Okay time to liven things up a bit with some jokes!

Cum Laude - "With Honors"
Magna Cum Laude - "With Great Honors"
Summa Cum Laude - "With Greatest Honors"
Dentene Sarke - "Skin of Teeth"

 

The story of Ralph and Edna...

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want
them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while
they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly
jumped into the deep end.




He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.




Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the
bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became
aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from
the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.




When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I
have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being
discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and
saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act
displays sound mindedness.




The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with
his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'




Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.

How soon can I go home?'

 

I got this one, Fuzzy...

The story of Ralph and Edna

Originally posted by Frackadelic -
http://forums.13x.com/showthread.php?p=2015670

So ...

 

good job covering for me :up:

 

so after 1504 posts all jokes have been told?

 

Damn it that is either my second or third!

 

No, I'm still holding out. I got a gazillion of 'em.

For example:

A guy goes to a psychiatrist. Shrink starts showing him some of those inkblot things and asks him what he sees.

He looks at the first one. "That's two butterflies mating."

He looks at the second one. "That's two dogs getting it on."

He looks at the third one. "That's a man and a woman doing it 69 style."

Stroking his beard, the psychiatrist slowly sets the cards aside. "I think I know what your problem is", he announced, "You're completely obsessed with sex."

"Me? ... ME?!?", exclamed the patient, "You're the one showing all the dirty pictures!"

 

George, you are such a hoot!

 

e-mail

I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over
the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel
or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about
the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the
last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine
what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving
because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose
(although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot).

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only
imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the
years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the
floor of a public bathroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same
reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny
Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I
receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels
looking out for me, and St.Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible
mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch
the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping
gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr.Pepper since the people who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.
I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes
cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the
microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face... disfiguring me
for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are
actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support
our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda,
Singapore , and Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now
have their recipe.

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big
brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped
in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex
molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain
gas companies!

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the
brown recluse and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next
70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actuallyhappened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician . . .

Oh, by the way.....
A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

 

Ummmm. I think he means funny ones!

 

Finally got the Concours back on the road!

I've been doing a lot of work on the Connie, including some fork seals and engine work. Finally got the old girl back on the road today and it was a great feeling. The bike really is a pleasure to ride, and the sunshine and relatively cool spring day just felt extra good.

But then things got real crazy. This bird flew right in front of me out of nowhere and hit the faring. I thought it hit so hard it would have knocked it cold or even killed it but the bird was still alive and flapping. Part of its wing had gotten lodged in a seam between the windshield and the faring, so there it was flapping and screeching. Without missing a beat I stood up on the pegs, leaned forward a bit and gave him a little flip, dislodging his wing.

Unfortunately the bird was disoriented and simply sailed right over my head. Flipping end over end it landed squarely on the windshield of the car right behind me.

To make things even worse the car behind me was a police car. He immediately turned on his blue lights and pulled me over!

He then proceeded to write me a ticket for flipping him the bird.

 

Wacca-wacca !

 

Will somebody get George a snare drum and a cymbal?

 

I hope you are taking precautions for the swine flu. Our safety dept.
has approved these two masks as the best protection against this virus...

 

da-dom-tisss Sorry...that's all I could come up with on such short notice.

 

That will suffice

 

A college class was told they had to write a short story in as few words as possible. The instructions were: The short story had to contain the following three things:

(1) Religion
(2) Sexuality
(3) Mystery

Below is the only A+ short story in the entire class.

"Good God, I'm pregnant; I wonder who did it."

 

At the Sunday morning church service, the minister asked
if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for
answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a
Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle
accident and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was terrible
and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasps from all the men in the
congregation as they imagined the pain poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on,
"and every movement caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors
performed a very delicate operation, which lasted for over five
hours, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed
remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.
Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed
uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery that was performed
on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the
Lord, after six weeks, Tom is now out of the hospital and the doctors
say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief.

The minister rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had
something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom."
The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to
tell my wife that the word is sternum."

 

why did the peanut butter jump into the ocean?
so it could be with the jelly fish.

waka waka waka!