Okay time to liven things up a bit with some jokes!

Discussion in 'General' started by Pepe Le Ghey Pew, Oct 25, 2007.

  1. gixxernaut

    gixxernaut Hold my beer & watch this

    Ma told Pa he needed to fix the hole in the outhouse.

    Pa took a look. "Ma, t'aint nothing wrong with the hole in the outhouse."

    Ma said, "You need to stick your head down and look inside."

    Pa stuck his head down to take a look. Didn't see anything. But when he tried to raise his head his beard got stuck and he hollered for Ma to help.

    "Aggravating, ain't it?" Ma said.
     
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  2. Johnny B

    Johnny B Cone Rights Activist

    A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring. "Yeah right!" she says. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed. Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and immediately begins snoring loudly. The woman decides maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly. The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know where we was or what we did, but we got FIRST and SECOND place!"
     
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  3. ryoung57

    ryoung57 Off his meds


    Walking home after a girls’ night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee. The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that. The next day, the first woman’s husband phones the second woman’s husband, furious: “My wife came home last night without her panties!” “That’s nothing,” says the other. “Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks that said, ‘From all of us at the fire station, we’ll never forget you.'”
     
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  4. auminer

    auminer Renaissance Redneck

    I went to my girlfriend's house expecting to see her. It was my girlfriend's sister (very hot) who opened the door in a slutty dress. She asked me to enter the house and said no one is coming home for another 5 hours, she then placed her hands on my shoulders and came close to me.

    I stopped her and left the house.

    I got into my car and immediately someone knocked on the door, I looked around to see my girlfriend.

    And her dad, mom and sister were standing outside.

    I got out of my car and my girlfriend hugged me tight and said it was a test and you passed. Her parents and sister also hugged me for being a good boyfriend.

    Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in the car.
     
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  5. Banditracer

    Banditracer Dogs - because people suck

    :crackup:
     
  6. motoboy

    motoboy Well-Known Member

  7. auminer

    auminer Renaissance Redneck

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  8. Sabre699

    Sabre699 Wait...hold my beer.

    Sad is a kind word.
    Pathetic is a better call.
     
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  9. gixxernaut

    gixxernaut Hold my beer & watch this

    Man we can't wait. We've got the canopy all assembled, the lights and funky music queued up, the black lights wired up and mirrors in strategic places. Only a couple more days until the winter of our disco tent!
     
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  10. OldSchlPunk

    OldSchlPunk Well-Known Member

  11. motoboy

    motoboy Well-Known Member

    Hey, I just set the major players in that thread to "ignore" and my quality of life, performance and IQ just went up substantially!
     
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  12. auminer

    auminer Renaissance Redneck

    A freshly minted U.S. Army lieutenant is assigned to a base in Afghanistan. He walks around the base and sees everything is regulation except there's a camel tied to a tree on the edge of the camp.

    The lieutenant asks one of the men who has been there awhile why there's a camel. The soldier explains sometimes they get lonely since there were no woman there, so they have the camel.

    The lieutenant is appalled but being new he just lets it go.

    After a few weeks he was feeling very lonely. So he takes the camel into his tent. It takes quite a bit of effort but finally he walks out, bruised and battered, but satisfied.

    "Wow," he says to the men, "that camel sure put up a fight! How do you guys do it?"

    One of the men responded, "Well usually we just use the camel to ride into town.
     
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  13. Banditracer

    Banditracer Dogs - because people suck

    :crackup::crackup:
     
  14. David-imoddavid

    David-imoddavid Well-Known Member

    Tech Support >

    A young woman submitted the message below (about her relationship to her husband) to tech support. She presumably did it as a joke. Then she got a reply that was way too good to keep to herself.
    The tech support people's love advice was hilarious and genius!


    The query:
    Dear Tech Support,
    Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0. I immediately noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
    In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 65, and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
    Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
    What can I do?
    Signed, Desperate


    She received this response:
    Dear Desperate,
    First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
    Please enter command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2. Do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
    If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
    However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta version.
    Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0, as it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources. In addition, please do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
    In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
    You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
    We recommend Cooking 3.0.
    Good Luck
    Tech Support Team
     
  15. tiggen

    tiggen Gringo AF

    "Smoking meat" and "Greek style"

    Maybe I'm just childish, but I giggled.
     

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  16. kenessex

    kenessex unregistered user

    A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

    On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home..

    While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'
    The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.' The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket.
    Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'
    'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

    On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'
    The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'
    The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'
    The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.
     
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  17. Yzasserina

    Yzasserina sound it out

    Male Logic

    This is a conversation between a man and his wife. Please note that she asks seven questions, which he answers quite simply.

    But then she is speechless after answering only one question from him. I bet this happens more often than not to most husbands out there…

    Wife: Do you drink beer?
    Husband: Yes.

    W: How many beers a day?
    H: Usually about three.

    W: How much do you pay per beer?
    H: $5.00, which includes a tip.

    W: And how long have you been drinking?
    H: About 20 years, I suppose.

    W: So a beer costs $5.00, and you have three beers a day, which puts your spending each month at about $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5,400, correct?
    H: Correct.

    W: If in one year you spend $5,400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
    H: Correct.

    W: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account for compound interest for the past 20 years, and you could have now bought an airplane?
    H: …

    H: Do you drink beer?
    W: No.

    H: Where is your airplane?

    :D
     
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  18. Phl218

    Phl218 Lemme ask my wife

    [​IMG]
     

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  19. auminer

    auminer Renaissance Redneck


    :crackup::clap::bow:

    Stolen for my facetoobs feed!
     
  20. Motofun352

    Motofun352 Well-Known Member

    Subject: It's a man thing...
    The bagpiper: Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life. As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.

    As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
    I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
    I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
    The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
    And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.
    As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
    Apparently, I'm still lost ... it's a man thing.
     
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