Okay time to liven things up a bit with some jokes!

A blonde woman enters a swimming competition and signs up for the breast stroke event. After a dismal loss she complained to the judges that the rest of the girls used their arms.

 

WARNING!


I got this from a friend who enjoys 'dad jokes'....

 

An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail."

A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.

Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor: "This is Gasoline!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.
Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back.
Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak."
Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000," passing the doctor a $500 note.
Doctor: "But this is $500..."
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be $500."

 

I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today. In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.

 

A dude got deployed in the South Pacific. He wrote back to his wife about all the beautiful women at hand, telling her he was looking for a hobby to keep himself busy so he wouldn't be tempted to stray.

She mailed him a harmonica and said, "Try learning to play this. That should keep you busy."

He wrote back and thanked her and promised to give it a try.

About a year later he finally got to go back home. "How about we head up to the bedroom?" he suggested.

"First," she replied, "let's hear you play that harmonica."

 

So, since vampires are destroyed by holy water, I always wondered why priests didn't just say a prayer over storm clouds and kill them all with a proper dousing. Then it occurred to me that most of the vampire stories you hear are about them being from Europe.



Because somebody already blessed the rains down in Africa.

 

On the first day after his divorce, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.

On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, a bottle of spring-water, 3 cans of sardines.

When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar, and some sardines into the hollow center of the curtain rods.

He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss.


Then, slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!...People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house...The maid quit.

Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.

Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price that was only 1/10 nth of what the house had been worth ... but only if he would sign the papers that very day.

He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.

A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home and to spite the ex-husband... they even took the curtain rods!

 

Two old guys, one 90 and one 96, were sitting on a park bench one morning. The 96-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 90-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 96-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day! It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home the 90-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help.
He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want five loaves."
She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard!"
The old man says to himself, I can't believe everybody knows about this sh*t but me!

 

I was nearly crying from laughing so hard as I told this joke to my wife. Her reaction was a blank stare. She does not appreciate word play humor. At all. Thx for the laugh; this made my day.

 

Toto done it.

 

I farted in the Apple store, and everyone got mad....

It's not my fault that they didn't have Windows

 

You cant starve out in the desert because of all the sand which is there

 

Where do mathematicians get their kicks?

On 8.124038

 

Q: How do you tell the sex if an ant?

A: Put it in water; if it sinks it’s girl-ant. If it floats, it’s boy-ant.

 

Two Roman commanders were tasked with conquering the Gauls.

One of them, Marcus Maximus, has vigorously trained his fighting men to within an inch of their lives. He thinks he is ready for any eventuality.

The other, more senior commander, goes by Brutus Quintus. He also has highly trained men under his command but he never goes anywhere without a unit of half-naked northern men painted blue. They are, in fact, a group of Pictish barbarians.

On the morning of the battle Marcus Maximus charges forward and destroys the Gauls almost immediately. It is total supremacy on the battlefield and Brutus Quintus just watches it all happen silently without committing a single soldier to the battle.

The following morning the army awakes and there, through some sorcery, is the Gaul army untouched and waiting again for battle. Again Marcus Maximus leads his troops into the fight and wipes out the Gauls only to awaken the next morning to find them magically waiting again.

Five days running Marcus defeats the Gauls and yet each morning his victory is undone by the magics of the Gauls.

Finally on the sixth day Brutus Quintus lines up his troops with his Pictish barbarians in the vanguard. They charge into the Gauls wiping them out. The next morning Marcus Maximus awakens ready to taunt Brutus for his failure but there on the field of battle is all the evidence of the defeated Gauls. Somehow, Brutus Quintus has defeated the Gauls and their magic.

Marcus Maximus looks to Brutus Quintus and asks him, "How did you undo these magics."

Brutus Quintus calmly replies, "Simple Marcus, you must understand that you need Picts or it didn't happen."

 

Gathered together in a cave with several species of small furry animals, groovin.

 

The older folks are catching the reference.

 

On behalf of Robby-Bobby and myself.........WOOT WOOT!!