Can't get him out of my mind!?!

this past weekend i went riding at kershaw for the first time in 9 months. all i kept thinking about was papa. how can i ride while he is there dealing with this? i wake up every day and check the BBS for some revelation or someone proclaiming a sick joke. i hate it!! every day Deanna and I pray for papa, and every day the same. i wish i could take his place. i am so angry and cynical, and papa is so strong. why not me? i ask. i hate it!! i feel like i am losing my mind. i am angry with God. I am angry with everyone! Why? Why? Why? Why would papa be dealing with this when i can think of 15 bastards off the top of my head who deserve it more?!?!?!! i'm mad folks and i can't fuc*&ingf take it any more. i love you papa, and i feel helpless!!

 

Brad, sometimes things happen not to the ones who couldnt handle it, but to the ones that can. This has adverse effects to the ones that know that couldnt handle it.

Just keep your chin up, everything in life will affect you one way or another. It is up to you to choose how it affects you. Papa had a life changing event that we all know is a possibility to happen to us, how would you think he would really feel if he knew his tradegy caused a negative impact on the ones he cares most?

 

Brad, i'm angry too, but i'm trying to control it. Just don't let your anger overcome you.

 

BW, I know how you feel, but I don't think "Why somebody else," I just keep thinking "Why?" and there is no answer.
After 3 1/2 years off for medical problems I was just about to get back on the bike, but I had some reservations: I have a fiance coming from overseas, and I plan on adopting her son. I kept thinking "If I get injured, they're screwed."

Then Papa got hurt, and it really took the wind out of my sails. I never met him in person but I'm checking in here all day every day for reports.

I don't know what to make of it, other than to pray for him. I used to think I was bullet-proof, especially after conquering two potentially-terminal medical problems... this sure shook me up.

 

As tragic as this is I have lost so many friends to car accidents with drunk drivers and other just stupid things that just eat you alive. I just lost a life long friend because he lives in butt fuck Wyoming and they cannot figure out if you have a cold. Unfortunatly this situation is a reality of our sport and other extream activities. Given the choice I hope I go doing something I love as much as Papa loved racing.
This situation has effected me alot. I was at Loudon this weekend and it was raining. For the first time in my life I was scared to ride. I did anyway. It was my choice and I accept it.
Papas situation is reality and we can only support him and his family. I pray that he will have the ability to adapt to his new life. He has Lisa who has almost brought me to tears. I hope at a minimum he is able to use his computer effectivly. I think his possitive attitude will inspire him to do great things in the future. I wish him and Lisa all the very best.
It is OK to be angry Brad. It is natural and part of the process. But just make sure you never forget about it and use it to appriciate life everyday you wake up.

Thanks for this forum so that I can express my thoughts.

 

Brad, I know how you feel. I don't know which emotion consumes me more; anger, sadness, bitterness, guilt or grief. I want to scream and shout and how this could possibly happen to someone who genuinely cares about others, someone so ALIVE. Someone who always strives to learn more, teach more and share more. Someone so not deserving of this. I have begged God to let me trade places with him. Then I'm sad again over what Papa must be going through and then I'm bitter because I didn't even get to marry the man I love before something shitty happened to us. Something that will change who we are and all the goals we had for ourselves as a married couple. Then I feel like if Papa hadn't met me none of this would've happened. Bad things always happen to me from the time I was a child and I somehow feel like I jinxed him. I can't understand why it couldn't happen to me instead. Why couldn't it be reversed. Papa doesn't deserve this crappy lot. AAAAAAAAAAAAH! I wish sometimes I could hit something - and then other times I wish Papa could hold me and make it better.

But Papa keeps telling me this is just a "racing deal". I keep trying to believe that.

 

Lisa, don't ever blame yourself. I will call once I figure out what to say, I promise.

 

hmmm

I think it was stated above...
God does not visit these things upon those that can not handle adversity, if he is even responsible at all (we do have free will).

If any lesser person were so afflicted, they might have mentally crumbled by now. Papa it seems is made of tougher stuff.

I do have to agree though that it feels like bad stuff only happens to the good people, and then (again) I begin to think that maybe it is because they can handle it. It's as if God is trying to use them as an example for the lesser of how the human spirit can overcome any adversity, if we only believe in it.

Lisa, while I have never met you, please dont blame yourself! You had nothing to do with it, and if you told Papa that I bet he would get mad at you!!
Keep your chin up.... everyone is here for Papa and you.

