Okay time to liven things up a bit with some jokes!

What's more Irish than potatoes?


No potatoes.

 

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.

After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His brother said, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there Hind Lick Maneuver but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!"

 

Last night I was out for a few drinks.

One thing lead to another and I had a few too many beers and then went on to the whiskey. Not a good idea.

Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the pub and took a bus home.

Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathalyzer tests. Because I was in a Bus they just waved it past.

I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from.

 

An African Tribal Incident

A professor travels to Africa to live with a primitive tribe and spends years with them, teaching them all about the wonders of science and mathematics. He makes friends with the tribe’s chief and his wife and they all live happily for some time. One day the chief’s wife gives birth to a white child. The word spreads and the entire tribe is in shock.

The chief pulls the professor aside and says, “Look, you are the only white man we’ve ever seen around here, and my wife gave birth to a white child. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what happened!”

The professor replied, “No, chief, you’re mistaken. What we have here is a natural occurrence what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."









The chief was silent for a moment, then said, “Tell you what. You don’t say anything more about that sheep and I won’t say anything more about the white kid!!"

 

Florida Woman Survives Alligator Attack Using a Small Beretta Pistol

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.

What's the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?

Here's her story in her own words:

"While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in 'The Villages' with my soon to be ex-husband, discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.

"If I had not had my little Beretta .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!

"Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. The amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible, and his life insurance was a big help. "

 

Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman are all working on a construction site, building a new skyscraper in London. It's lunchtime and they're all sat atop the building. Englishman opens up his lunchbox to see what his wife has packed him.

"Ugh... Ham and cheese sandwich... again. Im fucking sick of ham and cheese sandwiches, it's the same every bloody day. If I get another ham and cheese sandwich in my lunch box tomorrow I'm jumping off the top of this building."

Next, the Scotsman opens up his lunch box.

"Aackk, jam sandwich... again. I cannee go on like this eating jam sandwiches every day of me life! If I get the same again tomorrow I'm jumping as well."

Next it's the Irishman's turn.

"Ohh for fecks sake! Not another egg and cress sandwich! That's the fourth one in a row this week! I'm with you boys, one more egg and cress sandwich and I'm jumping!"

So next day they sit at the top of the building to have lunch. One by one they open up their lunch boxes... Englishman finds another ham and cheese sandwich, so off he jumps, and splats into the ground below. Scotsman finds another jam sandwich... Off he goes...Splat. Irishman, egg and cress sandwich... Splat.

A week or so later later the three widows are talking at the memorial service. English widow says, through tears, "I still can't believe it, had no idea George hated ham and cheese so much, if only i'd known..."

Scottish widow says "Duncan did say he was getting a bit bored of Jam, but I didn't realize he hated it that much, I just wish he'd have let me know how he really felt."

Irish widow says "I... I just don't understand... Paddy packed his own lunch."

 

Or the dumb shits could have just traded sandwiches....

 

... well, I'm part Irish, so, I'd have waited for the other 2 to jump, and then ate my 3 sandwiches...

 

Hence the name "big"....

 

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom.
When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement.
When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.
"What are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room.
In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.
"What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
He replied............"Watching the game with my son-in-law."

 

A guy orders a drink at a bar. The bartender sets it down and leaves. After taking his first sip he hears a voice saying, "Nice tie".
The guy looks up and around, but there's no one near him. A few moments later, he hears, "That shirt's such a good color for you".
Startled, he looks around, and nobody is close to him. About a minute later, a voice says, "What a nice suit".
At this point, he's freaked out and calls the bartender over, and tells him what's going on with the voices.
The bartender says, "Oh that's just the complimentary peanuts".

 

If you break up with a lady from Maryland...........will she be concidered your "Old Bay"?

 

Yall get them down in GA?

 

Pivot.......Try Utz hard pretzels, better than Snyders, more salt.

 

A country fellow is in line to see the magistrate for theft. As he's sitting in line for his turn he is struggling to figure how he can convince the judge of his innocence. As he gets closer to the front he listens to the two fellows in front of him:
First defendant: "Your honor, I didn't steal this cow. I've had her since she was a calf, and she's my best milk cow."
Judge: "Sounds reasonable, not guilty."
Second defendant: "Your honer, I didn't steal this hunting dog. I've had her since she was a pup and she's my best friend and guard dog."
Judge: "Sounds reasonable, not guilty."

Our friend gets his turn: "Your honor, I didn't steal this wagon. I've had it since it was a wheelbarrow."

 

GOL (groaned out loud)

 

The day after his wife disappeared In a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers. “We’re sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife”, said one of the troopers. “Tell me! Did you find her?”, Wilkens exclaimed. The troopers looked at each other. One said, “We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?” Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said, “Give me the bad news first.” The trooper said, “I’m sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife’s body in Kachemak Bay .” “Oh my God!”, exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, “What’s the good news?” The trooper continued, “When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five-pound king crabs and 6 good-sized Dungeness crabs clinging to her, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch.” Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, “If that’s the good news, then what’s the great news?” The trooper replied, “We’re gonna pull her up again tomorrow.”