Okay time to liven things up a bit with some jokes!

Yeah, as I was reading the joke, I thought that was going to be the punch line.

Suspension of Disbelief, etc, etc...

 

Do denominations other than Catholic call their parishioners priests?

 

Lovers of shit metal?

 

Episcopalians, for one.

 

What is the interior temperature of a Tauntaun from Star Wars?











Luke warm...

 

My wife and I went to the auction mart at Tralee the other week and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ......smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week ! ...........You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR

'My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if every time was with the same old cow.'

My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.

 

A couple was out for a romantic stroll in St Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve, they feel a slight precipitation.

"I think it's raining", he says.

"No, it's definitely snowing", she retorts.

"How about we ask this Communist officer here, he's always right!", exclaims the man. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"

"Definitely raining", replies officer Rudolph before sprightly goosestepping away.

"See, told you" says the man....



















"Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

 

Our neighbour was having an extension built and our daughter, then aged four, was fascinated. From her window she watched the builders digging trenches and pouring concrete. Eventually she asked if she could go and watch from up close. I thought there'll be no harm in it. She gathered up her little bucket and spade to help with the construction.

The builders took little time warming to her. The contractor, ever aware of public liability issues, fashioned a hard hat from an ice cream container and a plastic strap, the painter colored it fluoro pink, the carpenter let her fetch nails, the brickie showed her how to add water to the stuff in the cement mixer, and in that vein she was fully occupied for the rest of the week. On Friday afternoon everybody chipped in a dollar or two, folded some paper to make it look like a pay packet and gave it to her.

I thought, this is a good opportunity to encourage frugality. I suggested we go to the bank with her first ever wages and open an account just for her. She thought that was a good idea. Once she had enough money, she'd be able to buy a pony.

The bank, when we finally got to it, was very busy. By the time we advanced to the head of the queue, dozens more customers were waiting behind us. The teller looked at me. I pointed down at my princess, who was clutching her pay envelope, but the teller could not see her. So I lifted her up on to the counter. "Oh! What have we here?" he asked. "My wages," she told him. "I'm a builder." "Oh, have you been building something?" he continued. "Yes. I'm building my neighbor's entertainment area," she announced proudly, "but it's not finished yet." "So, you'll earn more money next week?" The teller was getting into the swing of it. "Sure," said my darling, and then raised her voice: "but only if the cunts from Dunstone's deliver the fucking bricks on time."

 

A Mexican magician tells the audience that he will disappear on the count of three.

"Uno..."

"Dos..."
*POOF*...





He disappeared without a tres.

 

Every day, a male employee walks up very close to a female co-worker at the coffee machine.

He stops, inhales quite deeply and says that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, the woman can't stand it anymore.
She takes her issue to a supervisor in Human Resources and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against the guy..

The supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

She replies, "It's Frank. The midget."

 

Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

 

Du hast dein Publikum vermisst.

 

"Why is my sister named Teresa?"
"Because your mother loves Easter... It's an anagram."
"OK, thanks, dad."
"No problem, Alan."

 

I was at my bank today; there was a short line.
There was just one lady in front of me, an Asianlady, who was trying to exchange yens for dollars.
It was obvious she was very irritated …
She asked the teller, “Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty?

Why it change?”
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said,
“Fluctuations.”
The Asian lady says, “Fluc you white people too” !!!

 

Indian With One Testicle
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle
and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that
name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally
cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone
again I will kill them!'
The word got around and nobody called
him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird
forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He
jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into
the forest where he made love to her all day and
all night. He made love to her all the next day,
until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what
he promised he would do. Years went by and no
one dared call him by his given name until A woman
named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being
away. Yellow Bird , who wasBlue Bird's cousin, was
overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him
and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,
then he made love to her all day, made love to her all
night, made love to her all the next day, made love to
her all the next night, butYellow Bird wouldn't die!



Why ???





OH, come on, ... take a guess !!!


Think about it !


You're going to love this !!!





Are you ready??











Everyone knows...















You can't kill Two Birds

withOneStone!!!

 

Puzzled? No googling the rhyme...