Okay time to liven things up a bit with some jokes!

More of a situation, than a joke... But still hilarious.

You know how when you move, you sometimes get Christmas cards at your new address that were meant for the previous residents?

Put them in a new envelope, addressed to one of your own family members, but with the original sender's address. When the card arrives, your aunt-uncle-cousin will be confused, wondering who the hell is this sending them this lame ass letter with family pictures decked out in ugly sweaters and lame stories about their year.

Bonus points for sending it to that one relative that you know sends out a bazillion Christmas cards every year and who will dutifully send a card to the original person. They will wonder who the hell this is.

I bet you could end up starting new pen pals.

 

Big bad biker dude parties like an animal and is confused when he wakes up the next morning.
He is naked in bed and he discovers that he has two distinct color rings on his manhood.
One is red and located nearer to the top and a brown one down at the base.
Off to the doctor he goes for an exam and hopefully an explanation of what's going on.
The doctor examines him and tells him to give him a few minutes to analyze test results.
Upon return the doctor says..." the good news is that the red ring is lipstick,
...the bad news is the brown one is Copenhagen."

 

A long time ago...

We had kingdoms...
Run by kings.

We had empires...
Run by emperors.

Now we have countries...

 

I think the car needs to be cited for violating the laws of physics.

 

Counts or QAunts?...

 

Sound it out, Petfe...

 

so the latter............

 

I asked my North Korean friend how it was over there...

He said "I can't complain"

 

A man's walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. "Twenty bucks," she says.

He's never been with a prostitute before, but he decides what the hell.

They are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them - it's a policeman.

"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

"I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

"Well," said the man, "to tell the truth neither did I until you flashed that light on her face."

 

Three dinosaurs are running across the desert when they stumble upon a magic lamp.

They rub it, and a genie appears.

"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.

The first dinosaur thinks hard.

"Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."

Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appears in front of him.

Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder.

"I know! I'll have a shower of meat!"

Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him.

The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs.

"I've got it!" he cries, "I want a MEATIER shower!"

 

I know, right!

I laughed way too hard at that.

 

That's just sad.

 

Borderline dad joke. I shared it.

 

Shared to Michigan family, Tennessee family, Alabama Military family(x2), California military family (x3) and work families (both with/without kids).
I laughed too much as well.

 

Wife: Hon, I watched my first porno today

Husband : Oh yeah?

Wife: Yes, I can't believe how young I was back then!

 

Ok, good one.

It almost redeems you from the Nicolas Cage fawning in the other thread.





Almost!....

 

How many grammar Nazis does it take to change a lightbulb?






Too

 

Phhht!








Tree.

 

Fore!