Okay time to liven things up a bit with some jokes!

A man tries to get into a prono movies house with his pet duck, the cashier tells the man "No ducks alllowed inside"

So the man goes back outside, hides the duck inside his jacket and enters the dark movie theatre.

Once inside, he sits beside 2 women.

The woman sitting next to him whispers to the other "The man next to me has his pecker exposed"

The other woman says back "Ignore it, it happens all the time in here"

The first woman says "I can't, it's eating my popcorn!"

 

All fixed up....

A man inside a movie house sits beside 2 women.

The woman sitting next to him whispers to the other "The man next to me is masterbating"

The other woman says back "Ignore it, it happens all the time in here"

The first woman says "I can't, he is using my hand!

 

Whats the difference between jews and canoes?

Jews don't tip.

 

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure.

A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?

 

A young man joins the Foreign Legion and of course his first assignment is to be stationed at an outpost in the desert 35 miles from the nearest town.

After months of gueling desert patrols, all night guard duty and doing all the worst jobs on the post the soldier finnally gets a night off.

He goes straight to the camp rec center and ask the Sargeant if there are any women living in camp or not cuz he's got an "itch that needs scratchin" . . . . . The Sargeant say "Nope, but theres an old camel named Sweetheart tied up out back, your welcome to use her if you want.

The soldier thinks for a minute then says "the heck with it, out here in the desert you have to make do with what's availible". He spends about 20 minutes out back with the camel and then thanks the Sargeant as he passes back through the rec hall.

"Back so soon ?" says the Sargeant . . . . .

"Yeah" says the Soldier sheepishly . . . . "I haven't had any sex in a long time, it didn't take me very long" . . . . .

The Sargeant looks puzzled . . . . "Wait a minute son, you mean to tell me you screwed that camel ? ! ! " . ."Everyone else rides her to town and gets themselves a woman ! ! ! "

 

I really enjoyed this. where can I find more info about this. email me..

 

There was an article on Flatulence and it's impact on top speed in Roadracing World a few years back. I think back issues are available on Amazon. Do a search.:up:

 

An old lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex.

The doctor gives her a super strong Viagra pill, but warns her it’s still experimental and tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner.
So, that night at dinner, she does. About a week later she goes back to see the doctor.

She says, 'Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you suggested. It wasn't five minutes and he jumps up, throws all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabs me, rips all my clothes off and ravishes me right there on the table.'

The doctor says, 'I'm so sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages.'
'No . . . that's okay.” Replied the old lady, “We wouldn’t go back to that restaurant anyway.'

 

One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little
boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his
mouth and asked,

"Do you know what it is?"

"No, I don't," said the little boy.

"Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom
before he goes to work."

That's when little Johnny at the back of the room yelled,

"Spit it out! It's a piece of a$$!!"

 

A young man went into a drugstore to shop for condoms for the first time.
The druggist suggested the economy pack—three for a dol¬lar.
The kid agreed.
The druggist rang up the sale.
"That'll be one dollar and eight cents."
"You said three for a dollar," the kid com¬plained. "What's the eight cents for?"
"Tax," replied the druggist.
This confused the kid even more. He finally asked, "Don't they stay on by themselves?"



.

 

A drunk was hunched over the bar, trying to spear the olive in his martini with a toothpick.
A dozen times he poked; a dozen times the olive eluded him.
Finally, another patron who had been watching from the next stool grabbed the toothpick.
"Here, this is how you do it," he said as he easily skewered the olive.
"Big deal," muttered the drunk. "I already had him so tired he couldn't get away."



.

 

borrowed from another bbs

A man is captured by Indians and is told by the Chief that he has 3 wishes before he dyes and he is entitled to one wish per day. The Chief asks him about his first wish. The man tells the Chief, "I want to talk to my horse."

The Chief looks puzzled and asks, "What do you want to talk to your horse for?"

"I just want to talk to my horse!"

The Chief grants his wish. The man talks to his horse, the horse runs off and returns with a blond woman on his back. The man shakes his head in disgust, takes the lady off the horse and spends the night with her in his Tee-Pee holding cell.

The Chief and the other Indians are confused wondering, "Do all Pail faces get this way before they die?"

The next day the Chief approaches the man again and asks, "What is your second wish?"

The man replies, "I want to talk to my horse."

The Chief utterly confused asks, "You talked to your horse yesterday. Why do you want to talk to your horse?"

"I just want to talk to my horse!" The man retorted.

He talks to his horse, the horse runs off and returns with another blond on his back. The man is really disgusted, but takes the lady off the horse and sleeps with her.

The Indians are by now very bewildered at the mans behavior.

The next day the Chief approaches and says, "OK. This is your 3rd day. What is your third wish."

Looking very serious, the man says with a cold voice, "I want to talk to my horse!"

The Chief couldn't believe it. "What do you want to talk to your horse for now!?" Asked the now perplexed Chief.

"I just want to talk to my horse!" Said the angry man.

The man stomps his way to the horse, looks him in the eye and yells, "I said posse you idiot!"

 

Love Marriage...

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other." He
replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go along."

So she consented, and they were married and went on a honeymoon to a
very nice resort. One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck
gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.

She said, "That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool. She did laps in freestyle, breast stroke, even butterfly! After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

'No," she said, "I was a hooker in Kentucky and I worked both sides of the Ohio River."

 

A Jewish couple is very concerned about their young sons performance in his math class. No matter what they tried, he would not apply himself and his grades were terrible. The mother went to their Rabbi for advice.

"Rabbi, my son is failing math. No matter what we do he just won't try. We've tried punishment, bribes, shame...nothing works", the mother cried.

The Rabbi replied, "Send him to the Catholic school down the street."

"Catholic school? Are you nuts?"

"Try it", said the rabbi.

With no alternative, the couple broke down and sent their son to the Catholic school as the Rabbi had suggested. Sure enough in a month all homework was complete and the boy was making A's.

The mother went to her son and asked, "What is it with the Catholic School? Before you don't make any effort and your grades, they were terrible."

"Well", her son replied, "when I walked into class and saw that picture of the guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they meant business."

 

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir circumference.

He acquired his size from too much pi.

 

Shouldn't that have been "Sir Cumference?"

 

There was a group of Psychologist at a convention about Freudian Slips.

John and Sam got to talking and John goes:

“I had one heck of a slip on my way here”

“Oh Yeah” Sam replies, “What did you say”

“As I went up to the counter to check in at the airport, I noticed the agent was the most beautiful, big chested woman I have ever seen. So I when I went to ask her for 2 tickets to Pittsburg, I actually said “Can I get to Pickets to Tittsburg”

“Wow John, that’s a pretty good one, I too had a pretty good slip the other night at dinner when I ask my wife to please pass the pea’s”

John: “Really, what did you say”

Sam: “You fucking bitch you ruined my life”

 

Yeah, that would have been better. Rushing isn't always good...

 

A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his sex life.

The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but didn't seem to be getting a clear picture of the problems.

Finally, he asked, "Do you ever watch your girlfriend's face while you're having sex?"

"Well, yes, I did once."

"Well, how did she look?"

"Oh boy, she looked VERY angry!"

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further.

Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?"

"She was watching us through the window."

 

That is what she said!