Can't get him out of my mind!?!

Preface: I see that y'all have moved to lighter conversation, but I wanted to share some responses to what I have read. Thanks.

My humble opinions:

Persons who are hurting, especially from circumstances beyond their control, have every right to feel sorry for themselves. I would hope for those people that they are not consumed by their self-pity, but rather use it as a short-termed indulgence when they need to.

Persons who survive incidents that claim others have every right to feel survivor's guilt. That's why there's even a phrase for the concept. Again, I would hope that people are not consumed by such feelings, but rather experience them and allow them to pass, as those persons grow in this process.

Persons that are involved in a situation like this one (and this statement is not my opinion; it is fact) are bound to feel a whole host of feelings, some of them not even socially acceptable. My hope is that persons have or get the resources they need to cope with what is surely a trying range of emotions.

thane

 

I've followed the updates about Papa intently since I got the news but haven't posted because I didn't have anything to add that hadn't been covered by someone else (usually more eloquently than myself). Papa pissed me off. Just about every time he and I had an exchange I would end up angry because I can't stand it when someone trumps me in an intellectual discussion. But I still read and I still wrote (although most of it got deleted since my anger reduces my vocabulary to a level that would have been mere fodder for Papa).

And now Papa is suffering my worst nightmare. I guess I never realised how much I liked him because he was pissing me off. I was still in shock over Richard's crash at Roebling so the news hit me pretty hard. I guess in my own way I grieved for Papa and Richard. Not because I expected their conditions to worsen but because they've both experienced a change in life that may never allow them to enjoy life the way they have to this point. Growing up has made me value health and happiness.

But Papa merely brushed my life and to his credit left quite a mark. Papa's family members and loved ones must be beside themselves. I've been down this road before within my family and I really feel for those closest to him. I'm not going to tell you how to get back to normal because I don't think it ever happens when tragedy comes into your life. As time has put distance between my life today and the tragedies past, I've come to accept the changes and they no longer dominate my quiet moments. I hope this happens for all of you too.

For Papa, I'm sure you've considered your situation, the medical opinions, and the rest of your life. I hope all your goals and dreams come true.

 

You are not alone Brad.

Every day I walk through the garage to go into or come out of the house. I walk past my bikes as if they were not there. I haven't touched any of them except to move them to my new place. My dirt bike gear is still caked in mud. I used to eat sleep and breath motorcycles, now my life feels so empty without them. It's not very encouraging or comforting I know, but I can't think of anything else to say right now.

 

thanks guo. i will ride in anger again. it's just that i have no spark at the moment. i know that papa wants us too.

 

hittin' tha sauce tonight mongo?

 

you all suck! --Mongo.

Ahh, I get it; we're back to porn, then.

thane

 

new here

I too am new here and have been reading the posts concerning papa.. I met papa a few years ago and he has such a magnatic personallity I have never forgotten him...


For lisa, I have never met you, but please realize that while Papa has it 200% rougher than you, you still need to realize that you are entitled to break down..

I know in a few posts you spoke about having plans to get married..and have to put that on hold for now....I give applause to you and papa for your strength in love..

I hope to see pictures of your wedding day...God bless you and papa..

 

Thanks. Papa and I talked about the marriage thing and he's the one ready to jump forward with it now. Course it might be because I scratch his head since he can't and he says he's say yes to anything I ask while I'm scratching. I'm not sure what to ask for next : the Lightning truck or new boobs.

Seriously though, thanks for the thoughts. Actually things are going great considering. Papa's spirits are up, marriage plans are in the works and I AM driving the Lightning now. Who could ask for more?

 

Could someone post or email offlist exactly where Papa Thiam is at medically speaking? I am 4 days out og the hospital myself and I tried to go through the original thread to find out but between pain and the meds didn't have the patience or couldn't find out.

I was up to 400 or so posts when things changed over and my id got wiped out, so no, I have never met Papa but we did exchange a few replies and I read many of his posts and threads. Thanks.

 

MAD AS HELL...

... AT ALL OF YOU!

As weird as it seems, I agree with both Powers and Brad. Brad, in his own charming (?) way, says he can't race because Papa is on his mind. Powers says stop beating ourselves on trying to figure out if it was destiny, pre-ordained, §h!t happens or G0D's will (be he/she The Ominpotent Stomper or The Cosmic Muffin). Liz says treat Papa the way you've always teated him. Thane, bless him, gives another rational dissertation. Guo echoes Brad's thoughts, Dutch echoes Powers. Et ceterea, et cetera, et cetera...

