Okay time to liven things up a bit with some jokes!

What gets longer when pulled, fits cosy between breasts, slides into a hole, chokes people when used incorrectly and works best when jerked?







A seat belt

 

A black boy walks into the kitchen where his mother is baking and accidentally pulls the flour over onto his head. He turns to his mother and says, “Look Mama, I’m a white boy!” His mother smacks him and says, “Go tell your Daddy what you just said!” The boy finds his father and says, “Look Daddy, I’m a white boy!” His Daddy bends him over, spanks him, stands the boy back up, and says, “Now, what do you have to say for yourself?” The boy replies, “I’ve only been a white boy for five minutes and I already hate you black people!”

 

In ancient Greece (469 – 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said, “Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students … ?”

“Wait a moment,” Socrates replied. “Before you tell me, I’d like you to pass a little test. It’s called the Test of Three.”

“Test of Three?”

“That’s correct,” Socrates continued.

“Before you talk to me about my student let’s take a moment to test what you’re going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?”

“No,” the man replied, “actually I just heard about it.”

“All right,” said Socrates. “So you don’t really know if it’s true or not. Now let’s try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?”

“No, on the contrary …”

“So,” Socrates continued, “you want to tell me something bad about him even though you’re not certain it’s true?”

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, “You may still pass though because there is a third test – the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?”

“No, not really …”

“Well,” concluded Socrates, “if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?”

The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

 

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

 

What's a lesbians favorite dinosaur?





A Lickalotapuss.

 

That's so old I actually heard it from a lesbian dinosaur.

 

Yeah, when I first heard that one the Dead Sea was just getting sick.

 

When you heard that the first time the Dead Sea was just hitting puberty.

 

I do a really great Michael Jackson impression...

but first I'll need a young child that can keep a secret...

 

Everyone except Dave Chappelle is offended by that...

 

Why do Hong Kong police officers like to get to work early?







To beat the crowd...


Too early?

 

Son: "Dad, I fell in love and want to date this girl"

Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"

Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later:

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!"

Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"

Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister."

This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.

Son: "Mom, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"

The mother hugs him affectionately and says, "You can date whoever you want. He isn't your father!"

 

I'll bet that's true way more than people realize.

 

I've seen stories that WELL INTO the double digits percent of children are being raised by men that are unwittingly (?) not the one that shot the bear.

 

I've jokingly said to my wife many times, usually in front of company, " I'm not sure I'm the father ". But I'm pretty sure I am.

 

Another oldie but goodie:

What's the first thing Adam said to Eve?

"Better stand back baby, I don't know how big this thing gets."

 

An Appalachian boy exclaimed to his father, “Pa, I found the girl that's to be my wife. She's smart, she's pretty and she's a virgin!”
“Son, she weren't no good for her family, what makes you think she'd be any good fer ours?”

 

Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?



















To get to the bottom.

 

Reminds me of another toilet paper joke.....

Bob's wife was fretting one morning about how small her boobs were.

Bob suggested that she rub toilet paper up & down between them 3 times a day. He said that would make them grow.

For a few weeks she did as Bob had suggested, but to no avail.

She asked Bob where he got this silly idea...

Bob said, "Well, it worked for yer ass, didn't it!"



That's when the fight started.