Okay time to liven things up a bit with some jokes!

Why did the crow land on the tallest telephone pole in the neighborhood? He wanted to make a long distance phone caw ...

Did you hear about the mathematician who hated negative numbers so much, that he stopped at nothing ...

What is the Ninja's favorite section in the book store ? Stealth Help ...

 

Don’t forget to try the veal folks.

 

So there is a bus. This bus is full of ugly people, they all know it. A plight acknowledged. Bus goes off a cliff. Everyone dies. At St. Peters gate he sees the line and says "You have dealt with a plight your whole life, I will give you one wish in Heaven." The first person says 'Ive been ugly my whole life, I want to be beautiful in Heaven.' St Peter snaps his fingers and the person is transformed, beautiful. The second person sees this and asks the same "Ive been ugly my whole life, I want to be beautiful in Heaven.' from the back a snicker, the next person the same, 'Ive been ugly my whole life, I want to be beautiful in Heaven.' laughter, next person, 'Ive been ugly my whole life, I want to be beautiful in Heaven.' roaring laughter; 'Ive been ugly my whole life, I want to be beautiful in Heaven.' eventually the line comes to an end. The final person is greated be St Peter; "and you my son, you are gifted a single wish as well, what would you like?" He replies "Everyone got a wish? And they all wanted to be beautiful in heaven? Make them all ugly again!"

 

Those are my best Grandaughter jokes !
What ya got, Scotty ?
Give us something (a six year old) can tell at school.

 

Why can't a motorcycle stand up by itself? 'Cause it's two tired.

Why did the cowboy get a dachshund? Someone told him to get a long little doggie.

What did the big firecracker say to the little firecracker? My pop is bigger than your pop.

 

Ok, Global Planetary conference. US, USSR and Poland attending. First up US, We have been to the moon now we are going to Venus. Everybody claps. Next up USSR they say forget Venus we have bigger plans, we are going to Jupiter. Everybody claps. Last Poland. They state forget those planets we have big big plans. We have decided to go to the sun. Somebody from audience stands up and states, "you can't you'll burn up". Poland rep states yes we thought of this, we've decided to go at night!

 

from my 6yr old.

What nationality are you when you are in a bathroom?
"Your-A-Peein'"

 

My kid made up a joke when she was 3:

What did the robot say to the fire hydrant?
Lobster! Jinx, you know me a Pepsi!

I don't get it, but I laugh and laugh.

 

What did the cheerleader have to drink before the big game?



A root beer

 

Experiencing kids learning about humor is hilarious. My daughter did the same thing.

 

And after the game? A beer and a root!

 

When I was in middle school my friends younger brother made up a joke to tell us

- Knock Knock
- Who's there?
- Candle
- Candle Who?
- I'll knock your lights out! (as he was holding up his fist)

I will never forget it as long as I live, and it is by far my favorite knock knock joke ever.

 

Reminds me of the knock knock joke my daughter (4) came up with a couple months ago. She was sitting on my lap facing me while joking around making funny faces at each other etc and she said "knock knock" I said "who's there?" then she popped me right in the nose lol. Didn't know where to laugh, cry, or be pissed lol. had a good laugh about it later after explaining to her how a knock knock joke is supposed to work. The only thing predictable about that kid is that she's always unpredictable.

 

A guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer

"That'll be five dollars", says the bartender, and the guy throws 20 quarters onto the floor. Reluctantly, the bartender picks up the coins and serves the beer.

The next day, the guy comes into the bar, asks for a beer, throws 20 quarters onto the floor, etc.

The next day, again.

On the fourth day, he asks for a beer, and hands the bartender a 10$ bill. The bartender takes advantage of his chance for revenge, throws 20 quarters onto the floor and yells "here's your change asshole!"

The guy looks down at the coins and says: "I'll have another beer, please."

 

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,
"Hello."

"Mrs. Sanders, please."

"Speaking"

"Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Stafford Hospital .

When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week,
a biopsy from another Mr Sanders arrived as well. We are now
uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way
the results are not too good."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the
other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."

"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.

"Normally we can, but the medical insurance will only pay for these expensive tests
once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"Well.......I would recommend that you drop your husband off
somewhere outside of town. And if he finds his way home, don't sleep with him".

 

Please kick yourself in the nuts.

 

My kids get tired of this one. A lot.

As I drive past a cemetery, I tell them I can tell them exactly how many dead people are buried there.


Ready?


All of them.

 

I've akshully done that before.