Well, I've got news for all of you... YOU ALL SUCK! You need to know why?

- Brad and Guo - because I have those same thoughts.
- Powers - because I tried to rationalize the way you did.
- Liz - because I treated Papa differently when we visited him instead of giving him §h!t.
- Thane - because you're too f()cking rational.
- Dutch - just because.

When things go well, it's because the racers and the officials all did a damn good job. When it all goes does the shitter, as it did with Papa, it's MY fault. Why? Because I was the one in charge. No excuses, explinations or rationalizations offered.

I've had to deal with worst-case scenarios at the track, although I acted as an underling, not as race director. I take them all personally. For each of them, I asked myself what I could have done to avoid the situation. Even if I were able to tell some one to just back off just a bit so they wouldn't be in a pack when the crash occurred, or pick up a wall and move it or move the bars of the rider who has fixated on the crash in front of them. Something. Anything.

Nothing works. It always plays out the same. Just like it does with Papa. Damnit.

I've dealt with a number of things away from the track. Beaten and starved 2-year olds, a woman who had been doused with gasoline and set on fire, an 8-year old whose aorta was severed when he jumped between his dying mother and her attacker, suicides on Chrstmas day, the kid playing with daddy's gun, the junkies that died of a hotshot, drunks riding Harleys into trees, AIDS patients puking on me, the guy shot in the nuts by his lover's husband. There was always something to focus on: getting the goods on the bastard responsible and making sure they got a fair trial and a proper hanging.

Not now.

I do not know Papa as well as some of you. I knew him better than any of those who are no longer with us. A lot has gone out of me since the first one. A lot more has left since the Papa crash. Enough to really make me wonder why......

Been having these thoughts since about 3:15 PM on 6-9-02. Had them buried deep enough that I could sleep most nights. It's all back on the surface.

 

Re: MAD AS HELL...

George: I don't know what to say except wow. I don't know you very well, but I can say,without a single doubt, that it's not your fault. Period.

The officials, corner workers, race director, everyone can do all they can to make racing safer for all of us...up until a point. When the rider gets on their bike and out on the track, it's in their hands--nobody else's. You can't tell a rider not to ride over their head, or not to pass so agressively...you should know that as a racer. When we get out there we make our own choices, our own decisions, and nothing anyone can say will change that.

We each take a responsibility going out on the track. Right now, I don't want to race. Why? Because my head is pretty messed up...but instead, I am doing a track day because I have to get back on the bike. I have to understand WHY it is that we all choose to be in this sport. I need to understand that right now.

You did the very best you could that day, as did all of the cornerworkers, the EMTs, etc. You ALWAYS do the very best, and that is why I choose to run your events, and shy away from others. WERA has always been safer in my perspective, and now that I've worked "behind the scenes," I truly see the care and concern for OUR safety that each and every one of you puts into your jobs. You cannot beat yourself up. Papa would kill you if he knew you felt like this...heck, he'd kick all of our asses!

You run a hell of a ship, George, and everyone knows that. It's time to look at that and know that you did the best job you could. Now, as racers, it's time for us to put our thinking caps on a lot more when we race, and it's time to start doing things to make a change.

 

Hey George...you know what? You suck!

You're a police lieut. capt., right? How many times have you had to take a young officer aside after securing a particular gruesome crime scene or crash? To put your arm on his shoulder; make a joke out of the situation to relieve the tension; to say get over it, it's your job? Come on, dude, you know the drill.

Of course I haven't seen quite as much as you have (and, no offense, but as for that puking-on, I'll have to use the Marine Corps motto of better you than me ) I, too, have seen close up and personal sights that will be with me forever. A two-month-old baby dead in the arms of a firefighter as his agonizing dad screamed forgiveness for falling asleep at the wheel. An elderly man's head lying in the back seat of his car after running up under a stopped flatbed. Bodies from a crash and burn plane wreck that I won't go into cause this is July 4th and I'm gonna eat some barbecue. And on and on and on.

But let's face facts, that two-month-old baby and the starved two-year-old you saw are just as innocent and un-deserving as what happened to them as Papa is for what has happened to him.

I think what has happened here with your post is that you have reached a point that you have probably successfully suppressed a dozen times in your police career...for the benefit of your squad and fellow officers. You maintained your superficial composure then in your inherent sense of professionalism. As a high-ranking officer, you have to maintain composure even moreso than your officers. However, being a part-time race official for WERA or CCS is different. It isn't your main livelihood, it doesn't quite have the same level of macho-ness as front-line police duties. Instead, the racing community and the riders you oversee are family members in a way that you can let that superficial toughness crack at times, as with your post.