Ryan

 

Brad,
I know where you are coming from man. I'm sure Guo understands too. My head hasn't been right on the track since Martin was killed. Now Papa and RFKnight are hurt badly. VIR sucked for me because I had no fight in me. But, then again, I was lucky enough to be there and Martin wasn't. I felt guilty for feeling bad about my performance too. Even though Martin was killed while we were playing in the dirt, I saw all these guys in front of me battling it out at VIR and I wanted no part of it. I just couldn't join the fray. The part that I struggle with is making my family go thru what his is going thru and will go thru for years to come. I was angry with God too. There were 5 other guys that we were with that didn't have a wife and children. I asked why couldn't it be me. But we don't make those choices. In fact we have little control over the outcome of any given day.

Try your best to come to terms with the anger. Papa's and Liz's strength will help you with that. Feed off of it. Martin's Parents Strength has helped me alot. They may come to CMP this weekend. I hope this helps, bro.

 

it's just that, i knew papa before we ever met. i have fought with him so many times on here that an in-person meeting was never necessary. i respected him and enjoyed engaging him in fiery discussion. had i known that i would someday miss him like this i might have even yielded in some discussions. now i have no-one. don't get me wrong i enjoy most of my friends/adversaries here. but, there is NO papa substitute. if i could trade, i would. get well papa, PLEASE GET WELL. if only just to type away on here.

 

You know I should not post this here at this time but I will any way. Back in the day when I road on the street I was a crazy man 18 year old good job couple of bikes life was good. I rode as much as I could every day hell I put 26000 miles on a brand new bike in six months buring up the back roads and then it happened I was 1 mile from my house at an intersection doing 55 miles an hour and tboned a car I superman 50 yards think god I got up and walked away with a scracted helmet and elbow and brused. So thats when I decided it was time to take it to the track so new bikes new trailer from the incurance money an here we go was having a good time in the 2000 season no wrecks all season and then august 31st comes my sister is hit head on while riding her motorcycle so now she was in the trama unit at vanderbilt so september 24th came around there was a track day a TGP hosted by fast lap so with my sister in a coma my mother told me to go to get some practice in because I had been invited to the gnf and my sister would have wanted me to be ready because she would come to all the races to see me race so there I was fourth lap of my first session when I was hit from behined going in to turn one so major high side 8 broke ribs not moving I thought I was going to die right there in turn one but all I could think about was geting back home to my wife,kids and my sister and O man how am I going to tell my mother who has enuff on her mind with my sister that I am hurt this bad so I didn't I refused treatment and a ride to the hospital and got in the truck while my team mate loaded evey thing up and we headed for home not knowing if i would make it but I did but you know I never told my sister that I had that wreak she thinks I stop racing because of the expense and after four monthes of her being in a coma she came around right before chrismas and she asked why i could hardly breath I told her I had a cold and I had been smoking to much but what am saying is papa and lisa hang in there because some years later we are both good and healthy and I am thinking of coming back to racing you just have to take it one day at a time


p.s. brad I know your mad but it's a risk we take alltough thing cold be safer sometimes

 

It's important to remember that its not that God made it or let it happen but more simply, "Sh@t Happens". It is how you react to it that is most important. Energy spent on trying to figure out why ends up being futile, because there is not why it just happens. What is most important is focusing your energy in a way that can actually help rather wasting it on wondering why. You are probably thinking yeah right, but I am just speaking from experience. I have been through and seen a lot in my worldly travels in the military and one thing I learned and learned quick was that "Sh@t Happens" and when it does you have to drive on. Because wallowing in it doesn't do you or those around you any good. We all need to focus our energy on praying for Papa and Richard and looking to the future and motivating them to do so with a positive and motivated attitude. Trying to figure out why will eventually wear you down. I send out my best wishes to both Papa and Richard and wish you the speediest of recoveries. Everything always works out in the end, maybe not the way we thought, but it always works out.

 

I have spent the past week waiting for my phone to ring and hearing Papa’s voice say: “Gottcha”!! He was always complaining that I did not have a heart and that nothing at all could get an emotion out of me… Anybody who’s ever met Papa or just talk to him cannot help but feel devastated, angry, and wonder where is the rightness in all that. As Lisa wrote, Papa is so full of life and so always in motion that it hurts terribly to think of him in the condition he is now. They say things happen for a particular reason or for no reason at all… There may be some truth to that, but all I know is that I want papa to get better and stronger. He is a fighter and has a lot of support…. I pray everything works out for the best.

