Okay time to liven things up a bit with some jokes!

^^Flogged...but funny.^^

 

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules, saying, "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anyone caught breaking this rule once will be fined $50."

He continued, "Anyone caught breaking this rule a second time will be fined $150. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $400. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired, "How much for a season pass?"

 

Two broke Irishmen were were wondering how to get a drink on a Saturday night, when one gets a bright idea,"I'll stuff this sausage down my pants, and after we've had a couple drinks I'll pull it out. Then you get down on your knees and act like you're giving me a blow job, and for sure they'll kick us out!" His friend agreed so they went into a bar, had a couple drinks, and did their little act. The bartender immediately threw them out on the street. Laughing at their good fortune, they went to bar after bar, each time with the same result. After the tenth bar, one said, " I can't do this anymore, my knees are killing me..." and the other replied, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage three bars ago."

 

Alright! Time to drag up an old thread with an old joke but I just had to do it!

What's the difference between a women's track team and a tribe of pygmies?

The tribe of pygmies is a cunning bunch of runts.

 

What's the difference between a nun and a whore in the bathtub?

The nun has hope in her soul.

 

What's the difference between the Panama Canal and a blonde?

The Canal is a busy ditch.

 

Few people know that before he was famous, the late Johnny Cash tried a chip full of salsa served backstage in Possumneck, Mississippi that changed his life. It was spicy and tangy and smoky and so good that he just couldn't get it off of his mind. Unfortunately, there was no jar, no label.

Now, there have been rumors that Johnny had kind of an addictive personality. He would sometimes disappear for days on end. People attributed it to drugs or alcohol. The truth is that he would roam the country searching for the special hot sauce of his dreams. He heard rumors and whispers of the deadly condiment and followed them to countless dead ends. He stopped at every Tex Mex restaurant, truck stop, and Mexican grocery in the South without finding what he sought.

One day he heard tell of an old woman, a witch down in the Mayan peninsula in Mexico whom it was said, made the best salsa in the world! He cancelled his next five gigs and headed south. He rode donkeys, Jeeps and horse drawn wagons. He traversed deserts, mountains and jungles before finally reaching the fabled village where the old bruja lived.

He found and entered the old woman's hut. As luck would have it, she was one of his first big fans, having caught one of his shows at that Holiday Inn in Possumneck, Mississippi while attending a Salsa Aficionado convention where one of her jars of salsa mysteriously disappeared and somehow made its way to a bowl backstage. She consented to sharing her secret recipe with him only after he agreed to write a song for her.

She shared the special Tomatillos grown in Mayan soil. She gave him the seeds from a rare Mexican pepper and showed him the special pan with a rounded bottom, similar to those used in the Far East that she would use to simmer "la lima" or "lime," the source of the salsa's tanginess. He asked her if he could just use his regular flat-bottomed pan but she insisted that he must use the round-bottomed pan.

From this came the inspiration for the lyrics: "Because you're Mayan, I'll wok the lime!"

 

Groan....

 

Take that joke and shove it!

 

Holy fucking hell, really?

 

I know that post-divorce, you're not very familiar with the word "paycheck", but that was Johnny Paycheck, not Cash. Similar, but different.

 

What do you call a hooker flanked by a couple of nuns?

A wide receiver and two tight ends.

 

In honor of the latest oddball picture baked beans entries...

Why does a can of baked beans only have 239 beans in it?

Because if you add one more it'll be "too farty"

 

Yesterday evening in rural Alabama, a man, his wife, and his cousin walked into a bar.





Three hours later they both left.

 

Where did the rainbow go to jail? To Prisim…. It was given a light sentence to reflect what it did….

 

When does a joke become a dad joke?

You'll know. It's apparent.

 

What’s another way of saying “cumming in a woman”?





Loading the dishwasher.
(With thanks to Facebook)

 

What do you call a lesbian who wears braces?
A box cutter.

 

A baby is a fully cooked creampie.