You know police officers have a duty, but when you kissed Papa's forehead at the sight you probably said to yourself, "This is Papa's hobby, for crying out loud! He doesn't deserve this!" The reason you are so mad is because you are truly such a great guy. Teddy Bear CORCer and all. You even "rescued" my tape recorder and gave it back to me at a crash site at VIR. Lord knows what you would do to help the condition of one of the riders on your track. All the safety officials in the world could not have stopped what happened. Sh$T happens...safety measures are great and definitely should always be at the forefront, but NO SYSTEM for anything is entirely perfect.

I have seen you in action at crash sites, in the control tower, on hot pit lanes, and conducting riders' meetings. I think I'm a pretty good judge of leadership and professional character and, dude, you are a rare gem that WERA or whoever are lucky to have! You have nothing to feel guilty of...you have nothing to be ashamed of...you and I KNOW you did your best. This is just one of those situations that was out of everybody's hands.

And as for the cosmic or metaphysical implications of your post, think about this, if you see yourself drifting off any abyss of jaded, cynical nothingless. Have you ever met anyone with the combined level of high intelligence, sharp wit, inherent personal honor, and...well, just sheer brilliance than Papa? I haven't. You know what I think? Perhaps God, who created and gave Papa such a gifted intellect, sacrificed Papa's legs and arms for a higher calling. Think of it? What better spokesperson could there be for all those people in the same predicament? I see Papa getting some use of his arms and fingers back. Or at least, enough physical ability to be able to compose a book. A book on all the implications for what it is like for a brilliant mind and a need for speed to be trapped in a wheelchair. I see Papa's future as a huge, awesome, guiding light of strength, compassion, and wisdom for not only those in his same situation, but for those of us who look the other way when we see someone in a wheel chair. I know atheists and agnostics will say this is a silly rationalization, but I see it as an evolving plan of the universal scheme of things that none of us in this life is allowed to fully understand.

If that is the case -- and an atheist can no more say that's bogus than I can say that it's for sure -- then NOTHING you could have done that day would have changed things. If anything, God had one of the truest and nicest individuals on earth to be there at that moment to put that kiss of compassion on Papa's forehead. (Not that Papa wouldn't have preferred Tyra Banks, of course )

So, dude, fix you up one of them mean, big-assed hamburgers on the backyard grill. Drink a few Coronas for me. And remember, you were there for a reason and what happened was for a reason. You are a great dude and one way I KNOW this is because of your post!

BTW, that dude that got shot in the nuts...come on, you know he deserved it!

 

George - yup. Never goes totally away does it? This one I'm lucky on, no pics in my head. Others I'm not so lucky. It's worse when it's a friend, much, much worse.

Bruce - you're totally right. And tomorrow I'll have a cold one while Papa is stuck in rehab unable to move. And at some point I'll have tears in my eyes remembering that fact. And then Friday I'll drive to Road A and pray for a safe weekend and that I don't have another firend hurt. And then I'll bum a beer form Tom, cuz life may seriously suck some days but it does go on.

I hate crying.

 

If its any consolation to Sean and George

I give Papa enough shit for both of you...

 

Yo, Bruce and Laura!

Thanks for that "YOU SUCK." Makes me feel a tad better. Kinda like the time the Sergeant chewed my a§§ for whining about what I saw and not doing the paperwork.

Never wore a "white shirt" on the job. Seems like I always forgot to put on the knee pads when it was time for the oral interviews before the promotion board.

I was the schmuck who drove like an ass to get there and try to figure it all out. Thought I got away from that when I left the PD after 29 years. Yeah, right... A week later I'm pushing paper for the County Detective Bureau and doing the stand-by bit every 6 weeks as a crime scene type. The Homicide guys got to talk to the "do-er" yesterday inside the local PD's air-conditioned HQ while I was taking measurements in the baking apartment with the corpse. Oh, did I tell you that she killed the guy 2 months ago and stuffed him in a closet? And that it was 90+ for the 3rd straight day?

LAG: It's all a facade. Or experience in knowing someone has to at least look like they are in control when the feces hits the air circulating device. Ask Mrs RD how well I sleep(HA!) on Friday nights at the track. And you thought I was just a miserable person?... it's due to lack of sleep and running out of Rolaids!

I did offer an excuse one time for being miserable. It was the Saturday after spending the night at the hospital in Winchester VA after my daughter was in an accident on the way to the track.

 

Re: If its any consolation to Sean and George

 

Re: Yo, Bruce and Laura!

Man, I thought MY closet was nasty!