Okay time to liven things up a bit with some jokes!

How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb?

Is it one... or two?

One... or two?

One... or two?

 

Bruh ...

 

Lunch with the Pope ...

President Trump invited the Pope to lunch on his mega yacht.
The Pope accepted.

During lunch a puff of wind blew the Pontiff's hat off, right into the water.
It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down and it just floated in place.
The crew and the Secret Service were scrambling to launch a boat to go get it, when Trump waved them off, saying, "Never mind boys, I'll get it."
Then Donald climbed over the side of the yacht, walked on the water to the hat, picked it up, walked back on the water, climbed into the yacht, and handed the Pope his hat.

The crew was speechless.
The security team and the Pope's entourage were speechless.
No one knew what to say, not even the Pope.

Later that afternoon, ABC, CBS, NBC, CNN, MSNBC reported:






"TRUMP CAN'T SWIM”

 

Dangerously close...

 

Oh cool, politics in general.

 

I recall reading or hearing that joke in reference to Obama and the Republican House members . . .

 

And every guy who reposts thinks he's posting new material.

 

> John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of
> me life, between the legs of me wife!"
>
> That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
>
> He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best
> toast
> of the night"
>
>
> She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
>
>
> John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church
> beside me wife."
>
> "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
>
> The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street
> corner. The man chuckled leeringly! and said, "John won the prize the
> other
> night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
>
> She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You
> know,
> he s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep,
> and the other time I had! to pull him by the ears to make him come."

 

For Phl218...

How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?

One...they're very efficient but not very funny...







A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said
"Can you please help me, I don't know what hole I'm on."

She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6." He thanked her and continued playing golf. On the back nine he got lost again.

He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed.
"I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on."
She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13." Again he thanked her and continued playing golf.

When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they

were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living.

"I'm in sales."

He replied "no kidding so am I. What do you sell?"

She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised.
She said, "I sell tampons".

He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.

She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh".

He replied "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I am a rep for toilet paper. I'm still one hole behind you."

 

And before being rewarmed for presidents it was an old Cajin joke told by Justin Wilson with a hunting dog as the non-swimming protagonist. That joke's so old when it start going around the Dead Sea was known as the Sea With Flu-like Symptoms.

 

Oh, and Orvis told it the first time!

 

A lonely 70-year-old widow decided that it was time to marry again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: "Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person."

The following day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow asked: "Just look at you -- you have no legs!"

The old gent smiled: "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"

"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.

Again, the old man smiled: "Therefore, I can never beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently: "Are you still good in bed?"

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said: "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

 

What's the difference between a Garbanzo bean and a Chick Pea ? I've never had a Garbanzo bean on my chest.

 

I can't find the meme I saved, a smiling guy saying "I never paid $100 to have a garbanzo on my face"

 

A fortune telling midget that kills its customers is a small medium at large.

 

I talked to a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way.

He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage."

I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?" "Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "No, no.... I was paroled."