Okay time to liven things up a bit with some jokes!

I can't believe it lasted 12 pages!

 

Y'all get a room and put on the gloves or take off your clothes, whatever it takes to get this crappola outta here.

 

The cheater spouse....

A man suspected his wife of cheating and came home early one day only see a lit cigarette in the ashtray. He was convinced that another man was in the appartment and frantically started looking around. As he looked outside the window he saw a man running out of the building 3 stories below. Not realizing what he was doing, he lifted a refrigerator and hurled it outside the window crushing the man below. In the process he has a heart attack and dies.

At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter asks the man. “What is your story?”
The man replied, “I caught my wife cheating on me and saw the man running out of the building. I hurled a refrigerator at him and had a heart attack.” St. Peter, “That is a sad story my son, you can go in.”

The next man came up and St. Peter asked him, “What is your story?”
The man replies, “I was late for work and running out of the building when this refrigerator came from nowhere and crushed me to death.” St. Peter, “That is a sad story my son, you can go in.”

The next man came up and St. Peter asked him, “What is your story?”
The man replies, “I was in this refrigerator…..”

 

A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!!!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."

The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny, I'm homesick."

 

Insurance....

Four insurance companies are in competition...

One comes up with the slogan: "Coverage from the cradle to the grave."

The second one tries to improve on that with: "Coverage from the womb to the tomb."

Not to be outdone, the third one comes up with: "From the sperm to the worm."

The fourth insurance company really thought hard and almost gave up the race, but finally came up with: "From the erection to the resurrection."

 

After leaving the bar, Sodium and Chloride end up in a drunken brawl in the parking lot. They were both arrested for assault.

 

On-Line friends

To All My on-line friends:

As the holidays approach, my heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on
envelopes 'cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to
seal an envelope.

Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water
buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from nor send packages by UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda,
Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my
free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because at last count I have 363,214
angels looking out for me.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I
forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about
to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time)

I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once I receive
the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in
their special email program.

 

From a show on Canadian TV, there was a black comedian who said he misses Bill Clinton.

"Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton! He was the closest thing we ever got to having a black man as President.
Number 1 - He played the sax.
Number 2 - He smoked weed.
Number 3 - He had his way with ugly white women.

Even now? Look at him... his wife works, and he doesn't! And, he gets a check from the government every month.

Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's shelves this week with " Clinton Soup" in honor of one of the nations most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.
Crysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada

When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, "I don't know, I never had one."

The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know."

Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky Panky between Bushes."
.... ya gotta love it

 

Men....

WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)

 

A string goes into a bar. Bartender sends him out. "We don't serve strings here!"

So the string puts on a disguise and tries again. The bartender sees through the disguise and sends him out again.

So he leans up against a wall, tangling himself up for all he's worth. Then he rubs his ends against the bricks until they are as fuzzed up as he can get them. He heads back into the bar.

Bartender says, "Aren't you that string that's been trying to get in here?"

The string replies, "I'm a frayed knot."




















(okay ... sound it out.)

 

Dear Lord...

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN

 

Finally - the last joke to close out this thread...

Snow White, Tom Thumb and Quasimodo were sitting around watching television one day when a commercial came on for the new "Guinness World Records" show. Snow perked up and said, "Hey, I wonder if I could get official recognition from Guinness for being the fairest person in the world?"

So they took a trip to the Guinness world record office. Tom and Quasimodo waited in the lobby as Snow went inside. About an hour later she came out all smiles. "It's Official!" she said, proudly waving a certificate over her head, "I'm the fairest one in all the world!".

Tom Thumb said, "I bet I'm the tiniest person in the world. Let me go find out." In he goes while Snow and Quasimodo wait outside. About an hour later Tom comes out dragging a certificate behind him. "Hey, whaddya know! I am officially the tiniest person in the world!"

Quasimodo, not to be outdone, says, "Well, I just have to be the ugliest person in the world." So Snow and Tom wait in the lobby as he goes inside. About 2 minutes later he comes out, visibly upset.

"Who the hell is Mongo?"

 

Snow White and Pinocchio

What did Snow White say when she sat on Pinocchio’s face?
Lie Pinocchio Lie….

 

The Queen and President Bush...

Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport, and President Bush strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen. They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of cheering Britons. All is going well.

Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is atrocious, and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but the two heads of State do their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen turns to President Bush, "Mr. President please accept my regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

George Bush, always trying to be "Presidential," replied, "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."

 

Best bar in the world!

An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

The Irishman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"

The Italian and Pole agree that MacDougal's sounds like a nice place.

Then the Italian says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink."

They all agree that Vinny's sounds like a great bar.

Then the Polish guy says, "You think that's great? Where I come from, there's this place called Warshowski's. At Warshowski's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"

"Well, no," replies the Polish guy, "but it happened to my sister"

 

Tequila

A guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be a few thousand dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks, 'What's with the jar?'
'Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Corvette Z06.'
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. 'What are the three tests?'
'Pay first, those are the rules,' says the bartender.
So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.
'OK,' the bartender says, 'Here's what you need to do:
'First - you have to drink that entire liter of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once...and you can't make a face while doing it.'

'Second, there's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.'
'Third - there's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never had an orgasm. You've gotta make things right for her.'
The man is stunned. 'I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a liter of pepper tequila, and then do those other things...'

'Your call,' says the bartender, 'but your money stays where it is.'
As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks, 'Where zat tequila?'
He grabs the liter with both hands and downs it with a big slurp.
Tears stream down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside. They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then... silence.

Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.

'Now,' he says... 'Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?