Tough Love for Your Kids

Anybody here in a situation where you have to show tough love to your kid? Whether it involves a car? Rent? Bills? Etc?

Here's a short story. Your comments/thoughts are welcome.

First, if you ever think about buying your oldest kid a car, make sure that you can do the same for your younger kid(s) because if you don't you will be labeled as loving the oldest one more, they are your favorite, blah blah blah, etc. When my oldest daughter was 16 I bought her a car. Don't know what I was thinking but I was able to do so and knew she would love it. Both daughters were living out of state with grandparents and constantly getting grief for wanting to go places and having to be taken there. So, as I said I was able to buy a car for the oldest so she could get herself (and her sister) around without the BS from the grandparents. This car was a "gift".

Fast forward about two years. Little sister borrows the car and is involved in a major crash. Hit from behind by a log truck then head on into a pickup truck. Needless to say, the car is totaled. Big time. Big sister goes without a car for about nine months. She asks me at that point to help her get a loan for a car. So, somewhat reluctantly I go buy another car for her with a relatively low payment. Get a loan, get a car, same difference. I could not afford to go drop money on a "beater" car so had to finance. Over the last four years she has made maybe a handful of payments. I have made comments to her about making the payments or I would take the car back. She has said on several occasions "Take it". She has also stated to myself and others that she did not tell me or ask me to get her that car. So she pretty much has a "I don't care attitude". I think she thinks I won't take it.

So, since I am still unemployed and can't really afford to make the payments anymore, and shouldn't be making payments on a car for a 25 year old, I informed her last night that she needed to get the car repaired from where someone backed into it last month and get the car cleaned up inside and out so that I can sell it. I informed her of the payoff if she wants to secure a loan to pay it off. Either way, the car will go up for sale. After all, she didn't ask me to get her that car so I am way past due with my actions here. I should have done this a long time ago I guess.

Am I wrong for doing this or thinking this way?

 

Nope, you're right. Sell the car and consider it a learning experience.

 

25yrs old and youre making her car payments? Are you taking applications for kids? Cuz I have a few payments you could make.

 

no youre not wrong for thinking this, at age 25 she should be able to provide for herself. pics would help us decide

 

She's young and self centered. That's basically any person that age.

As your daughter she should understand with you being out of work. If she doesn't then she's being incredibly self centered beyond reason. I know it happens. But she needs to grow up.

Sell the car. She will complain, throw a fit, cal you names, etc. In the end, she's 25. She should be paying for her own ca by now.

 

I'm with Dave.

 

I'm with Derick

 

+1 on the kid applications

My parents bought/leased my cars while I was in high school and college. My graduation gift from college was buying my beater truck. Self-motivation has to start some time.

 

She should have been paying for it the last 7 Years IMO.... I know both of mine will be when 18...

 

First, I admire you for doing so much for your kids. I don't think you need to do the "tough love" thing. Just explain that you can no longer afford to make the payments, not that you don't want to. If she needs the car then she'll have to pay for it. If not you have no choice but to sell. Maybe she will realize that dad loves her and was trying to do something nice but now she needs to step up to the plate.

 

HA! Yeah many of her friends have asked if I could be their dad too. LOL!

Somehow I knew the request for pics would come up in this thread. Perhaps you don't know me and certainly not her. Her pic would kick your ass!

That's kind of what I was thinking. Thanks.

 

What everyone else said. Also, you might consider just taking the car as is because I really don't see her fixing it up before she turns it over to you. But that's just my gut feeling.

 

Yeah dont wait around on her to get it fixed up, doubtful that will happen. Just give her a date that youll be taking possession of the car so she can have her things out. Tough situation and it sucks but shes gotta learn sometime.

 

Since she hasnt paid for the car, my guess is that she's not going to pay to get it fixed. Just get it over with. Consider it lesson learned on both sides

 

Thanks. I do what I can. I have explained all of that to her and I think she just thinks I won't do it because of my credit. Well I would rather lose a car than my house. And yes, I have been being nice but at 25, yes she needs to grab a bat. I warned both of them when I lost my job that this might be coming.

The first car was a gift. And yes, I agree she probably should have been paying since she was 18. Especially since she did not go to college and had a kid. If she had stayed in school then that's incentive to keep the free ride. You want to play grown up? Well welcome to reality.

I got a 12 year old car from my step mom and my dad when I started my senior year. My dad got the insurance started for me and the rest was on me.

 

Tough call, helping my Dad through kind of the same thing with my little brother.

There comes a time when you have to let them fix their own mistakes. My Dad is there with my little bro. He has bailed him out of trouble for too long and my brother hasnt learned anything from it because he's always been helped out. Now he's in some sorta serious trouble over a warrant and driving on revocation. He's going to lose his job as well as several thousand dollars. I finally talked my Dad into letting my brother clean up his own mess this time. I told him when I went to jail (20 years ago) on a traffic warrant he didnt bail me out, didnt pay my fines or anything... he hung up the phone when I called him to bail me out. When I got out he told me "Told ya that was going to happen dumbass". I never went back, always took care of business and havent even got a speeding ticket since.

Sometimes you gotta call your kid a dumbass and let them fend for themselves. Otherwise they learn nothing from their mistakes.

 

I'm with Dave & Joe. Can't put off the inevitable forever. DON'T feel guilty. Life is rarely nice & tidy especially in these economic times.

 

Sounds like the crash that totaled the first car was not little sister's fault. Did insurance not pay for the first car? If so, what happened to that money?