Okay time to liven things up a bit with some jokes!

If this is a repost I apologize;

A bus full of ugly people crashes off a bridge.
At the pearly gates St. Michael welcomes them.
'As you have been burdened with the plight of being unattractive, I will give you any one wish in heaven.'
The first person said 'Ive been ugly my entire life, I want to be beautiful in heaven'
*poof*
She is beautiful.
Second person; ' I want to be beautiful too!'
*poof*
-laughter from the back-
third person; "I I want to be beautiful too!'
-Laughter-
forth person 'I want to be beautiful too!'
-LAUGHTER-
fifth person; "I I want to be beautiful too!'
-Maniacal LAUGHTER-
Last person in line: 'St Peter, everyone in front of me wished to be beautiful, right?
St Peter; Yes
Last person in line; 'Make them all ugly again!'

 

An Ohio State joke I learned from a scarlet and gray family.
Three men from Michigan State, Michigan, and Ohio State walk through a corn field, one stumbles across a buried lamp.
They rub it.
*Genie appears*
'Thank you for awakening me, I will grant you each a wish'
Michigan State goes first...'Things are soo great on my familys farm, I wish I was back there'
*poof* back on the farm
Michigan goes next... 'Ann Arbor is so beautiful and so special I want all Wolverines to be there, and a wall around Ann Arbor, and nothing gets in or out.'
*poof*
Buckeye...'So let me get this straight, all the Spartans a back on their farm?'
Genie 'Yes'
Buckeye 'All the Wolverines are in Ann Arbor, nothing can get in or out?'
Genie 'Yes'
Buckeye 'Fill it full of water'

 

A couple take in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger.

She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath but if she wanted to she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.......

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.

The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday....

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed.

She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, don't go to darts. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself.."

So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked:

"Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hair?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she showed the girl that indeed, she was far from hairless.

When the girl went to bed the husband came in, and the wife asked:

"Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

"Why not?" she said. "You've seen it before."

"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!!

 

I went Chopin earlier but I forgot my Liszt...I guess I'll go Bach later.

 

I'm glad you got a Handel on it.

 

The wife and I have been practicing social distancing lately.
Well, OK .... she calls it a restraining order

 

This just in:

Scientists have successfully grown a fully functional human larynx in a petri dish. The results speak for themselves.

 

I hereby don't care if this is a repost. Made me laugh.

Three nuns go into a liquor store and request a fifth of Scotch. The owner says, "I really don't feel right, selling liquor to you sisters."

One of the nuns explains, "This is medicinal, sir. Mother Superior has the constipation this evening."

The owner says, "All right, then," and sells them the Scotch. He finishes up the night, locks the door, walks down the street, and sees the three sisters sitting on the curb, laughing, singing, totally trashed.

He says, "You lied to me! You said this Scotch was to help Mother Superior with her constipation!"

The nun replies, "It wasn't a lie. She has the constipation, but she's going to shit when she sees us!"

 

What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?














A man will keep looking for a golf ball.

 

What's the difference between parsley and Jersey girls ?



















Ocasionally someone eats parsley.

 

What did the chicken say to the duck?















Don't ever cross the road, you'll never hear the end of it.

 

6.022 x 10^23 guacas = 1 guacamole


Made with fresh Avogadros...

 

Mollennials dad joke?

 

That's my go-to number when someone asks me to pick a number......maybe 1 in a thousand get it....

 

I just saw a sheep drive a car down the road wearing a swimsuit...
I think it was a lamb bikini.

 

Michigan fan here. If you please, kindly REMOVE this joke from this forum.

Then watch us dismantle Florida St this weekend.

 

The doc told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it," He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it before he got home to his wife. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to play with his unit. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." The cop replied, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago.

 

Is this a story about @Cannoli ?