Okay time to liven things up a bit with some jokes!

What's the worst part about being lonely?


















Playing frisbee.

 

An old lady went into a bar in Oklahoma City and saw a cowboy
with his feet propped upon a table.
He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.

The old woman asked the man if it's true what they say about men with big feet being well endowed.

The man grinned and said, 'Sure is, little lady. Why don't you come to my apartment and let me prove it to you?'

The old woman considered she might never get an offer like this again and was curious to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.

The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, 'Well, thank you, I'm really flattered. Nobody has ever paid me for my 'services' before!'
'Don't be flattered' she replied...Take the money and buy yourself some * *boots that fit...'

 

A panda spent the night in bed with a prostitute. The following morning as he is about ready to leave, the prostitute yells after him, "Hey, aren't you going to pay me?"

The panda appears confused, so she throws a dictionary at him and tells him to look up 'prostitute.'

The definition reads: 'A woman who engages in promiscuous sexual activity for pay. '

The panda throws the dictionary back at the prostitute and tells her to look up 'panda.'

The definition reads: 'An animal that eats bushes, shoots, and leaves'

 

There were five 'religous' institutions in a small Texas town... A Baptist Church, a Catholic Church, a Jewish Synagogue, A Methodist Church, and a Presbyterian Church. Each church and the Synagogue was overrun with squirrels one spring...
In the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
In the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.
In the Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
In the Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptised the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas, Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday and Easter.
Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called a Bris and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.

 

When you need a moyle, call d'Oil.

 

6.022 x 10^23 guacas = 1 guacamole

Made with fresh Avogadros...

 

Nerd Alert!...







...what does it weigh?

 

I went to the supermarket today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes.When I came out there was a cop writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Dick headed cop. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!

So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face down on the couch cause he's so ugly. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!

This went on until he had placed 5 tickets on the windshield... the more I insulted him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My motorcycle was parked around the corner.

 

I always wonder how this would go down in real life.

 

Let us know how it works out for ya.

 

Q. What do you call a deaf dog?

A. It doesn't matter, he won't come anyway.

 

Was getting ready for work last week and as I was standing at the bathroom counter I saw a spider run across the floor behind me. Didn't have anything handy so I just sprayed him with Axe body spray, figuring that would kill him. Now his name is Chad and he's banging all the female spiders in the house.

 

Q: What do you call a cow with no legs?
A: Ground beef.

 

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs ... :

On a wall?
Art

In a lake/the ocean?
Bob

In his wife's lingerie drawer?
Teddy

In a pile of leaves?
Russell

By the front door?
Matt

On a baseball field?
First base

On two wheels?
Axel

Under a car?
Jack





Dammit, I used to know dozens of these...

 

FIFY

 

Seattle joke: What do you call the first sunny day after two consecutive days of rain?



Monday.

 

What's brown and rhymes with Snoop Dogg?















Dr. Dre.

.

 

Repost. But still funny!