Okay time to liven things up a bit with some jokes!

Two blondes walk into a bar.

The redhead ducks.

 

I'll never forget the last words my grandfather said to me right before he kicked the bucket.













He said: "Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

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Knock knock.
Who's there?
To.
To who?
To whom.

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Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Dave.
Dave who?
*Dave proceeds to break into tears as his grandmother's Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she can no longer remember him.*

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If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.

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What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing – but it let out a little whine.

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The experienced carpenter really nailed it, but the new guy screwed everything up.

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The roundest knight at king Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.

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I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.

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When William joined the army he disliked the phrase ‘fire at will’.

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Novice pirates make terrible singers because they can’t hit the high seas.

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I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said ‘nothing’. The reason I said that instead of saying ‘just thinking’ is because she would have said ‘about what’. At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.

Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, “I think it would be nice to have another child.”

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, “You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts.”

I rest my case.

Time for another beer.

 

Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to NY, and the other to California. Every ten years they agree to meet in Chicago and play golf.

At age 30, they finish their round of golf and go to lunch.
"So where do you wanna go?"
"Hooter’s."
"Why?"
"Well, you know, they got the girls, with the big racks, and the tight shorts. The legs..."
"OK."

Ten years later at 40 they play.
"So where do you wanna go?"
"Hooter’s."
"Why?"
"Well, you know, they got cold beer and the big screen TVs and everybody
has a little action on the games."
"OK."

Ten years later at 50.
"So where do you wanna go?"
"Hooter’s."
"Why?"
"The food is good and there is plenty of parking."
"OK."

Ten years later at 60.
"So where do you wanna go?"
"Hooter’s."
"Why?"
"Wings are half price."
"OK"

Ten years later at 70.
"So where do you wanna go?"
"Hooter’s."
"Why?"
"They have 6 handicapped spaces right by the door."
"OK."

Ten years later at 80.
"So where do you wanna go?"
"Hooter’s."
"Why?"
"We've never been there before.”

 

Great Quotes

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz SL500." Lynn Lavner


"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married." George Burns


"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." Sharon Stone


"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." Tiger Woods


"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." Jack Nicholson


"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)


"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." Robin Williams


"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" Dustin Hoffman


"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked !" Jerry Seinfeld


"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time." Robin Williams


"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom." Joan Rivers


Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy. Steve Martin


You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for later in life. Elmo Phillips


"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." Oscar Wilde


"At my age, making love is like shooting pool with a rope." George Burns

 

What's red and invisible?










Zero ripe tomatoes

 

Why is a space rock tastier than an earth rock?


It's a little meteor.

 

What do you call a bear with no teeth?




A gummy bear.

 

A little boy came home from school and his homework assignment was to find out what the difference was between hypothetically and realistically,so he asked his dad. His dad said, “Well, go ask your mom if she would sleep with the mail man for $1,000,000.” He went and asked and came back and said, “She said yes”. “Well”, said the dad, “Go ask your sister the same question.” He did and came back and said, “She said yes.” And the dad said, “Now go ask your brother the same thing.” He did and came back and said, “He said yes too!” And the dad said, “Well hypothetically we’re sitting on three million dollars, realistically we’re living with 2 whores and a gay guy!”

 

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.
He asked one man, “Why are you eating grass?”
“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied. “We have to eat grass.”
“Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you,” the lawyer said.
“But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.”
“Bring them along,” the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, “You may come with us, also.”The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, “But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!”
“Bring them all as well,” the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, “Sir, you are too kind.
Thank you for taking all of us with you.
The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it. You’ll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high.”

 

Why did cavemen drag their women by the hair?





If you drag them by the feet they fill up with dirt.

 

I went out last Halloween for a Halloween party dressed as a chicken.
I met an attractive girl dressed as an egg.
That night, a lifelong question was answered:
It was the chicken.

 

Keeping in the chicken theme...


Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber..

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob....'

Bob was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St.. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.... The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before? '

'Never,' said Bob.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

Bob did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell.....

'BOB, wake up. You s**t the bed!'

 

Speaking of Bob...

Stormy Night
This will Make Your Day​

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe ... as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late at night and raining very hard with thunder and lightning.

Bob could barely see the road in front of the car.

Suddenly, the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog.
Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance. Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house.

He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes and a small, hunched old man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "But we don't have a phone. But my master is a doctor; come in, and I will get him!"

Bob brings his wife in. An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried.
"Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion."

Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail , and Bob and Betty Hill both passed away.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, haunting melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight! Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.
He Bursts in and shouts to his Master,

"Master, Master"

"The Hills are Alive with the Sound of Music!"












I am Soooooo Sorry.....
But You Really
Should've Seen That Coming!!



Happy Hallowe'en 31 Oct 2016

 

Ban him!

 

Panther, you owe me five minutes of my life back.

 

Slow reader?

 

What is black and bad for your teeth?















A bowling ball.