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Okay time to liven things up a bit with some jokes!

Discussion in 'General' started by Pepe Le Ghey Pew, Oct 25, 2007.

  1. rainmanrm

    rainmanrm Well-Known Member

    The Fast One

    A middle aged man bought a brand new convertible Porsche. He took off
    down the road, pushed it up to 160 and was enjoying the wind blowing
    through his (thinning) hair.

    "This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed.
    But when he eventually looked in his rear-view mirror there was a
    Police Car behind him, blue lights flashing.

    "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he
    Floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 210 km/hr to escape
    being stopped.

    Then he thought, What the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of
    thing" and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the
    Police car to catch up with him.

    The Policeman pulled in behind the Porsche and walked up on the
    driver's side.

    "Sir, my Shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th.

    "If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before as to
    why you were speeding, I'll let you go."

    The man looked back at the Policeman and said,

    "Last week my wife ran off with a Policeman and I thought you were
    bringing her back."

    The Policeman said, "Have a nice day, sir"
     
  2. jigmoore

    jigmoore Banned

    don't worry....you can still post it again.
     
  3. panthercity

    panthercity Thread Killa

    An Irishman from Derry was walking through a field when he saw a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.

    The Irishman shouts "Ná hól an t-uisce, tá sé lán de chac bó"

    (Don't drink the water, it's full of cow shit.)

    The man shouts back "I'm English, speak English not gibberish,

    I don't understand you".

    The Derryman shouts back , "Use both hands, you'll get more in."
     
  4. panthercity

    panthercity Thread Killa

    Are you tired of those sissy friendship" poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality?

    Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.

    1 When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you that way.

    2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

    3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.

    4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

    5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.

    6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.

    7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want to catch whatever you have.

    8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

    9. This is my oath..... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask?, "Because you are my friend".

    Friendship is like peeing your pants: everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.
     
  5. rainmanrm

    rainmanrm Well-Known Member

    Sherlock Holmes

    Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent,
    and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.

    "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
    Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."

    "What does that tell you?"
    Watson ponders for a minute.

    "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of
    galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

    Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
    Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.

    Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.

    Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What
    does it tell you?"

    Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks.

    "Someone has stolen our tent"
     
  6. Johnny B

    Johnny B Cone Rights Activist

    Twenty Dollars

    On their wedding night, the young brideApproached her new Husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

    This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

    Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

    Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments. Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3Million, her husband was so astounded he couldd barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"


    That's when she shot him.
     
  7. Captain Squid

    Captain Squid Well-Known Member

    A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home, the man informs his wife of his new purchase.

    "Olympic condoms?", she asks, "What makes them so special?"

    "There are three colors," he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."

    "What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.

    "Gold of course," says the man proudly.

    The wife responds, "Really, why don't you wear Silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change."
     
  8. gixxernaut

    gixxernaut Hold my beer & watch this

    Billy Bob and Jimbo were haulin' ass in their 18 wheeler through a rural Georgia county when suddenly they see those dreaded blue lights flashing behind them. Billy Bob pulls the rig over and waits as the pot bellied sheriff slowly walks to his window. The sheriff climbs up on the step and pecks on the window.

    Billy Bob rolls the window down, hands the sheriff his license and waits. After a moment the sheriff says, "I'm gonna grant yer wish, son." He reaches in the window and slaps Billy Bob right across the face so hard Billy Bob's Scoal pouch falls in the floorboard.

    "What de hell was 'at fer?!?" Billy Bob screamed.

    Sheriff calmly replies, "Just grantin' yer wish son. Now I'm gonna let you go without writing you a ticket."

    The sheriff then slowly gets off the step, walks around to the other side of the cab, steps up and pecks on Jimbo's window. Jimbo rolls the window down.

    The sheriff then reaches in and slaps Jimbo across the face so hard an explosion of tobacco juice coats the interior of the passenger side of the cab.

    "What de hell was 'at fer?!?" Jimbo screamed.

    Sheriff calmly replies, "Just grantin' yer wish, son. We both know before you boys got two miles down the road you'd a looked at yer buddy and said, 'I wish he'd a tried slappin' me like that.'"
     
  9. Resident Plarp

    Resident Plarp drittsekkmanufacturing.com

    Q: What did the guy squirrel say to the girl squirrel?

    A: "Mind if I bust a nut in your hole?"
     
  10. Ptog

    Ptog I Miss Corner Working

    "Quoted"
    My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,
    > >bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be
    > >able to monitor my moods.
    > >We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it
    > >turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a
    > >big f@cking red mark on his forehead.
    > >Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond. Dumb ass.
    > >
     
  11. Ptog

    Ptog I Miss Corner Working

    A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reached over and sliced the man's penis off. Angrily, she tossed it out the car window.

