I thought you guys might like this one --------------------------------------------- Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Meadow, Col. December 14 Dearest John: I went to the door today and the postman delivered a Partridge in a Pear Tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift! I couldn't have been more surprised. With deepest love and devotion, Agnes -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Meadow, Col. December 15 Dearest John: Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine - Two Turtle Doves! I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable. All my love, Agnes -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Meadow, Col. December 16 Dearest John: Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity - Three French Hens! They are just delightful, but I must insist, you've been too kind. Love, Agnes -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Meadow, Col. December 17 Dearest John: Today the postman delivered Four Calling Birds. Now really, you're being too romantic. They are beautiful, but don't you think that enough is enough? Affectionately, Agnes -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Meadow, Col. December 18 Dearest John: What a surprise! Today the postman delivered Five Golden Rings - one for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves. Love, Agnes -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Meadow, Col. December 19 Dear John: When I opened the door, there were actually Six Geese-A-Laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop. Cordially, Agnes -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Meadow, Col. December 20 John: What's with you and those fucking birds? Seven Swans-A-Swimming! What kind of a goddamn joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house and they never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck - it's not funny. So stop with those fucking birds! Sincerely, Agnes -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Meadow, Col. December 21 OK Buster! I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 Maids a Milking? It's not enough with all these birds and maids a milking, but they had to bring their goddamn cows! There's shit all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass! Agnes -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Meadow, Col. December 22 Hey Shithead: What are you, some kind of sadist? Now there are nine Pipers Piping! And Christ do they play! They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they got here. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me! You'll get yours! Agnes -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Meadow, Col. December 23 You Rotten Prick! Now there's Ten Ladies Dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. The cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm siccing the police on you. One who means it!! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Meadow, Col. December 24 Listen Fuckhead: What's with the Eleven Lords a Leaping on those Maids and Ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows! All 23 birds are dead, they've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you vicious, rotten swine. Your sworn enemy, Agnes -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Law Offices Badger, Bender & Cajole 303 Knave Street Chicago, Ill. December 25 Dear Sir: This is to acknowledge receipt of your latest gift of the Twelve Drummers Drumming, which you have seen fit to inflict upon our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All future cor-respondence should be sent to our attention. If you should attempt to contact Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot on sight! With this letter you will find attached a warrant for your arrest. Cordially, Badger, Bender & Cajole ------------------ Michael Roberson #66 Robey's Racing
A travelling salesman on business in West Virginia met a young lady in a bar, and invited her to his room. As she was disrobing, he said, "Say, how old are you?" "Thirteen." she said. "Thirteen?! My God! You're a child! Put your clothes back on right now and get out of here!" On her way out the door, the confused nymphet paused, turned to him, and said, "You're superstitious, right?"
Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put up a sign reading "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology." The town's fathers were not too happy with that sign, so they changed it to "Hysterias and Posteriors." This was not acceptable either, so they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." No go, so they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics." Thumbs down again, so they tried "Manic-depressives and Anal-retentives." Still not good, so they tried "Minds and Behinds." Unacceptable again, so they tried "Lost Souls and Ass Holes." Still no go. Nor did "Analysis and Anal Cysts", "Nuts and Butts", "Freaks and Cheeks" or "Loons and Moons" work either, so they finally settled on: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."
Only in America . 1. Can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. 2. Do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. 3. Do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a diet coke. 4. Do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters. 5. Do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our worthless junk in the garage. 6. Do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place. 7. Do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on it's final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom,"This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto". He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation in the cockpit.The copilot says to the pilot. "Well, skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto?" Now all ears are listening to this conversation. "Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a crap. Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess out for supper. You know, the one with the huge boobs. I'm gonna wine and dine her, then take her back to my room and put it to her all night." Everyone on the plane is trying to get a look at the new stewardess. She's so embarrassed that she runs from the back of the plane to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes. The old lady leans over and says: "No need to run, dear. He's gotta take a shit first." [This message has been edited by Due North (edited 12-05-2001).]
20 things you’ll never hear a Nascar fan say 1. Duct tape won't fix that. 2. We don't keep firearms in this house. 3. You can't feed that to the dog. 4. I thought Graceland was tacky. 5. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe. 6. Wrasslin's fake. 7. Honey, we don't need another dog. 8. Who's Richard Petty? 9. Give me the small bag of pork rinds. 10. Too many deer heads detract from the decor. 11. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today. 12. The tires on that truck are too big. 13. I've got it all on the C drive. 14. Unsweetened tea tastes better. 15. I’ll have some of that bottled water. 16. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl. 17. Checkmate. 18. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen. 19. I believe you cooked those green beans too long. 20. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight
Two cousins, one from New York City and one who owns a hog farm in rural Virginia. The cityslicker visits the farm and asks, "How in the heck do you put up with this godawful stench?" Cousin replies, "Easy. These hogs are the best sex ever! Try one." "No way." "Chicken." "Oh, okay." The city slicker looks at the 10,000 hogs, picks one out, takes it behind the barn, then comes back 10 minutes later. "So, I was right," the country cousin said with a grin. "No, I'm sorry, I couldn't do it. I...I couldn't get an erection." The country cousin squints at the chosen hog, then tells his cousin, "Well, no wonder! You picked the ugliest one in the bunch!"
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN Compliment her, respect her, honor her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine and dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, hold her, go to the ends of the Earth for her. HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN Show up naked. Bring food.
Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began? Here's the true story. Back in the olden days, a man was traveling by foot through Switzerland. Nightfall was approaching, and the man had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn. So the man went into the barn to bed down, and the farmer went back into the house. As the story goes, the farmer's daughter (you knew this was coming, right?) came downstairs and asked her father, "Who was that man going into the barn? "That's some fellow just traveling through," said the farmer. "He needed a place to stay for the night, so I said that he could sleep in the barn." The daughter then asked, "Did you offer the man anything to eat?" "Um, no, I didn't," the farmer answered. The daughter said, "Well, I'm going to take him some food." She went to the kitchen, prepared a plate of food, and then took it out to the barn. An hour later she returned. Her clothes were all disheveled and buttoned up wrong, and she had several strands of straw tangled up in her long blond hair. She immediately went up the stairs to her bedroom and went to sleep. A little later, the farmer's wife came down and asked her husband why their daughter went to bed so early. "I don't know," said the farmer. "I told a man that he could sleep in the barn, and our daughter took him some food." "Oh," replied the wife. "Well, did you offer the man anything to drink?" "Umm, no, I didn't," said the farmer. The wife then said, "I'm going to take something out there for him to drink." The wife went to the cellar, got a bottle of wine, then went out to the barn. She didn't return for over an hour, and when she did, her clothes were also messed up, and she had straw twisted into her blond hair. She went straight up the stairs and into bed. The next morning at sunrise, the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left the farm and walked toward the mountain. A while later, the daughter woke up and came rushing downstairs. She went right out to the barn, only to find it empty. She went to her father and said "Where's the man from the barn?" Father answered, "He left several minutes ago." "What?" she cried. "He left without saying good-bye? After all we had together? I mean, last night he made such passionate love to me." "What?" shouted the father. The farmer ran into the yard looking for the man, but by now the man was halfway up the side of the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm gonna get you! You had sex with my daughter." The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hands next to his mouth, and yelled out,....... ILAIDTHEOLADEETOO...
Michael The Dragon Master Michael the Dragon Master was an official in King Arthur's court. He had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts. But he knew the penalty for this would be death. One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio, who was the King's chief physician. Horatio said "I can arrange it, but I will need 1,000 gold coins to pay bribes". Michael the Dragon Master readily agreed. The next day Horatio made up a batch of itching lotion and poured a little of it into the Queens brassiere while she was taking a bath. Soon after she dressed the itching commenced and grew in intensity. Upon being called to the royal chambers, Horatio told the King that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown such a saliva was only to be found in Michael the Dragon Master's mouth. King Arthur summoned Michael the Dragon Master and issued the imperial command. Michael the Dragon Master slipped the antidote to the itching lotion, which Horatio had given him, into his mouth and for the next four hours worked passionately on the Queen's magnificent breasts. Satisfied, he returned to his chamber and found Horatio demanding payment. However, with his obsession now satisfied, he refused to pay Horatio anything and shooed him away, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King. The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching lotion into King Arthur's loincloth. And Michael the Dragon Master was again summoned by the King. Moral of the story: Don't be a sucker. Pay your bills.
A guy walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder. He goes up to the bar and orders a drink. The bartender says,"Hey man, make sure you keep an eye on your monkey. It's against health regulations to have him in here but as long as he is well behaved, he can stay." The guy says Ok and no sooner had he gotten that out of his mouth, the monkey jumped down off the bar, hopped up on the pool table, grabbed the 8 ball and swallowed it. The bartender, needless to say, was pissed. "Dude, you owe me $100 bucks for the lost wages on that table for the night and a rack of balls. You can't just buy an 8 ball! And, you and your monkey need to get the hell outta my bar! " Knowing that he really liked this particular bar, the guy says " Oh come on. Give us another chance. Well, I'll tell ya what. Here's a $100 bill for the lost wages on the table and the monkey will pass the 8 ball tommorrow. I'll clean it up and bring it back to you tommorrow, good as new. No harm no foul. The bartender looks down his nose at the guy and says, "Fine. But you had better get that 8 ball disinfected. It had better be clean." Sure enough, the next day, the guy walks in with the monkey on his shoulder and a nice shiney 8 ball in hand. He places the 8 ball on the table and starts to head for the bar. Right about then, the monkey jumps down off of his shoulder, bounces off the floor and up onto the bar. He begins taking peanuts out of the bowl, stuffing them up his ass and then pulling them out and eating them. The bartender, seeing his patrons running for the door puking all over the place, is quite steamed and screams, " GET OUT!!! You and your monkey are no longer welcome here!" Dude says, on his way out the door, " I am sorry man but he's afraid to put anything in his mouth that won't fit up his ass." ------------------ "GasTard" In More Ways Than One- PMF Racing John W. Walters #728 Expert Rookie Black SV http://home.mindspring.com/~jwwalters/index.html
Jack and Jill have been dating for several weeks, and they decide to take the relationship up a notch; they were going to have dinner with Jill's parents. As they got off of Jack's totally tricked out, solid chrome Harley, Jill pulled Jack aside. "Listen Jack, there's something you should know about my family. The first one to say anything after dinner is done has to do the dishes...they're pretty hardcore about this." Jack tells her that he's cool with that, so they go in for dinner. Everyone has a wonderful time, and as Jack takes his last bite, I silent hush fell across the table. Determined not to be the one to do the dishes, Jack pushes his plate away from him and does nothing. A half hour passes with everyone sitting there, not saying a word. Jack decides to see if he can shock someone into talking, so he grabs Jill, throws her up onto the table, and makes passionate love to her. Not a word from anyone. Throwing all caution to the wind, he grabs Jill's Mom, throws her onto the table, and does the nastiest, freakiest things to her that he can think of. Still not a word from anyone. Just then, there's a flash of lightning outside, and Jack whips out a bottle of Vaseline to put on his bike and protect it from the rain. Jill's Dad jumps up, begans frantically grabbing dishes and yells "ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT! I'LL DO THE DAMNED DISHES!"
