Okay time to liven things up a bit with some jokes!

Flight #888 just took off and the pilot, an Israeli, set up the autopilot.

His co-pilot, a Chinese, just has finished his check-list.

Silence in the cockpit.

Suddenly the pilot told to his co-pilot: "I don't like Chinese."

Surprised co-pilot: "Why?"

Pilot: "Chinese attacked Pearl-Harbor"

Co-Pilot with increased volume: "No Sir, that was the Japanese!"

Pilot: "Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese all the same"

Silence in the cockpit.

Suddenly the co-pilot told to his pilot: "I don't like Jews."

Surprised pilot: "Why?"

Co-pilot: "Jews sunk Titanic"

Pilot with increased volume:"No, that was an iceberg!"

Co-pilot: "Iceberg, Steinberg, Goldberg all the same"

 

That was good!

 

A sergeant was passing the barracks after lights out, when he heard some voices from inside. He slammed open the door, and shouted: Listen up, you knuckleheads! A few minutes ago, you all heard me say "good night". Evidently some of you don't understand that "Good Night," means "Shut the fuck up!!!"

The room instantly fell silent. But after a few seconds, a small voice could be heard from somewhere in the far back of the dark room:

"Good Night, Sergeant"

 

A cruise ship going through some rough waters and ended up sinking just off the coast of a small deserted island. There were only three survivors - two men and a woman.

The three lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women.

After several years of casual sex all the time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both guys was so bad that she killed herself.

It was very tragic, but the two guys managed to get through it and, after a while, nature once more took it's inevitable course.

Well, a couple more years went by and the guys began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.

So...

They buried her.

 

Beer Goggles

Beer Goggles

 

From our UK friends...

A blonde gets a job as a teacher.
She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
'You ok?' she says.
'Yes.' he says.
'You can go and play with the other kids you know.' she says.
'It's best I stay here.' he says.
'Why?' says the blonde.
The boy says: 'Because, I'm the goalie'

----

A medical professor was lecturing his 1st year students about 'Involuntary Muscle Contractions'. To liven up the lesson he asked one of the female students "For example, do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?" She replies " Probably having a drink with his mates"



-jim

 

Borrowed from a movie, not sure if it was posted already...


A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest are walking together and pass by a choir boy who is bent over tying his shoe.

The Priest turns to the Rabbi and says, "Man, would I like to screw that kid".

The Rabbi turns to the Priest with a confused look on his face and says, "Outa' what?"

 

Of course not Mongo!

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems,

so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of your energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs , "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the asshole, "Because I'm responsible for waste
removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the Asshole and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood Was toxic. They all decided that the asshole should be the boss


The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work...

The asshole is usually in charge

 

Subject: Involuntary Muscular Contractions....

A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary
Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical
students. Realizing that this was not the mostriveting
subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood
slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and
said,

"Do you know what your ass hole is doing while
you're having an orgasm?"




She replied,


"Probably deer hunting with his buddies."

The professor laughed so hard he could not continue with the
lecture

 

Repost:this thread on post 1266
:tut:

 

Presidential Breakfast...

Breakfast at the White House

Dick Cheney and George W Bush are having breakfast at the White House.

The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he Replies,
'I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit.'

'And what can I get for you, Mr President?', the waitress asks.

George W looks up from his menu and replies with his trademark wink and slight grin,
'How about a quickie this morning?'

'Why, Mr President!' the waitress exclaims, 'How rude! You're starting to act like
President Clinton' and she storms away.

Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers . . .

'It's pronounced 'quiche.'

 

And then the fight started

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3
Seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
Expensive... So, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started...

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
Order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold
Cream.
And then the fight started....

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her
Not as much as the dress she wore yesterday
And then the fight started.....

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? "
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were
In bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started....

 

[FONT=ARIAL,HELVETICAL]A guy checked into a hotel and said to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."

"No," she said, "it's regular porn, you sick bastard." [/FONT]

 

Four worms and a lesson to be learned!!!!

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead


Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation -
What did you learn from this demonstration???
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'



That pretty much ended the service --

 

My grandmother died in the 50s, but her birthday is coming up, and that
always causes me to reminisce. The long walks we used to take to the store
in town, the quarters she gave me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds
or washing the sidewalk...

Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the
crown of grandmotherly advice, occurred when I was only about 13. We were
sitting in a park having just finished collecting some 40 soda bottles for
the deposit money on a beautiful spring day.

She told me that one day, I would find a wonderful woman and start my own
family. 'And always remember this thing,' she said. 'Be sure you marry a
woman with small hands.'

'How come, Grandma?' I asked her.

She answered in her soft Newfoundland voice.

'Makes your dick seem bigger.'

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it...

 

If Grandma had nuts

We would've called her Grandpa

 

Huh? Here you thought your wife didn't like to have sex with you because you both were old! Sorry Rick...I had to man...you opened yourself up to this one.

 

An old girlfriend sent that one to me.

 

Gay guy goes to get a tattoo on his dick.Tattoo artist says what kind of tattoo?Gay guy says I want a tattoo of a truck on it.Tattoo artist says what kind of truck?Gay guy says you better make a 4x4 cause it's gonna get muddy!

 

Harley joke-

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died
and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man
and
your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang
out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang
out
with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who
invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? '
Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's
pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a
road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't
you the inventor of woman?'

[]
God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major
design flaws in your invention !

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension


[] []

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds

[]
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much

[]

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!

[]

'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'
God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and
waited
for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur,
'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than
yours'.