Okay time to liven things up a bit with some jokes!

What’s the difference between a marriage and a battery?






















A battery has a positive side.

 

A man found a woman tied to the rail tracks and untied her.

Then they had a lot of sex and he was on his way to the bar. He started boasting about all the different positions they had sex in.

The bartender asks did you get any head.

To which the man replies "I couldn't find the head."

 

Something tells me that Plarp will lOve this joke....

 

He is someone who understands that every once in a while a fella just wants to pop a cold one.


is

 

So there was this guy who had recently gone through a particularly rocky divorce.

He took a solo vacation to the beach for a while to clear out his head. One morning after a storm he was walking along the beach and he came across a brass lamp. This dude has read that book before; he knew what was up.

He picked up the lamp and sure enough, out popped the genie.

The genie said, "I grant you three wishes, but there is a catch: any wish I grant to you, your ex-wife will receive twofold.

The guy strokes his beard and ponders this conundrum for a moment and then he says,"Grant me one hundred million dollars."

The genie waves his wand and says, "Abra Capocus, you have a hundred million dollars... but your ex-wife has 200 million."

Bearded man nods, unconcerned. He then says, "Grant me a ten thousand acre ranch, with five thousand cattle and a hundred fine horses."

The genie flips his robe and says, "Hocus Cadabra, you have a ten thousand acre ranch with five thousand cattle and a hundred fine steeds.. but your ex-wife has a twenty thousand acre ranch with ten thousand cattle and two hundred fine horses... What is your final wish? Choose wisely!"

The man grins beneath his beard and looks the genie in the eye and says,"Conjure a baseball bat and beat me half to death."

 

Yep, we're to that point where we've told 'em all. From now on we should just yell out the number of the joke and everyone have a laugh.

2011!

 

Damn...... Reposted my own self...from 11 1/2 years ago.



I dunno, I was really drunk at the time...

 

It's always about Money....

 

I haven't clicked into this thread in years, but my ears were burning. I appreciate the accolades.

So here goes, a joke some Canadian kid told us in high school ...

A gentleman is washing his hands in the bathroom at a bar when this other dude with no arms walks in.

"Hey man' said the guy with no arms - 'can you give me a hand here (literally) ... this chick's been feeding me drinks at the bar, but there's just no way I can get home in time to wizz. Could you just unzip my fly?"

The man with arms, appalled by the whole deal, just doesn't want anything to do with it, but the guy with apparent amelia persists;

"Look, I gotta go, you can pull the money out of my jacket pocket, take whatever you think is fair, just help me out, please!"

The man with arms checks it out and finds a reasonable sum of money in the pocket, but first, checks around to make sure the bathroom is empty: looks under the stalls, around the corner ...

"Alright, I'll help you" as he takes some cash while they both walk over to a urinal. Without looking, the armed man unzips the armless man's fly and the latter wiggles everything out by himself and goes to pee.

Being horrified upon the realisation of what's happening, the guy with arms starts heading for the door.

"Hey, HEY ... HEEYY!' said the armless man, 'I can't go back out there like this, please, just please help me get this back in and we'll never see each other again. There's more money in another pocket if you want it. Just, I'll get arrested out there looking like this!"

The armed man again, checks the scene to make sure no one's around. Walks over, and just as he puts the armless man's unit back in, out curiosity, he looks.

And it's all green and nasty - basically, med school text book grossness.

He jumps back - "Dude! WTF is wrong with your dick!?!?"

And the armless man starts pulling his arms out of his jacket, and as he zips his pants he says "I don't know, but I'm not touching it 'til I find out."

 

Reminds me of an old Richard Pryor bit:

A guy is taking a shower in one of the open showers at the YMCA when a really fat guy comes in, disrobes and starts taking a shower nearby. Fat guy's belly hangs down so far it almost covers up his genitals.

"Damn, dude, how long has it been since you've seen your dick?"

"I dunno, been a long time I guess."

"Don't you think it's time to try to diet?"

"Why? What color is it?"






(say it aloud if you have to...)

 

Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd break into a distillery.

Daffy says to Elmer, "Hey... Is this whiskey?"

To which Elmer replies, "Yes, but not as wisky as wobbing a bank!"


Heheheheheheheheh

 

》crickets《

Some people just can't tell a joke.

 

A teacher is doing attendance...

She comes across the name "hijkm" she says "I'm sorry, I'm not sure how to pronounce this name..." then spells it out.

A girl raises her hand and says, "That's me, and it's pronounced Noelle."

 

Bob is driving down the road and he suddenly ran out of gas. A bee flew in through his window and asked him, "Did you run out of gas?"

Bob said that he indeed had run out of gas and the bee told him to wait right there and flew away. Several minutes later, the bee returned with the entire hive which flew into his gas cap and then back out again. The bee told Bob,"Try it now..."

The car fired right up. Bob was ecstatic, but confused. He asked the bee, "What did y'all put in there???"

The bee replied...













BP.









(good thing they weren't Esso bees)





And that's the story of the Great Gasbee.






My keyboard really needs a breathalyzer....

 

Damn...

 

The restaurant's name was CompuDine.

When I walked in I could see the place decorated like the inside of a computer. The tables looked like motherboards, the placemats looked like keyboards, and the glasses looked like giant USB sticks. The host was there to greet me and he was dressed in the usual "nerd" attire - glasses, pocket protector, etc. But something seemed off. He seemed really, really sad. I shrugged it off as he showed me to my table.

When I get to my table a waitress in glasses brings me a menu to peruse. She hardly says anything to me. She actually seems even more depressed than the first guy!

After perusing the "main menu" I decide to have the fish and microchips. A waiter comes back to take my order. He's barely listening to me. He sobs as she writes down my order, then storms away in tears. What was that all about?

Anyway 25 minutes goes by and no food arrives. 45 minutes goes by and no food arrives. An HOUR goes by and there's no food nor a waiter in sight. Finally I see the manager walking past my table. I grab his arm for answers.

"What the hell is going on? I've been waiting here an hour already! Where the hell is my food and why are all your staff so upset?!"

The manager replies, "I'm so very sorry, sir. All of our servers are down."

 

An atheist was seated next to a dusty old cowboy on an airplane and he turned to him and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”
The old cowboy, who had just started to read his book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you want to talk about?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” said the atheist. “How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?” as he smiled smugly.
“Okay,” he said. “Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?”
The atheist, visibly surprised by the old cowboy's intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”
To which the cowboy replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don’t know shit?”

 

The ancient Egyptians used seven sacred oils to anoint the dead.

But be careful. If you Google "Seven Sacred Oils of Ancient Egypt" the entire front page of results will be ads trying to get you to join any of several multilevel marketing scams selling essential oils the ancient Egyptians used. Yep... just a bunch of pyramid schemes.