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Okay time to liven things up a bit with some jokes!

Discussion in 'General' started by Pepe Le Ghey Pew, Oct 25, 2007.

  1. motoboy

    motoboy Well-Known Member

    Boooooooooriiiiing!!!!!!
    The truth shall make ye fret.
     
  2. Sabre699

    Sabre699 Wait...hold my beer.

    Does "go-cart Mozart" = JO7 ?
     
    auminer likes this.
  3. auminer

    auminer Renaissance Redneck

    It does indeed...

     
    Sabre699 likes this.
  4. auminer

    auminer Renaissance Redneck

    Actually, he just asked us if we needed a ride.

    The offer was implicit, but not explicit.

    ;)

    I just hit google to read through the lyrics... I mistakenly googled Mannheim Steamroller instead of Manfred Mann.

    Now I wish they'd covered it, too!
     
    Last edited: Sep 7, 2018
  5. Yzasserina

    Yzasserina sound it out

    What kind of blood do you give a pessimistic person?












    B positive.

    :p So silly!
     
  6. weber#465

    weber#465 mud fight

     
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  7. Potts N Pans

    Potts N Pans Well-Known Member

    A Major arrives at a remote post. “Where’s your Lieutenant?” he asks a Private.

    “Sir, there isn’t a Lieutenant assigned to this post.”

    “I was told there was.”

    “No, sir, no Lieutenant here.”

    “I’m pretty sure there is.”

    The Private thinks about it for a moment. “Well, Major, if I may ask you a question, imagine you took the word ‘rifle’ and removed the letter ‘f’, what would remain?”

    “Well, ‘rile’ I suppose.”

    “That’s what I thought. And sir, if you took the word ‘draft’ and removed the letter ‘f’, what would remain?”

    Amused, the Major answers, “‘Drat’ I guess.”

    “And sir, if you took the word ‘Lieutenant’ and removed the letter ‘f’, what would remain?”

    The major says, “There is no ‘f’ in Lieutenant.”

    “That’s what I have been trying to tell you, sir. There is no effin’ Lieutenant.”
     
    CMRA 270, ZimZam, cha0s#242 and 4 others like this.
  8. BSA43

    BSA43 Well-Known Member

    If they were British, there would be.
     
  9. Potts N Pans

    Potts N Pans Well-Known Member

    Two Nuns are driving round Rome in a tiny beat up Fiat. They turn down a small side street. Looking out the window the passenger remarks to the driver: "I've never come this way, before". The driver replies: "It's the cobbles".
     
    Wingnut, Yzasserina and scottn like this.
  10. auminer

    auminer Renaissance Redneck

    A politician dies. Instead of going straight to heaven or hell, a spirit appears to him.

    The spirit tells him that, rather than being judged for his sins, he gets to choose whether he goes to heaven or hell.

    The politician replies that of course he wants to go to heaven. The spirit tells him that before he chooses, he has to visit both places so each one will get a fair chance.

    First they visit heaven. It looks pretty nice. Big fluffy clouds, angels singing and playing harps, everyone seeming to enjoy themselves. The politician is pleased, if a bit underwhelmed.

    Hell, on the other hand, is magnificent. It's the most beautiful place the politician has ever seen, and everyone there is having the time of their lives. It has a buffet table filled with delicious-smelling food, a beautiful garden, a pool with a water slide, a dance floor, a massage parlor, and innumerable other attractions. It makes heaven look dull and boring and comparison.

    "I can't believe I'm saying this," says the politician, "but I think I'd rather go to hell!"

    "Very well," says the spirit. "Turn around."

    When the politician turns around, though, hell appears to be completely different than it had been less than a minute ago. All of the attractions are gone, everything is on fire, and the people are screaming in agony.

    "I don't understand!" cries the politician. "This isn't what you showed me before!"

    "Well, that was the campaign," replies the spirit. "Now you've voted."
     
    Wingnut, RichB, sharkattack and 5 others like this.
  11. Potts N Pans

    Potts N Pans Well-Known Member

    A farmer had 5 female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned 5 male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

    The farmers lived 60 miles apart, so they decided to drive 30 miles each morning and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.

    The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon (the only vehicle he had) and drove the 30 miles.

    While the pigs were in the field mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?"

    The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass tomorrow morning, they'll be pregnant. If they're lying in the mud, they're not."

    The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.

    This continued each morning for more than a week and the farmers were worn out.

    The next morning, one was too tired to even get out of bed. So he called out to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."

    "Neither," yelled his wife, "They're in the station wagon. And one of them is honking the horn."
     
  12. auminer

    auminer Renaissance Redneck

    Online classified ad:

    Premature ejaculator in need of smoking hot size 6 blonde.

    Preferably with blue eyes and huge double d....

    Nevermind.
     
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  13. Johnny B

    Johnny B Cone Rights Activist

    Little Johnny the Fighter Pilot

    A teacher asks the kids in her 5th grade class:

    "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

    Little Johnny says:

    "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while... banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."

    The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply continue with the lesson.

    "And how about you, Sally?"

    "I wanna be Johnny's whore!"
     
  14. Johnny B

    Johnny B Cone Rights Activist

  15. britx303

    britx303 Boomstick Butcher…..

    A chicken and an egg are laying in bed. The egg is sitting there with a frown and very disappointed look on her face,while the chicken is laying back, happy and content as can be,smoking a cigarette...........well........I guess that answers that riddle.
     
  16. Potts N Pans

    Potts N Pans Well-Known Member

    A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. The guy asks, "What's this about?"

    The bartender replies, "Well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drinks for the next hour. You wanna do it?"

    The guy replies, "Nah, the steaks are too high."
     
    tiggen, gixxernaut and sharkattack like this.
  17. gixxernaut

    gixxernaut Hold my beer & watch this

    100 years ago everyone had a horse but only the wealthy had a car.

    Now everyone owns a car but only the wealthy have horses.

    My how the stables have turned.
     
    CMRA 270 and panthercity like this.
  18. Potts N Pans

    Potts N Pans Well-Known Member

    If your phone auto corrects "f*ck" to "duck," it's okay to keep it...It's still fowl language.

    :D
     
  19. CMRA 270

    CMRA 270 Comes here for the latest CMRA gossip

    How do you catch a polar bear?

    1. Cut a hole in the ice.
    2. Place peas all around the hole.
    3. When the polar bears comes to take a pea...
    4. Kick him in the ice hole.
     
  20. CMRA 270

    CMRA 270 Comes here for the latest CMRA gossip

    What's the first thing Jesus said at the Last Supper?

    "If you want to be in the picture, you've got to be on this side of the table."
     
    Last edited: Sep 17, 2018
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