Okay time to liven things up a bit with some jokes!

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.
The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down. Then, pees into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'

Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about?

I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She pees into a toilet and she gets in!

'Sorry, Dolly," says the Angel, 'but even in Heaven, A Royal Flush beats a Pair. no matter how big they are."

 

Dad joke:

Why can't the blind man see his friends?






Because he's married.

 

Why does the queen in chess have so much more mobility that the king?










Because the board looks like a kitchen floor.

 

Another one stolen from twatter...

 

3 stoners buy a horse

They go home with the horse and make it stay in the living room.

One of the friends pull out a bong and they all take hits until they're stoned.

While stoned they come up with an idea to have fun with the horse.

They attach a feeding muzzle onto the horse and funnel in smoke from the bong.

Eventually, they detach muzzle the horse and the horse's eyes get bloodshot, it is visibly high.

As a consequence, the horse starts talking:

"You have awakened me", the horse says.

The stoners, shocked, reply, "whoa, you can talk?" In unison.

The horse proceeds to tell them that they must jerk him off or die.

The first stoner says "nuh-uh, i aint like that", and the horse mauls him and chews his face, killing him slowly.

The second stoner tries to escape, screaming "Id rather die than jerk off a horse!"

The horse opens a safe, takes out a shotgun, and unloads a shell into the second stoner, making him slowly bleed out to death.

The third stoner, horrified, approaches the horse and fulfills the act until the horse is finished. The horse then spares the third stoner, and leaves him a diamond worth a great fortune.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why you should get off your high horse

 

Two neutrons were arguing on the neutron web forum.

One of them tells the other, "You couldn't hit the broadside of a barn."

The other neutron replies, "Oh, yeah? We'll see what the moderator has to say about that!"


Maybe two of you guys will get that one, but they will find it hilarious.

 

Hardee har har, funny boy. You fission to be in some hot water you keep that up.

 

How come Witches don’t wear panties ? ..... so they can get a better Grip on the broom

 

Why did the caveman drag his women by the hair ?



Cause when you drag them by their feet they fill up with mud.

 

Close. LOL

 

Two young kids were at the Hospital getting prepped for Surgery... the first kid asked the other , what surgery are you having done ? He goes , I’m having my tonsils removed .
The first kid said , that the best surgery Ever ... they put you to sleep and when you wake up you get to eat as much ice cream as you want for two days ... wow said the second kid , that great .
The second kid asked the first one what Surgery are you having done ? ... he goes I’m having a Circumcision . Oh man , sorry to hear that , that’s the worst operation ever ... I had that when I was born , and I couldn’t walk for a Year .....

 

probably in here already

 

A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at the bar.

I decided to break the ice with these new friends with a few jokes, most of them went down very well.

Until I decided to tell a few more offensive jokes. I picked the worst possible one to start off with.

Here is the joke I told;

"What do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath?

Throw in your laundry in."

One of the friends instantly became enraged and took a swing at me. When I ask him what his problem was he replied that his little brother had been epileptic and had died in the bath many years ago.

Obviously I was mortified as I had not known this. I said "I am so sorry to hear that. Did he drown?"

"No" replied the guy, "he choked on a sock."

 

A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn't know which one to marry..

As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it.

The first girlfriend went out and got herself a complete makeover. She told him, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second went shopping and bought the man new golf clubs, an iPad and an 80-inch flatscreen TV. She said, "I bought these gifts for you because I love you so much."

The third woman took the $5,000 and invested it in the stock market, doubled her investment, returned $5,000 to the man and re-invested the rest. She said, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

The man thought long and hard about how each of his girlfriends had spent the money, and then he decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.

 

Two women are talking in the office one afternoon. One says: My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store last night.

The other replied: Maybe you should wear longer skirts.

 

Not gonna be much of a fight if she's packing a gun in that bag.

 

Elon Musk is branching out into motorcycle production.

It will be called the 'Testicle'.

 

performs poorly in the cold..full of spunk tho