What to say to a kid about his dead beat Dad?

So My wife has a boy from a previous relationship. Once the dad found out she was pregnant he was gone. He lives in the same city as us, but outside of seeing the kid a few times after he was born, (the kid is 8 now) has had no contact with the kid at all.
The Dads Parents (kids Grand parents) however are a different Story. They spoil the kid to death. they buy most of his school outfits, and toys out the wazoo. they live about 2 hours south of us, and the kid goes down there about once a month.
On the last visit, They were celebrating X-mas, the kid asked about a present and the grand parents said that it was for Nick, who is the dad, but they didn't tell that. The kid asked why he didn't know Nick. the grand parents quickly changed the subject, and the kid has not asked since.....but now we know it will be coming soon.

So how do you explain to an 8 year old that this biological father is a POS that wants nothing to do with him. My wife and I got married about three years ago, so since then I have been his dad, but at some point we are going to have to explain who his other dad is......

 

You're his Dad, The other dude is just a sperm donor. Stick to a cleaned up version of that and don't lie to the kid.

Let the grand parents stay involved in his life of course, they sound like pretty good peeps.

 

First off, don't bad mouth the guy to the kid. Even though he's a POS, the boy will, and should be able to form his own opinion as time passes. Unfortunately, you guys are going to get to deal with all of the tears and the heartbreak. I wouldn't tell him that his dad doesn't want to see him, but rather can't for some reason. He's 8, it's OK to lie about certain things for a while. I'm sure you're gonna get some hard asses in here that say to tell him the truth, but I wouldn't. An 8 year old can't rationalize this type of situation. You just need to make sure those grandparents are on the same page.

Does the boy consider you to be his dad?

 

:up:

I agree with the above. If you have raised him or took on the role of his dad, for all he knows you are his dad.

 

Definitely:up:

I have a nephew who's dad was a scumbag. Real scumbag! The kind that slept with a hooker on the night he got married to my sister. My sister, for all her faults, never lied to him about his dad. Once he was old enough to understand he realized that his dad was just a dirtbag sperm donor. The best thing his father ever did was kill himself drunk and high on his Harley and leave my nephew enough money that if he takes care of it he will never have to work REAL hard. Dumbshit never took the time to write a will so my nephew was next closest of kin and inherited everything! His grandma tried to fight my nephew for the money, apparently the apple did not fall far from the tree. That is Karma right there!

 

Just make sure the kid understands that his biological father is the one with the issues, that there is nothing wrong with the kid and it's not the kids' fault.

 

if you haven't already, adopt him.

 

This and eventually "the kid" will wish to confront the guy but to the OP you will always be his father!

 

This is sensible and well reasoned advice. Your role is to protect this young guy from some of his harsh realities -- he's only 8, let him be a kid for a few more years. Just the like the poster above, let him know that his dad is unable to see him, but you're there to do whatever he needs. When the time comes for the biological father and his son to "re-unite", you provide the most emotionally safe environment for that interaction -- manage the young boy's expectations because frankly it may never happen or it may not live up to the grandiose vision he has in his mind.

Good on you for taking care of another man's responsiblity.

 

yeap... put your name on the title!

 

I don't understand: does the kid believe that the OP is his biological father? At eight years old, either he believes that, or he already knows he has another father out there.

 

^--this. That boy is your son.

 

I'm thinking that at 8, since he doesn't know his biological father(obviously doesnt remember him from when he was a new born), the OP is his dad, plain and simple.

Although my question is, who does he think his grandparents are(his biological fathers parents)?

 

thanks for all the advice guys...I wouldn't talk bad about the Dad to the kid, I have seen and heard enough about kids figuring this out on their own. I am just trying to figure out a way to sugar cote "he has no interest in seeing you."
I do plan on adopting him, once we have some available cash, we have looked into it and in Illinois you have to be married for a certain amount of time before I could adopt him, that time has pasted, however we would have to pay lawyer and court costs, which right now we can't afford. We are living off my "not enough" salary while my wife goes to school, she graduates in the spring, so I can't wait.

 

I'm thinking that he isn't making the connection yet as to whom the grand parents belong. That will be part of the process too.

 

I went through the exact same issue the OP is going through. My oldest son (almost 20 now) was a package deal with my ex wife. He was 4 when we got together. His biological father was out of his life when he was 3 months old. The best thing the OP can do is to just treat him as his own child. Protect him, but don't lie to him. There will always be questions, but you need to be the rock in his life. We never lied to my son about his father, but you do have to explain it in ways that they can understand. It is a tricky situation at best. We chose not to lie to him because when the time came for him to meet the guy I wanted him to know that I was the one that was protecting him. But that was just my experience and everyone is different.

 

he has started calling me dad, every once in a while after our daughter, his half sister was born. He has never had a "dad" in his life, other than me and my father in law who he and his mom lived with until they moved in with me. I came into his life around his 5th b-day. He doesn't really understand, or get the relationship part yet, but I know it is coming. which is why I am asking the questions....

 

Is this deadbeat paying child support? If not talk to the state asap! This way your wife can get what she deserves. There is NO WAY around not paying child support and if he has't paid in 8 years youwill have enough money for the adoption adn some. But just an FYI once you adopt ur son the child support stops. I also agree do not talk bad about the sperm donor the kid will figure it out on his own someday how much of a dead beat he is. Kids are not dumb.

 

Careful of that, a friend of mine got married , she had a 4 year old girl. 10 years later they got a divorce.

He now has to pay child support on a child that no longer lives with or has seen him in years.

 

I have been the kid in this situation and would have to agree with everybodies opinion on not lieing and we know who the real father is in this situation. I wasnt told until I was 16 (accidently) but always had a feeling. At 1st I was mad everybody in my life was lieing, after time I realized it was for my own protection from a drunk women beater. Did my own exploration into the fact of the sperm donor and have yet to meet him. after 23yrs he wanted to meet and I told him he wasnt man enough when I was an infant he def wasnt now and never would be. So in my off topic rambling support love and protect him with all of your heart and he will see you as dad and you will be a greater man and father because of the situation. Just my opinion, thank you for being a father.