    Driving behind the couple was a man and his 6-year-old daughter. The little girl was chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the penis smacked their car windshield, stuck for a moment, then flew off.

    Surprised, the daughter asked her father, "Daddy, what the heck was that?"

    Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replied, "It....it was only a bug, Honey."

    The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a moment said..

    "Sure had a big d!ck, didn't it?"
     
    lar3ry likes this.
  12. gixer1100

    gixer1100 CEREAL KILLER

    :clap: :crackup:
     
  13. RR_Kid

    RR_Kid Formerly YZF600boy

    Nynpho convention

    A man boarded anairplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
    He soon realized shewas heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.
    Eager to strike up aconversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"
    She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston "
    He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
    Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
    "Lecturer,"she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
    "Really?"he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
    "Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
    Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.
    I have alsodiscovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
    Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."
    "Tonto,"the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."
     
  14. rainmanrm

    rainmanrm Well-Known Member

    Oops...

    A man was approached by coworker at lunch who invited him out for a few
    beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it, that
    she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work. The
    coworker suggested a way to overcome that problem: "When you get home
    tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull
    down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and
    believe me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys." So the man
    agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself.

    Late that night, he sneaked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had to take a leak,so he told her he'd be right back, got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom. When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the pot. "How did you get in here?" he asked.

    "Shhhhh!!!" she replied, "you'll wake-up my mother!"
     
  15. gixxernaut

    gixxernaut Hold my beer & watch this

    After completing a 20 year vow of solitude a monk was allowed the liberty of spending an hour walking around in a large nearby town. It was like sensory overload with all the smells, lights, sounds and people. Lots of different people.

    Occasionally a scantily clad young woman would say, "Hey father, five bucks for a quickie!". Not knowing what she meant he would simply smile, bless her and be on his way.

    Upon getting back to the monastery he talked to his fellow monks, explaining the strange behavior of these young women. He asked if any of them knew what a "quickie" was. Nobody seemed to have a clue. One of them suggested that since only women were asking the question perhaps it was something women knew about. The suggestion was made that he gain audience with Mother Superior at the convent down the way and pose the question to her.

    Arrangements were made and a few days later the monk was standing in the presence of Mother Superior herself. Nervously he posed the question.

    "Mother, can you tell me what exactly is a quickie?"

    Her answer was direct and to the point: "Five bucks, same as in town."
     
  16. frackadelic

    frackadelic Buddha Stalin is Chronic

    :crackup: :clap: :crackup: :clap:
     
  17. frackadelic

    frackadelic Buddha Stalin is Chronic

    A man and women who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
    Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly.... he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
    At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold. "
    "I have a better idea, " she replied. " Just for tonight, let's just pretend that we're married. "
    "Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed!
    "Good, " she replied... "Get your own f**king blanket. "
     
  18. gixxernaut

    gixxernaut Hold my beer & watch this

    My fav of all time

    Oldie but goodie

    Superman had just bagged Lex Luther after months of frustrating setbacks. Feeling like celebrating he observed it was Friday afternoon. Perfect! He flew over to the Batcave and tried talking Batman into a night on the town. Batman says, "Sorry Supes, I just got a call from Commisioner Gordon. Going to have to don the ol' Cape and Cowl tonight. Besides, Robin's staying here this evening and he's too young to be hitting the kind of spots we like to frequent.

    Superman flies away thinking "Now what am I going to do?" Suddenly he notices the Flash buzzing around below. He flies down to see if Flash wants to go out partying.

    "Sorry big guy. I'm hot on a case right now. Gotta run!" And off he was in a ... well in a flash.

    So now Superman is getting really pissed. Nothing to do, nobody to play with and it's Friday afternoon. He's flying around when he uses his telescopic vision and notices Wonder Woman lying alone on a beach. Her costume is laying nearby but she's wearing nothing but those amazonia bracelets. To make it even better she's laying all spread-eagled and accessible.

    He thinks to himself, "Hey, I'm faster than a speeding bullet. I could superf**k her so quick she'd never know what happened". So he puts that plan into action.

    A few milliseconds later he's flying away zipping up his leotards with a big ol' shit eating grin all over his face.

    Meanwhile, back on the beach below, Wonder Woman says, "What in the hell was that?"

    The Invisible Man replies, "I don't know, but could you check and see if there's smoke coming out of my asshole?"
     
  19. rainmanrm

    rainmanrm Well-Known Member

    Don't matter....

    Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

    After six months or so, of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man standing there.

    "Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might like to come. About
    5:00."

    "Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

    As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you.....be some drinkin'." "Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

    Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

    "Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there, Thanks again."

    "More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"

    "Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"

    Don't much matter ..... Just gonna be the two of us."
     

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