Okay time to liven things up a bit with some jokes!

Is Sex Work?

A US Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"

A Major chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.

A Captain said it was 50-50%.

A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for his opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."

The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

The room fell silent.

 

BP has stopped the oil leak!!!!!!!






Apparently, they just put a huge wedding ring over the leak, and it stopped putting out.

 

Hell, if they'd have just put a huge diamond engagement ring over it it would have sucked all the oil back down into the hole.

 

Irish Cowboy

A cowboy with an Irish accent steps up to a bar in Texas and orders three mugs of beer.

He goes back to a table and sits alone, where he drinks a bit from each mug until they are all empty.

Then he goes back to the bar and orders three more mugs.

The bartender says, "You know, pardner, beer starts going flat as soon as I put it in a mug. You'd probably enjoy the beer more if you just ordered one beer at a time."

The man responds, "That's true, but the reason I drink this way is because I have two brothers. One still lives in Dublin and the other now lives in Australia. We all agreed that wherever we were we'd drink this way to remember the old days when we used to be together."

For nearly a year the Irish cowboy continues to frequent that bar, ordering beer three mugs at a time and emptying them together.

One evening he comes in and only orders two mugs.

The bartender, figuring out what must have happened, hands him his two mugs and says, "These are on the house. I'm sorry about the loss of one of your brothers."

"Oh no, you've got it all wrong, my friend. My brothers are both still alive and well. It's just that the wife and I recently joined the Baptist church and I have to quit drinking. Hasn't effected my brothers though..."

 

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, 'You graduated from the University of Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?'

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, 'Everything but my earrings'

 

only 2 years behind.. :tut:

earrings

 

I just had an argument with a girl I know. She was saying how it's unfair that if a guy sleeps with a different girl every week, he's a legend, but if a girl sleeps with just two guys in a year, she's a slut. So in response I told her that if a key opens lots of locks, then it's a master key. But if a lock is opened by lots of keys, then it's a shitty lock. That shut her up.

 

:up:

 

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, 'cause everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders".

Guess where I am now...

 

Good one. Is that Ron White material? I can just hear him doing that one.

 

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.

The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?'

'I'm out of gas,' the man replied.

The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.

'Try it now,' said one bee.

The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. 'Wow!' the man exclaimed, 'what did you put in my gas tank'?


The bee answered,

 

Saw that one coming a mile away.

 

You Have To Love This Lawyer........

The U.S. govt. is always good for a chuckle

Part of rebuilding New Orleans caused residents often to be challenged with the task of tracing home titles back potentially hundreds of years. With a community rich with history stretching back over two centuries, houses have been passed along through generations of family, sometimes making it quite difficult to establish ownership. Here's a great letter an attorney wrote to the FHA on behalf of a client.

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply:

(Actual reply from FHA)

"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:

(Actual response)

"Your letter regarding title in Case No.189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 206 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the United States from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Queen Isabella. The good Queen Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus's expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana. God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it, and the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our damn loan?"

The loan was immediately approved

 

A pony was giving a speech in a lecture hall. A man in the back couldn't hear so he told the pony to speak up.



The pony replied: "You'll have to excuse me, I'm a little horse."

 

Two painters, an old man and a youngster, were painting a very large home. It was getting late in the day when they reached the second floor.

Ahead of them was a very long corridor. The younger painter said, "I've had enough for one day. I'm going home."

The older painter started toward the corridor and responded, "Not me. I'm in this for the long hall."

 

Groooooooooooooooooooan!