Marriage question

{my long, painful experience omitted} Here's what you need to know...

See if you can find a copy of The System, by Doc Lov. Link, it's not available on amazon.
Sounds like a joke. It's not.

Steve

 

OK, not sure if this was mentioned... and I do not know the laws in your state... but..

I would cancel ALL joint credit cards ASAP...

Drain the joint checking and savings... find a good hiding spot for all the money..

Anything of value that YOU value, get out of there.. motorcycles and / or cars with titles need to get transferred to a trustworthy pal's name, sell them to him for $5.00 each with a bill of sale... Make a side agreement to buy them back for $50.00 each... or something like that... Be sure you trust that guy..!

Do NOT touch anything she would own, like jewelry, etc...

Unless you want to give her all YOUR stuff or get made to sell your stuff and split the $$$...

>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I have seen instances where the gal runs up ALL the credit cards to max, and then ends up with HIM getting the bills in the divorce.. And the first one to drain the bank accounts usually wins..

Caveat... check with a Lawyer first... none of the above may help you in some states...

Good Luck in the future...

 

The sad fact of reality is that men are the true romantics. Women do not have that capability. When's the last time you saw a woman do something romantic? They only want to be on the receiving end.

Chin up, find something worthwhile to invest your time and energy into instead.

 

I hate to break it to you, but you need to snap out of it. You are being used and abused. Its long past the time where you need to go your own way. She has clearly gone her own way. IMO the only reason she hasn't filed is because you are paying her not too. You cut off that allowance and I would bet you get served papers the next day.

You should be glad you read this thread. It should bring clarity to your situation. It should also help you deal with it mentally. Its not your fault she left as you obviously care.

 

She may not be cheating, but if she's isn't (or hasn't) she's looking for another gig while keeping you on the hook as a safety measure. You have to draw a line.
This is classic behavior. You need to talk to a professional to get some insight into what you're dealing with. Doesn't sound like she's into a two-way conversation.
Sorry for your troubles.

 

I've been down this road myself, so I feel for you. Bottom line is there's another guy and they are messing around at the minimum. Women in non-abusive marriages generally don't jump ship without a life raft. My now ex pulled the same act and eventually admitted to everything I suspected. After some time passed she told some of our mutual friends that it was all a huge mistake and wished we were together. Life goes on, so do what you have to and don't look back.

 

Most seem to be assuming that she's already sleeping with the other guy. It's possible that she wants some "space" to decide if she wants to take it to the next level with the other guy. She may have feelings for the other guy but not have acted on it yet. Of course, it probably doesn't make a difference to how lousy you feel now, but if by any chance you guys manage to salvage the marriage, it might make a difference to how you look at her once you get her back.

 

A woman will not leave you unless she has already found someone else.

 

That's not the only reason they leave.

 

He didn't say reason. Its a condition, though I don't completely agree. They may not have somebody else specifically, but they usually try the waters before they leave. They want to be sure there's another bus coming along before they disembark.

 

I think shes already decided Papa. Women need security and as another posted, they don't jump ship without another lifeboat.

 

I would say if the only thing she did was ask for space you might be correct. They fact that she asked for space, has stopped having sex with him for some time now AND is hitting the gym to make herself attractive again for someone else.....there's too many red flags to be that naive.

 

I tend to agree with this. A few days, maybe even a week, but 10 months..?

 

Glenn:

Try these marriage advice and infidelity-oriented links:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/


http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?fid=2




Good luck!

 

man, and I thought I was cynical... (directed at the general responses to this thread, not anyone in particular)

Glenn,

I covered the basics of my situation in the PM i sent you, but there's a lot more to the story if you want to hear the whole ordeal. I don't agree with everything that's been said, but then there's some good advice thrown in as well.

"I need space" doesn't always mean she's cheating.

avoid boozing. Try to find something that distracts you. I started running more.

there is no "right" way for you to react to this, because it probably really is about HER, and not about you. All you can do is be supportive without being smothering.

Counseling is as useful or as useless as each of you wants it to be. Splitting up is a choice, but so is staying together and working things out. If you want to stay together, then make sure SHE is the one who decides to leave. Don't let her indecision ("i need space") push you to the point where YOU are the one leaving.

and lastly, regardless of how things end up, it all gets better eventually. You'll be happy again with or without her.

