Divorce help - God Damn Epidemic

unless it's on a treadmill.

 

First - best of luck OP. Seriously.

Second - I've become convinced nothing we say to him is going to change his outlook or way of thinking. Some dudes just have to get trucked before they realize what's really going on.

A very good friend of mine is in a very similar situation. He is one of the best dudes I know. Super nice guy, do anything for anyone, etc etc. His wife pretty much got pregnant on purpose when they were dating for about 6 moths, 18 years ago. He married her, had another kid, made a go of it. A few months ago he starts getting suspicious that something is going on . She's acting different, locking her phone, 'business' trips tripled in frequency, etc. One night he figures out her code and goes through her phone. Yep, cheating. Full-on relationship, not a drunken one-night thing (not like that would be okay, but I digress) . He's devastated. Emotional dude to begin with, but he takes it hard. She admits to it. He doesn't kick her out, he doesn't leave. He is an idiot, and gets upset and wants to know all the details of it, tells her she's a terrible mother, yadda yadda. She responds by saying some of the most vile shit I have ever heard (not even gonna repeat it, but the LIGHT version is she told my buddy that cheater dude is better than him in every way, she loves him, etc). Oh, almost forgot - cheater dude is an out of work loser. He ends up staying on my couch and other buddies couches for a week or so. I initially started with saying 'well, that's terrible, protect yourself, etc'. After more and more details came to light that evolved into several of us telling him exactly how fucking awful she is and how he needs to get a lawyer ASAP. He says he is, but doesn't.

Here's the real idiocy of it all: she makes substantially more than him, and he has 90k in inheritance socked away. In Wisconsin, inheritance is one of the few things that is not considered family money. It's his, 100%. He would have walked away with maintenance FROM her, his pension and 401k, and his 90 grand. He starts to tell us he wants to stick around 'for the kids.' His oldest is 19, and the youngest is 17-1/2. He stops contacting us about it, FB is plastered with pics of them 'so in love' and other assorted dumbassery. I have very little doubt she is going to burn through that 90k, mortgage the house to the hilt, and take a different job that pays less so she won't have to pay him maintenance. She's that diabolical. Her own sisters told him she is the most selfish person they know and that he should get out. He will only say that he wants to beat the cheater dudes ass. Brilliant. Commit battery, go to jail, lose your job. Not mad at her any more though. Unreal.

He has a very large, very supportive group of friends. We all were there for whatever he needed. Good looking dude, would have no problem having some fun as a single guy. Instead, this is the route he chose. It's maddening. I can't even talk to him about it anymore. Watching someone willfully participate in ruining their future is not fun.

OP - This dude was on top of the world and treated his wife like a queen. Everyone thought they were the perfect family and all that shit. She is slowly and methodically destroying his soul and future because she has no compassion for anyone but herself. Protect yourself man.

 

You should take him ice fishing and put him out of his misery...
That would be the decent thing to do for that poor bastard.

 

I know. Nicest guy around. He just can’t pull his head out of his ass.

 

Are you sure he didn't mean take the deadbeat fishing?

 

No his friend. Taking the deadbeat fishing only helps his friends anger and makes it easier for him to stay with his shitty wife.
His wife deserves the deadbeat and where that will lead, his friend doesn't deserve a shitty wife he can't get over...

 

I never understood the logic behind giving your spouse a pass and getting all pissy at the random dude she chose to cheat on you with. Perhaps if you know the guy, or worse he's a close friend, then maybe. But otherwise it seems like a pointless cop-out to holding her accountable for her actions.

 

That is really sad.

 

The pussy pass is everywhere.

 

It really is. At this point we’re all like ‘well... he’s a big boy and this is his choice. We’ve told him very bluntly that he’s a fucking idiot.’ Some dudes just gotta ride that train till it’s off the tracks I guess.

 

Same... I don't really give a shit about the dude... he had no obligation to me... why blame him for getting his dick wet when I probably would have done the same.

 

I disagree, to a point. The Jody is in need of an uppercut, too.

 

Even if you (generally speaking) assume that he knows the truth, I think that getting mad at him is just a defense mechanism to avoid feeling like a loser and to be able to look yourself in the mirror when you get back with the cheater. 100% of the blame goes to the couple in my book, usually most of it to the cheating spouse. Side piece might be a scumbag (depending on the situation), but they're not responsible.

 

Scumbag gets uppercut.

Don't get me wrong, the cheater is 100% to blame, but Jody (assuming (s)he knows the cheater is cheating, is still in the wrong.

 

If I ever hypothetically caught my now ex cheating with someone the first question would be "did you know she had a boyfriend/fiancee/husband?"

If the dude thinks hes smashing a single girl, I can't fault him. If he knew they were cheaters, fuck em...lower than scum.

 

@zx6rfool any update? Hope you’re holding it together.

 

Day to day. We are separated. Working up the separation agreement. Im up and down, some days, or hours I feel ok, others my chest hurts so much its hard to focus, sleep, or eat. Family and friends have been a huge help and support, and Im making sure to get out and reconnect with them and my hobbies, went for a great long ride this weekend with some new people and that really helps. Kids dont know yet, and we are going to wait to talk to them about it until they ask.

 

By all means don't take this as me telling you what to do.

You may want to think about talking to the kids sooner then later. It will be the hardest part, but it will also be the biggest help with you really being able to move on. Those chest pains are coming from the thought that you have to break your kids heart. The actual healing cant start until you tell them. They also need to be reassured that, both parents are still going to be 100% in there lifes aside from living together. Once this all done you will find a weight being lifted off of your shoulders and everyday will then get better and be able to really enjoy everyday again. Good luck!

 

Come on....give yout kids some credit. They aren't stupid, they know somethings up, and they also have friends they talk to who are statistically speaking, in a divorced home.