Talking old people into moving

My grandparents are in their early 80's. Grandmother may have the onset of Alzheimer's and Parkinson's. We're not sure yet, but either way she's not doing well. Grandfather is in out of the doctors office with old people ailments.

They currently live in an old drafty house with their bedroom upstairs. My poor grandfather has to juggle taking care of my grandmother and himself, the yard, the house, and the pool (that they don't swim in). As they both get worse, it's taking a toll on them. This is truly a case where being this independent is not good for them.

There are a metric fuck ton of assisted living homes in the DFW area. Not nursing homes, but "active life style" old people communities. Much of the family lives in the area, so we would still be within a 30 min commute to them.

My question is:

How do you convince a stubborn old person to move out of their house? What tactics did you use. I feel they need to do the move before they get worse, so at least the stress of moving would be over with. They are very financially stable and modest with their money, so a decent home would be easy for them to do.

I've been chosen in a kinda sorta way to be the one to start the ball rolling. FML

 

If they don't want to move it's not going to happen. Not much you could say to convince them.

 

No luck trying to get Gram to come live with us for years... same with the other kids. She was set on staying in HER home...

 

Was in the exact same boat 2 yrs ago.

1 yr ago we lost grandma.

About 6 months ago myou grandpa moved into semi assisted living with cafeteria and card games and poker etc. Sold his house and 3/4 of his stuff.

So far best thing that ever happened to him. He always has a buddy to bullshit with and play games with. Food is better and more regular.....He gets his 3 squares.

Before this he tried in home care for grandma....and it's hard. Alzheimer's progressed very quickly with her. She didn't trust anybody. Wouldn't let.them cook or clean. We are trying to get him to sell his 1 yr old Lincoln with 400 miles on it now.

With my grandma I would say we had about a 8 yr window from when she started doing weird shit until she didn't recognize me. Then loss of appetite. ..then heart failure.

If he's a WW2 vet like mine......he'll do it when he's damn good and ready.

Having his kids and grandkids and cousins all slowly prod him will slowly help.

 

Oh and if you don't know old bitches outnumber the old guys in those places like 5 to 1.

He constantly has some new broad dropping of cookies and pies and shit when I go see him.

 

It's very difficult for someone accustomed to being self-sufficient and independent to make that change. What finally worked with my mom required a bit of psychology. She was always focused on never being a burden to her children. It took a while and some health issues before we finally convinced her that her trying to avoid being a burden actually created situations that were more troublesome.

 

He was born in the 30's. He was a kid during the war. But, he's one of those men that after college, he got a job (defense contractor) and stayed there ~ 45 years until he retired.

 

They ain't going anywhere and there isn't a damn thing you can do to get them to.

Well, short of burning down the house on while they're out.

 

That's a tough situation, sounds a lot like my Dad. My Mom dies 3 years ago, after a 16 year fight with alz. He lives in the same house he built by himself 62 years ago in Indianapolis. He also built a home on a lake just north of Panama City Florida in 1988. He loves living in Indy because his family is there. He loves living in Florida because of the weather, fishing, year round garden, it's just a nice place. But he's 84 years old, still drives, but all of us are terrified that something can happen. He's stubborn, and won't give in to any of us. We are also afraid if we force him to do something he doesn't want to do, he will resent us….it's a tough situation. Good luck.

 

Just had a conversation with a buddy dealing with this a couple hours ago. I'm gonna forward this thread to him.

 

Might be best to start by convincing them to hire someone to take care of the pool and lawn. When they see how much easier that makes things, maybe they will warm up to the assisted living idea.
I have no experience in this field, but good luck.

 

I thought this thread was about then they are walking too slowly in front of you.

 

BTDT... even after we convinced my mom to move it didn't matter because she would forget the conversation. Got her into a very nice place with her own "apartment". It was church run, "non-profit". They told us that as long as she paid them for two years that if she ran out of $$$ after that that she could remain there on their dime. Well, at the 2 year point (amazing coincedence...) they determined that she needed to move to a different floor due to her increasing level of care needed, and darn...they didn't have any vacancies on that floor. From there it's been one shithole nursing home after another, the kind of place NOBODY wants to end up. My 2 cents...try and get them into a smaller home or apartment without stairs/pool etc. and keep them on their own as long as possible. Start involving any govt. agency or hospital "machinery" and you might as well burn every cent they have right now and hope for the best.

Sorry if this isn't very helpful...the body outliving the brain is all too common and there's no good solution.

 

That is easy...

Get a louder horn

 

Let me fill you in on something that young people have no way of knowing. As I get closer to "old age" (I'm 73 next week) I've really changed my feelings about leaving our home. My wife and I have been living in our two story log home for 33 years. We built this place with our own two hands. (well, actually four hands but you get the picture.) Up until about 5 years ago we considered selling and moving someplace else in the area but now we wouldn't consider moving out of this house. It's us. It is part of our lives and we love it more all the time and would not consider any other place.

I said that to say this. As we grow older we tend to hang onto where our lives started. It's an almost irrational desire to remain in one place that's comfortable and a place that we feel intimately familiar with. It's simply....home. Keep that in mind when dealing with your parents. Have you considered a live-in caretaker?

 

The fact that alzheimers is poking its ugly head into this situation creates so many additional challenges beyond just convincing a parent to move.

My grandmother has alzheimers/dementia. Her husband passed away in the mid-80's, and for the last 10 years or so had been living with her sister in a typical Florida senior trailer-home community. Her sister had been her "crutch" for years as she was both mentally and physically healthier.

Her sister passed away a year or so ago, and she has since really regressed due to the alzheimers.

We tried the assisted living thing, but she was MORTIFIED for the week that she was there.

Since then, she has adjusted well to living in a private home, along with 3 other "residents," with 24-hour nursing care.


Your situation seems to be a little different since your grandfather is in "better" health, though by no means will he be able to handle the decline in health of your grandmother by himself. As mentioned before, perhaps hiring someone to help him out with that burden is the safest bet as you gradually try to arrange an eventual move closer to family.

Seriously.........good luck. This kind of shit is just about one of the hardest periods of life for people to endure.

 

The live in caretaker isn't a bad idea. I'll ask my aunt and mom if they have considered that option.

 

Dealing with this since 2006, or so. Wife's folks too. My parents were born in 1923, & I've been very involved with them for years. My Dad held a fire extinguisher at a LOT of WERA National Endurance races.

No easy way, & each situation is different...

Get them help at their house first, while you seriously investigate other options.

Look up "A place for Mom." No charge service to you.

 

It's a tough thing to deal with. We had my wife's grandmother living with us for a couple year. It's very demanding as they decline. We had no choice but to get her somewhere at the point it was unhealthy for her to continue to live with us. We found her propped up against the wall in her walker trying to sleep because she could not get back into bed after going to the bathroom.

She would forget that she wasn't alone and wouldn't come wake either of us up to help. Then the dementia started and she would wake up and wander the house calling for her mother.

We finally had to convince her that she needed more medical attention than we could provide at home even with outside help but it wasn't easy. Really hard on the wife as she would have preferred that she be in our house until passed.

 

I told my mother in law about the huge spiders, rattlesnakes, mountain lions, floods, 100 degree summers that we have here in SW Utah and she moved to Houston instead.

Seriously, we had a series of discussions with her. Every time we made a bit of progress we'd stop and review. The next time we'd go back over the previous progress and move forward. Finally we had her agreeing to move, then we toured about 12 facilities and she found one she likes. Almost have to negotiate with them like you younger children.