 

Enough with the monkey branching bullshit. If she was in the military, she is self sufficient, likely in many ways a lot of people are not. They were very, very young when they married, younger so when they caught each others eye. Living up to the dreams of young love is a tough road to hoe. Glenn I don't know if you and your beloved ought to be or will be together, and neither does anyone else. Maybe it is best that you shared this part of your lives together and move on, maybe this anguishing patch will be something you both look back on together as a beneficial bump in the road in retrospect. Regardless, be true to yourself, do or do not do whatever it is, as the case may be, to come through this intact, and consistent with the tenets of who you are. And fuck whatever anyone else says. Be well.

 

i'll just say this... i started "dating" girls at a VERY young age, encouraged by having an older brother i hung out with i guess, among other reasons... but i WILL say... my game was pretty decent all thru middle school and high school, but in college i started reading Doc Love's weekly columns religiously and it elevated my understanding of anticipating human behavior and playing dating like a game of chess immensely.

the one thing i don't necessarily agree with about Doc Love's whole approach, is that i feel like it works best and is suited most for the dating game, and the beginning stages of relationships, but not the long term. if you wanna play the field, i think its AMAZING. like every dude should read it. but after like 2 years, i feel like a lot of the "positions" you can take in certain instances, or ways you can play things will be negated cause the girl will know everything about you, and she'll see it happening the 2nd or 3rd time around. just my take. its worth a read tho, changed my life, mostly for the better.

on the main theme of this thread... i like all these other dudes, similar story. no cheating, and i wasn't married, but long relationship, thought it was finally the one after all these years of saying i'd never ever get married, knew her since i was 14 and ended up getting together like 14 years later after always kind of wanting her, her kid loved me to death (from being married previously), yada yada... gave me the "its not you its me, i just need to find myself, i need space" shit, and that was that. she's a dumb bitch, and a perpetual self-ruiner, so her bad, not mine, fuck her. but i also did the zombie thing for a good 6-8 months and fucked a bunch of bitches that were AWFUL and stupid while in a haze of emptiness. back to normal now tho, we'll see what comes. but like others have said, you can't fix a bitch that doesn't wanna be fixed.

 

The only thing I know about women is I don't know anything about them. I wish I was as knowledgeable about them as all these folks on here who are able to make absolute statements about what they'd do, what they won't ever do and what motivates them, but sadly I'm not.

My experience has been that if you've got a wiener you're going to be at a disadvantage in a divorce. I tried arguing that it was a really tiny wiener but it didn't help. It was still a wiener, and therefore a liability.

My lawyer advised me that I was in a "strong" position (which effectively meant I'd only be "mostly" screwed), because my wiener was clean. Evidently if I'd gotten it dirty I'd be in a weak position in which case I'd be "completely" screwed. It's all about the wiener, evidently.

I don't understand women at all. However, I've heard the "some space" speech many times over the years. I've never heard it without eventually finding some other dude occupying that space in short order. Personally I'm not aware of any of my buddies who've heard the "some space" speech where the relationship firmed back up into anything long-term. I'd be interested in hearing about it just from a curiosity standpoint at this point.

 

I think the "some space" speech means they are trying to let you down easy. (Or keep a safety blanket.) Doesn't mean they are mean or bad people, just that it's not working for them. Maybe they can't face what they are doing themselves. Nobody thinks they are a bad person.

After this thread I went and did some research. All deference to Yzasserina, but the basic studies pointed out the different reasons most common for cheating in men and women. Men = sex, women = emotional attachment. This was for otherwise happy relationships.

So women start "talking" with a friend. You know, sharing, etc. Might be innocent enough at first. And I'm suuuuure the other guy is just there for the emotional catharsis. Cause you know guys and girls are always friends and never have any ulterior motives.

So eventually the emotional transference happens and the woman decides life would be better with the other guy. Once that's done, you aren't gonna fix it. She's fallen for the Bigger and Better Deal (BBD), Grass Is Always Greener (GIAG), Just A Friend (JAF). You require work. The new, fresh relationship doesn't. It's not exciting with you. But that new guy....she probably hasn't seen him taking a dump, or any other less socially acceptable behavior.

Maybe you are a jerk. Maybe not. Doesn't matter. You can chase her. But she's moved on.

As for "Monkey Branching" as described here. Yeah, there are plenty of women who are self sufficient and can be alone with no problem. But guess what? There are a lot more who can't. Who need that safety net before they move on. Probably not intentional, but it happens.