Serious question about wake/funeral etiquette.

A business colleague passed away this week, and the wake is Friday. Great guy, took great care of me on the business end, and I'd consider him a friend.

In situations like this, usually I'll send a floral arrangement from the company and a card from me personally.

I ordered flowers today, and when I gave the invoice to my controller she told me that the obituary had the standard "in lieu of flowers" line, and that she thought that meant they didn't want flowers, and it would be rude to send them.

I was always under the impression that it meant either/or, but I'm letting this bother me. Is there any "official" etiquette relating to this?

 

Well usually "in lieu of flowers" sets up for something they would prefer you rather spend the money of flowers on. Like in lieu of flowers a donation can be made to such and such charity.


FYI, "in lieu of" does not mean either/or, it means in place of, instead of.

 

It means don't send flowers.

 

Flowers die. Contribution in lieu of flowers does a lot more good. Respect his and his family's wishes.

 

Maybe I'm more out of touch than I thought.

I always thought flowers were a nice visual display of respect and adoration for the deceased. Just hard to imagine a funeral with no flowers...

 

YES!

 

Maybe they've already arranged for flowers they want to be delivered and arranged therefor they do not need additional ones to clutter things up. Hence the request they made.

If you're that adamant about it despite the family's request then your feeling are probably more important than the deceased family's :up:

 

I don't think sending flowers in this situation will get anyone that butt hurt. Honest mistakes happen and I'm sure you won't be the only one. It's still a nice sentiment.

Edit: I think the family will have things to worry about other than who didn't read the obit carefully.

 

People use the in lieu of to support an organization that either meant something to them or to the deceased. We asked for donations to Hospice because the work they did was very supporting to us when dealing with my parents. We were grateful to those that sent flowers because we know no everyone sees the obituary. It wasn't at all inconsiderate. Mom would have been thankful for the remembrance.

 

Do both.

 

Adamant? Really? I'm the opposite of adamant. I'm open to the idea that I'm wrong. I even conceded that maybe I'm out of touch.

But you don't really want to help, do you? For some reason it makes you feel better to be a condescending cunt and throw judgements around like it's your job.

 

If it's too late to cancel the flowers, maybe you can send them anyway and do the donation in addition to them.

 

Thanks for the responses everybody. I'm not going to cancel the flowers, but I'll make a donation to the memorial fund also.

I guess I'll have to re-think it going forward.

 

True......I guess it is just flowers after all


Been a long morning of dealing with people that refuse to listen to instructions so I'm a little cranky

 

I see this every day in my job and it is becoming increasingly more common to see requests for a specific donation "in lieu of" flowers. It's because there would just be too many flowers to deal with. Some still send flowers, but most make a donation and send a condolence card saying a donation has been made in the deceased's name to the requested charity.

 

When I have an employee's relative pass away, I have a memorial stone sent to the employee's home or the funeral home. It makes a great addition to landscaping and we have been sending them for several years now.

Plants die and realistically, it is a large pain to have to transport the vast amount of arrangements that get sent to a funeral home.

I will say this... The amount of appreciation that you get from an employee for sending an arrangement is worth it's weight in gold.

 

Usually the family has arranged floral arrangements if they are desired. I've found that if the obit states "in lieu of flowers . . .", the family has decided that there already will be enough flowers and more would be a waste, in addition to adding the family's burden of moving/disposing of the arrangements afterward.

There is also the possibility of a family member's allergies to certain flowers.

I try to follow the obit's suggestions, unless it tries to instruct me how to vote.

 

I've told Sam that in lieu of a funeral just put me in a burlap sack and toss me in the Chesapeake bay and let the crabs eat me. I figure it's a nice payback for all of them I've eaten.

Throw a small kegger for all the people that hated me and let everyone talk shit in one place.

 

In that case, every day is a Dave K wake beeb