Nightmare employee

Alright gents ... Here's the thread. What's the worst employee story you've got? As the head of HR for a multi-site company that started off in a staffing firm in college, I'm pretty certain I can run with any of you. I'll lob an easy one up there for starters ... Had to coach an employee on proper bathroom usage since he liked to cross-dress on his off-time.

Your turn.

 

I had a guy put a zip tie around his neck and snug it up tight.

 

How much did you want to leave it in place?

 

Stupid hurts.

 

Was his dick also out?

Maybe you should have knocked before entering...

 

At the staffing firm, I had a woman come register for finance positions. Interestingly, nothing was marked on her app regarding her conviction record ... Turned out she had just finished serving time for bank robbery in TX.

 

Had a guy who wouldn't bath, do laundry, iron his clothes, perform the programming tasks given, or generally do anything useful for other managers.

Was my first year in the job (Scientist. Yes, that was my title. I loved that job for the title alone. Nice icebreaker when picking up chicks.) He was a senior with several years of experience and a degree from Carnegie Mellon. Within a month of being tasked with overseeing him I had him reporting to me every couple of hours with his task progress. And going by his office several times a day (with a clothspin on my nose) to check that he was working. I got him moving. He finally got fired a year later when working for somebody else.

 

More than you could imagine. He might have been the one who got his fingers caught in the paper shredder.

 

Counseling employees on hygiene pretty well stinks.

 

Ugggg. This is almost too painful to think about. I've had nail-clippers, farters, chronically late, a garlic eater and some just plain crazy. I even have a guy who refuses to wear socks. I think the incompetent are easier to deal with than the loonies.

 

I see what you did there.

 

And with a name like funk....

 

I worked with a dude that stapled his thumb to a 2x4. Another one who shot his donger straight through with a brad nailer. The other one takes the cake. He decided to brush the saw dust off of a shaper. The last of four cutting heads was concealed by the sawdust. He made three complete swipes before he even realized it was removing finger parts every time he swiped.

 

Chronically late? Eff dat!!!

I trained my boss in the first two weeks. He kept trying to have 9am meetings. I kept showing up around 10. He finally started asking if he could have one meeting that early. I told him it had better not happen often. I'm much happier with my late morning arrival and working in the evenings.

And yes, I am the tech nerd they look to for fixing problems and making shit work. I like being a tech nerd.

 

I had one who refused to wear a mask when painting the inside of shipping containers with some uber nasty paint. Had one guy who completely blew out the crotch of his pants at least 4 times while not wearing draws. One guy who drove the riding tractor into a pond because he was tripping balls and wanted to drive through the butterflies. One who drove the yard truck between the warehouses with the trailer on fire.

I've had a lot of idiots.

 

Many years ago, upon request my employer added a "C++ expert!" to my team, to help with a large amount of menial but time-consuming code. I gave him his tasks and got all the right answers to my queries, and sent him on his way... After not hearing from him for a couple days (worked in separate buildings) and seeing he had only checked out one module of code, I went over to his building to see what was up. Well, he was on the floor, highlighter in hand, reading hundreds of pages of code he'd printed on a dot matrix printer. This was his idea of "checking out a module." I threw up my hands and said, "&*^$ it, I'll do it myself."

 

I had a 300# lesbian throw my best line cook (small dude, mouthy) down on his back in the middle of the kitchen, sit on him, pull out one enormous breast and tit-whip the guy until he screamed. Told him if he ever fucked with her again he'd get "both barrels."

Yeah.

I'll never forget that sound. Splat. Splat.

It was awesome. Terrifying. But awesome.

Beat that.

 

At least once a year I have to decline an FMLA request because someone doesn't understand "incarceration" isn't a covered medical condition.

Say it with me boys "strip clubs do not go on your expense reports.."

Hygiene story-OK... Ladies here are your paint scrapers, tyvek suits, masks, and goggles. If you need training on how scrape your used tampons off the bathroom ceiling, call maintenance.

Last but not least.. "Company cars are not to be used in any forms of competition. You may not take them to the drag strip."

 

WHAT...... yes they do

 

When you see a DirecTv van on the track at big willow running sub 1:45's you will know I am on my way out the door and this was my "F it. I'm out"

I think I am more curious about my van laptimes than just about anything on the planet. I think it takes a couple of corners, in my daily canyon drive to work, better than my SV. The front pushes just enough to not need brakes.