusively with sex as a deal-breaker.

    In many if not most relationships, breeches of loyalty - financial, emotional, or material - are tolerated, forgiven, or overlooked. Why is sexual loyalty the deal-breaker? We don't "own" our partners.
  4. GRH

    GRH Well-Known Member

    My guess the sex is a deal breaker because it's the straw that broke the camels back. There are likely other negative factors that lead up to it. I'm not speaking from experience and I hope I don't have the opportunity to do so.

    Eric Schmidt at Google seems to make it work but I'm guessing it's because it's financially advantageous to his wife to look the other way.

    Interesting discussion
  5. fastfreddie

    fastfreddie Well-Known Member

    Marriage is a contract of, among other things, fidelity.
    You want an open marriage? Put it in the contract. Otherwise, it's a breach calling for resolution. Renegotiate on paper or dissolve.
  6. HPPT

    HPPT Admin/Mod

    I don't have statistics to prove it but a lot of marriages/relationships fail because of financial issues. And I would bet that "emotional affairs" do just as much damage to couples as sexual relationships. Anyway, if there's no difference between what you expect from your "regular" friends know what you expect from your partner, why have a partner at all?
    cav115 and Rico888 like this.
  7. TurboBlew

    TurboBlew Registers Abusers

    Thats the thing... women dont know what they want til they want it. :D
    Somethings you have to learn by "trial & error". Sex is probably one of those things
    there isnt a whole lotta "open mindedness" for some. Ive had friends that werent getting
    any results at home regardless of tact taken... even with counseling. They go and get what they "needed" on the side til something changes.

    You cant blame a woman for straying if youre not putting it down or satisfying her needs. Same with men.
    Most times the signs were there...

    Also people that get married over & over seem to have the same patterns. Sure a "new" partner has appeal... until they dont. Rinse & repeat.
  8. brex

    brex Well-Known Member

    Speaking of divorce and unconventional marriages, I still contend that Gay Divorce Court would be a win in the TV world. Could be the most entertaining show to come along in a long time.
  9. SPL170db

    SPL170db Trackday winner

    It works well in the gay community.....doesn't work so well in the hetero community. It's also problematic when/if you're trying to form and maintain healthy/stable family environment for the raising of children. Serial monogamy might fit better, but open/poly relationships, I doubt it.

    Lesbian Divorce court. Apparently gay marriages are some of the most stable. Conversely lesbian marriages are the most volatile.
  10. TurboBlew

    TurboBlew Registers Abusers

    From what perspective? That seems almost biblical! :D
    You ever see parents that "hold it together" for the sake of kids... just living a lie?
    stk0308 likes this.
  11. Clay

    Clay Well-Known Member

    I believe you got that backwards. Last I heard lesbian couples were the longest lasting. Gay men the worst, because gay or not, men are men. Hetero in the middle.
  12. nigel smith

    nigel smith Well-Known Member

    Women initiate the majority of divorce proceedings in traditional marriages. Put two of them into a relationship and a lack of stability does not come as a surprise. Anecdotally speaking, I have rented homes to quite a few stable male couples. I have never had a female couple successfully complete the term of a lease.
    As to the original query, I would posit that a man in a traditional relationship, subconsciously or not, wants to be certain that he is raising his own children.
  13. D-Zum

    D-Zum Alex’s Crew Chief

    Human sexuality is one seriously complicated topic.
    What goes on between mature consenting adults is between them.
    Where things go wrong is when one of the adults in the equation is unaware or not willing to participate in what's going on.
    That part of human sexuality is just that simple.
  14. In Your Corner

    In Your Corner It's a little-known fact...

    Watch People's Court or Judge Judy, they get a fair percentage of gay couple breakup disputes.
    They tend to get really vicious with one another. Lots of personal property destruction.
  15. Clay

    Clay Well-Known Member

    It's been years since I heard the statistic, but I remember hearing that lesbian "married" couples had the lowest rate of divorce. Granted it's been several years since I heard it so maybe things have changed.
  16. SuddenBraking

    SuddenBraking Well-Known Member

    There’s a lot more open relationships than you may think. I’d say ~15% of couples I’m close with have some kind of “arrangement”.

    I assume there’d be more but I think it’s the men who in general are less secure in their sexuality.
    younglion likes this.
  17. Orvis

    Orvis Well-Known Member

    Religion, jealously, greed to some extent, all are elements involved in a "marriage" conceived within the religious circles. Man is, and always has been, no different than any other animal when it comes to procreation. We, down deep, want to plant our seed in whatever attractive female we run across. Women, is spite of what they say to the contrary, are a nurturing kind of personality that wants to take care of their brood. I've always asked the question, why are we trying to constantly restrict our God given (see what I did there) inner instincts and remain stuck with only one woman?

    What was it the old farmer said to his wife when she commented about why he wasn't like their rooster when the rooster was mounting every hen in the yard? He just looked at her and said, "I could if I had a different chick every time."
    It's usually the same with all marriages. After about 5 or 6 years of making it with the same woman it tends to start getting uninteresting. Eyes then start to roam. ;)
  18. lee955i

    lee955i The Traveling Gnome

    Personal opinion here, but the reason the physical act is usually the deal breaker is because it's just about the highest form of intimacy achievable. The ultimate manifestation of giving yourself fully to another person. Once that line is crossed the betrayal can't easily, if at all, be erased from the mind. Not to mention the potential for disease if they're "Double Dipping" . Now, if arranged beforehand, good luck but eventually there will be jealousy that creeps in weather you're both hitting the strange or not. Sooner or later, someone is not gonna like it.
    Prospect likes this.
  19. Timothy Landon

    Timothy Landon Well-Known Member

    What he said! Also my personal opinion. Sexual intimacy, to me, is about as "personal" as it gets. If a partner wants that intimacy with someone else, then that says to me they are no longer satisfied with me. And emotionally that's all she wrote for me. Time to say goodbye. Probably more like get the fuck out, than goodbye. I'm not good at sharing.
    Prospect and cav115 like this.
  20. TurboBlew

    TurboBlew Registers Abusers

    Does that apply say to a man or woman thats had 20 one year long intimate relationships?? For the sake of arguement... theres no overlap in these relationships.

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