Okay time to liven things up a bit with some jokes!

I'd tell you the latest Covid joke but I don't want to wait two weeks to see if you get it.

 

A guy and a girl go out on a date..

It's going so well, She invites him back to her place. They do the horizontal mambo late into the night. Around sunrise, she leaps up in a panic.

"What!? what!?" says the man.

"I forgot to ask you, you don't have AIDS, do you!?" she asks.

"No!"

"Whew! I don't wanna get that shit again."

 

A priest hooks a huge fish

Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!".

"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish".

Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church.

"Look at this huge fucker" says the priest, spotting the bishop.

"Language, please! this is God's house," replies the bishop.

"No, no that's what this fish is called, "says the priest.

"Oh," says the bishop, scratching his chin "I could clean that fucker and we could have it for dinner".

So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior.

"Could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?" he asks her.

"My, what language!" she exclaims, clearly shocked.

"No, sister that's what the fish is called - a fucker", says the bishop.

Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says, "Wonderful, I'll cook that fucker tonight, The Pope is coming for dinner!"

The fish tastes just great and The Pope asks where they got it.

"Well, I caught the fucker!" says the priest.

"And I cleaned the fucker!" says the bishop.

"And I cooked the fucker!" says the mother superior.

The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says:" You know what?, You cunts are alright."

 

Consider your bitch-ass popped. I posted that one here on November 6, 2007.

Guy at the bar: "87!"

Everyone else at the bar: "Hahahahahaha!"

 

Why was Waldo in therapy?

He wanted to find himself.

 

A guy walks into a bar on Bourbon street and orders a Corona and two Hurricanes. Bartender says: that'll be $20.20

 

What generation does Forrest Gump belong to?



















Gen A

 

I have colon cancer.

I can't believe it.

I spent my entire life as a heterosexual just to have my ass ravaged by a disease.

 

kakarma?....

 

Sorry to hear this, hopefully you caught it soon enough?

If you don't mind me asking did you go get colonoscopies' like recommended? My dad is 76 and still has never gone in to get one, we've tried talking him into it but he is old enough now he says who cares?

 

Joke thread.

(Hope your dad remains healthy. And yes, I've had one, and it sucked.)

 

A man's walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. "Twenty bucks," she says.

He's never been with a prostitute before, but he decides what the hell.

They are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them - it's a policeman.

"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

"I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

"Well," said the man, "to tell the truth neither did I until you flashed that light on her face."

 

Retiree's Message

As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I rapidly realized that
I don't really give a rat's ass. It's the tortoise life for me! And here is why.

1.. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
2.. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.
3.. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.
4.. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.

And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so. I'm retired. Go around me.

Senility Prayer

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.


Now that I'm older and wiser, here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.

3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

6. If all is not lost, where is it?

7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

8. Some days, you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play chess?

16. It’s not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. . .I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm hereafter

19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

20. DID I SEND THESE TO YOU BEFORE..........??????

 

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?" To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check. "There's no charge" she says. "No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.

"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice."

"So I just switched the heads."

 

That took an unexpected turn.

 

Did you hear about the Viking that believed in reincarnation?



He just knew he'd be Björn again.

 

Three women: one engaged, one a mistress, and one married are chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men. That night, all three would wear black leather bras, stiletto heels, and a mask over their eyes. After a few days they meet up for lunch.

The engaged woman : The other night when my boyfriend came over, he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos, and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my life. I love you.'

Then we made love all night long.

The mistress : Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes, and a raincoat.

When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

The married woman : I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night. When my husband came home, I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos, and a mask over my eyes.

As soon as he came through the door and saw me, he said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?'

 

When I was in the Navy, I was stationed in Connecticut at the submarine base. There were a few ballistic missile submarines (boomers, in Navy lingo) based out of there, which have what's called a 'Blue' crew, and a 'Gold' crew, who rotate three months home and three months at sea.

The wives of the at-sea crewmembers are referred to as 'boomer widows' and are notoriously unfaithful.

There is another sub base in Holy Loch, Scotland and more than a few boomer sailors marry women from Scotland while they're stationed there and bring them back to the states and continue their careers.

Anyway...

One night me and my buddies were out drinking and I spotted a couple of rather... let's say 'substantial' lasses talking to one another with thick accents. Not being afraid of a little bit of meat on the bones I moseyed over and pitched my line: "Are you two ladies from Scotland?"

One of them sighed and rolled her eyes and huffed, "It's Wales".

Without missing a beat, I replied, "Apologies... Are you two whales from Scotland?"

The End (of what I remember about that night)

 

Groto-Potamus.
Not considered ‘rare’ in Groton.

 

You fucker !!
You owe me a keyboard cleaning...