Alcohol treatment programs?

Right, you can be high as a trampoline on Mt. Everest and still be miserable as hell. Most addicts use to run from their misery, or something. Snort a line of oxy, a bump of coke, smoke some good hydro, do a shot and then get down with your stripper friend that just broke up with her man, yeah, that's some serious pleasure, but it's not happiness.

 

Very true. Best way I ever heard it put was pleasure without chemicals or vices is true happiness.

 

the first step is the one you believe in, the second one might be profound. Ski

 

My biological father was a major major coke addict. My mom used cocaine while pregnant with me. I don't produce dopamine the way you or other people do. Ever since I was a child I have always felt empty. That's why I rock climb and raced bikes.... And when I tried that first line of cocaine, it was like some part of me that had been missing my entire life was suddenly there. A genuine feeling of contentment. Not even the high, just.... It's the only time I ever felt anything resembling..... Normalcy, clarity, levity. At least that's how it started. Over a few years it of coarse spiraled to the point where Id be locked up in a hotel naked sitting in a chair staring out of the 1/4 inch crack on the blinds that are 5 feet away then darting my attention to the small cracks of light in the door opening and back and forth. drooling on my leg with a gun in my hand ready to shoot the Feds I swore were watching me from the other building and about to raid my room. No contact with the outside world. No phone. No nothing. Just me. In a chair. In a dark room. Staring at nothing. With a mountain of cocaine next to me. Waiting to die in a hail of gunfire. I would spend days like this.

stupid right?

Every single day I wake up, splash water on my face, look in the mirror and tell myself that "you aren't going to put a bullet in your head today. Because you don't have it bad. You have more than most. and you have people that love you. Fuck the void. Live for your loved ones if not for yourself. Work your ass off. Don't let them down"

That's what keeps me going. Cause I could give two shits about myself. I'm like the Stranger only way more self destructive and way more dangerous.

 

Nope. Not in the least. Outsiders always wonder why people get so attached to extreme sports or an extreme lifestyle. It's impossible to explain to someone who doesn't understand the rush making you feel "normal." Trying to explain to them that your fantasy team winning the championship, or watching college basketball is so far removed from anything "happy" or a "good time".. It just doesn't register. But hanging on to a motorcycle at speed, or an off camber rock with a 3 store drop. Yep sounds good.

 

This is exactly the truth. We all have addictions whether we know it or not. Motorcycles saved me. In all honesty they did. Now I live for others. My son mainly. I get a lot of pleasure working on his bikes and seeing him happy. As Cortez said ive had friends this way. Its horrible but it happens. I drank like a fish but one morning I woke up looked in the mirror saw myself and said thats enough. I didnt like what I saw. Ill have the occasional beer now but thats it. I recognized it might be a problem and I got rid of it.

 

did you say bump?

 

Nope. actually courageous if you tell me. Good stuff man, acknowledging your situation and dealing with it as best as you can. Really good stuff

 

I have two good friends who exemplify this. One is a roadracer, the other a skydiver.

He was a Marine, into some really high speed low drag stuff. A lot of people who know him pretty well from the track have no idea who he was in a prior life. When he EASed he had a really hard time with normal boring life. When he started roadracing he got something back. It activated the same whatever in his brain that rappelling from a helicopter into a hornets nest of hostile militants did.

The other is the widow of a soldier in to 101st. He succumbed to depression and took his own life, leaving her devastated. She fought with thoughts of joining him for a long time before she decided to go skydiving to see what it was that he loved about jumping from airplanes. She said that she secretly hoped for an accident so the pain would end without her having to do it. Something happened during that first jump that changed her, so she went back again and again. She's now got hundreds of jumps under her belt and credits the high from skydiving with saving her life.

Cortez, that's an incredible story man. It's great that you pulled your shit together. Most people who get that sick never come out of it. I'm lucky that addiction has never been an issue for me. I definitely go all-in on things, but they're mostly healthy outlets. Thank god chemicals never did it for me, I don't know if I could power through it like you did.

 

Meaning rail or gagger.


Nevermind, just saw the other thread.

 

My non belief in the afterlife is really what keeps me from doing it. If I beliwved Id be reunited with my loved ones I would have said fuck it a long time ago.

This life is all I have. Gotta make it count.

 

Im not a bible thumper by any means...do I believe, yes. Do i ask for strength everyday before my feet hit the floor at 4am, yep. Alcohol just doesn't exist in my world anymore.

I was drinking a fifth of wild turkey a day, a twelve pack in between bars, at 5 am, 7 am, 10 am....24/7.

When I went on 'vacation', I almost died from withdrawals. The CO was going to put me in the hole because i was hallucinating, causing a ruckus, yelling, screaming, etc..Thank GOD, the sgt came and took me to the in house hospital. I was in a pickle suit. Cameras on me. Had to eat with my fingers because shaking so bad. I used conditioner and shampoo as caulk to seal the the crack under the door because bugs were coming in. The shit i saw, just from delirium tremens (DT's). All i remember was about 8 LEO's saying, i could do this willingly or......and I woke up 2 wks later.

A was given a shot of liquid xanex or valium or something. KNocked me right the fudge out.

3 months later....reading PSALMS before church in the vacation house. I read psalm 143. I liked it. Marked the page, closed the bible, got up and got a coffee. Preacher comes through the 7 door max facility. We all go into 'church', and the preacher says, "Everybody turn to Psalm 143".

I instantly started sobbing, but with a feeling of 'ease' or the monkey was off my back, contentment....IdK how to describe it.
Dudes were looking at me...preacher was quiet. I looked at him, and he just kinda nodded....like he knew what was up.

Ridicule me or whatever. Im not ashamed or embarrassed about my testimony.

Im a college edumacated from a prominent university. Started a business in '94 at the age of 24. Mustang cobra convertible, new Z71 truck, motorcycles, work trucks and equipment, a mortgage, etc....But after a broken leg, baby mama moving away with my 2 yr old daughter, a child support case ( i won btw), in jail for that for a few weeks, business going down hill....I started racing more, traveling, gambling, drinking, hookers that did blow.....I was trying to fill the void of my daughter not being with me everyday....and the alcohol/devil took hold of me.

And now, almost 10 yrs sober, life is great. The biggest thing im most proud of was making my mom and dad proud of me again. I was never a fuk up and nobody could ever imagine i hadn't gotten into a hole like i did.

That's my story. Carry on.

 

Clean and sober since 1995. I don't advertise. 12 steps work. I'm old school so I don't debate it. Don't want it? Don't go. Someone else wants that seat more.

 

I went to one of those 12 step things once when I first dried out just to see. I lasted maybe 10 minutes before I knew it wouldn't work for me and wasn't much help (once again) for me. For me is the important part of that and it might just be the help YOU need and it'll be the shit for you.

 

No doubt there are some whiney bitch ass groups too. Can't deny that. Glad you got the chimp off your back.

 

I threw the crutch (a small one, stolen from tiny tim) away a long time ago.