 

Lisa, don't do that to yourself. Everything happens for a reason and sometimes we find out why, and sometimes we don't. You can't rack your brain like that so focus that energy on Papa and keep on helping him as you have been.

You can't play the 'what if" game or it will drive you nuts. Chances are if he had never met you he would still have been at Summit that day and raced. It's pure speculation and we'll never know.

All of us love and miss Papa and are praying for him every day. I've been praying for a miraculous recovery for him so he can get up out of that bed and walk out of the hospital. If it's meant to be it will happen. If not, he'll still be the same Papa that we know and love. I'm very proud of him for being so strong throughout this whole ordeal and he's a fine example to all of us that we should live life to the fullest and keep a positive outlook, because we never know when our time is up or when something terrible like this could happen to us.

Hang in there and let me and TIW know if you need anything, even if it's just to talk.

 

Brad,

You have the courage and strength to be in touch with your feelings. By experiencing them and vocalizing them like you did, you give yourself the opportunity to work through them. You could repress them, deny them, minimize them, act out on them, and all manner of less helpful responses, but you don't. You stay in touch with them, talk them out, and in so doing insure that you'll come through this experience emotionally whole.

Papa is experiencing trauma; so too are you. Like all trauma, there will be a period of pain and a process of integrating the trauma into who you are. Notice, I did not say "closure" or "resolution," which are both myths, but "integration."

By expressing your feelings of hurt, anger, and helplessness, you are an excellent model for us all.

Thank you.

thane

 

I so touched that we can all share our feelings.

I am having a really rough week and it's like all my sadness from the past month and half have just fallen in my lap so to speak. I miss Martin and i'm mad about what Papa and Lisa are having to go through. I feel very helpless because I don't feel like I can contribute anything to help Papa and Lisa because I live so far away.

I know I have to trust God in this (these are my beliefs), but it is just really really hard.

 

Brad and others:

We are all going through these same emotions...you were just the first one brave enough to post. Last night I drifted off to sleep, only to wake up crying. I was hysterical. I was angry. I was sad. I have so many thoughts running through my mind about Papa, Lisa, his family and us, his friends.

I get so angry when I think about all of the motorcycle riders out there who are so f'in irresponsible, and nothing happens to them. Why does this happen to someone who actually took his love of the sport to a "safe" environment?

I think it's important to remember that we are all friends here and we can lean on each other. We have to talk to each other about this. We have to keep each other strong, share stories about Papa that make us smile, and use each other to get out all of the anger and feelings we have about what is going on.

We are all feeling the same, Brad. I don't know that I'll ever get back on a bike again because of what has happened because I'm angry at the bike, angry at the track, angry at the world right now.

Laura

 

Hey Doc....

There's nothing wrong with what you feel. Things here in 'virtual life' are not the same without Papa. BUT Papa is still alive! His mind is there and he is still the same person that has argured and entertained all of us.... I'm as sick about the accidents of the past few weekends as anybody...maybe more so because I wasn't there to help with anything.

There is some voice recognition software available that might be able to get Papa back on the board with a laptop. I think Steve Clark knows about it.

So how about it Steve? is there stuff that can get Papa on here from his room? I'm sure it would help everyone here and I think Papa would enjoy it too...

 

i know that papa wants us to ride lag. i just feel "guilty" for having my health right now. i have crashed so many more times than papa, and here i sit. it's like i want to crawl out of my skin. i'm not lamenting {not my style} about this. it's just like f&^k!! i can't stand it. it consumes me right now.

thanks wrenn.

 

I know...I know Papa would be angry at any of us for thinking we may never race again...but this has truly affected the way I feel.

You can't beat yourself up over the fact that you have made it through ok. So many people are feeling like that right now. I remember last year Papa had a big highside on his RC...remember that? And he was fine. We'll never know why, Brad. We'll always question it, but we'll never know.

I can't stand the anger and sadness anymore either, but Papa and Lisa need us strong right now. We have to keep strong, think good thoughts and keep them both going.

It is extremely overwhelming what we are all going through. Let yourself feel the feelings that you are feeling right now. Scream if you need to. Punch something (not someone! ) if you have to. CRY for god's sakes if you have to. Don't let it consume you. If you want to come visit Papa, you are more than welcome to stay with me and I'll take you up there. That goes for anyone on here.