Dear Family and Friends in the Southern United States: I regret to inform you that effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to overwhelming population of the earth, recent immigrants from south of the border and some of the Carribean islands, my contract was renegotiated by the North American Fairies and Elves Local #209 (Not to be confused with the Gay Rights Movement.) I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies, so keep that in mind. However, I am certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus His side of the family is from the South Pole, That's down the road a piece below Tennessee and Georgia. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls. However, there will be a few differences between us, such as: 1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: These toys insured by Smith & Wesson. 2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC Cola and Pork Rinds, a moon pie or Grits and Gravy on the fireplace. Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe; he dips a little though, so please have an empty spit can ready. 3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace. 4. You won't hear On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen.... when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead you'll hear, On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and on LaBonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty. 5. Ho, Ho, Ho! has been replaced by Yee Haw! and you are also likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, I her'd dat! 6. As required by Southern Highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words Back Off. The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh as well. One is a Ford logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a picture of me (Santa Claus) peeing on the Tooth Fairy. 7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as Miracle on 34th Street and It's A Wonderful Life will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see Boss Hogg Saves Christmas and Smokey and the Bandit IV featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of State Police cars crashing into each other. 8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure the wife and kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree. 9. And, finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and Bing Crosby's Santa Claus is Coming to Town. This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be Mark Chesnutt's Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox; Cledus T. Judd's All I Want for Christmas is My Woman and a Six Pack; Dolly Parton's Those aren't the Great Smokies Y'er Starun At and Johnny Paycheck's If you Don't Like Bubba Claus, Shove It . Sincerely Yours, Santa Claus (Member) North American Fairies and Elves Local #209
LMAO!! So that means my dad or brother will be Santa Claus this year. (I have the biggest redneck family, so this fits them perfect.)
LOL! That's a good one Sean. I've seen some other Bubba Claus jokes before but this one is the best by far.
I don't know about the pork rinds part, but I'll take the RC Cola and moon pie, esp. if it's a chocolate one.
No one ever told me what a moon pie is... Must be some great secret y'all are tryin to keep from us "fern'ers"
I always liked the banana moon pies with a half-pine of whole milk. There was one summer I was doing a guitar workshop at Shenandoah University, when I ate that very combination every day for breakfast. Man, have I got a craving for a banana moon pie.....
