Three men lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial. The first step of the trial was to enter the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So, all three men went separate ways to gather fruits. The first one came back and said to the king, “I brought ten apples.” The king then explained, “Next, you have to shove the fruits up your butt without so much as an expression on your face, or you’ll be eaten.” The first apple went in, but on the second he winced in pain, and was killed. The second one arrived, and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…and on the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter, and was killed. The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, “Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!” The second one replied, “I couldn’t help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples.” King of the Jungle Two new members of a hunting lodge get introduced to its oldest member. They ask him to tell his favorite hunting story, and he agrees. “Well, back in 1944 in Africa,” the old man starts, “we went big-game hunting. Didn’t have much luck at first, but on the third day I was resting by a tree when I heard a noise. Next thing I know the biggest lion I’ve ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this…RO-A-A-R-R-R! Well, I just shit my pants.” The young men are amazed. One of them says, “I don’t blame you. I’d crap my pants too if a lion jumped at me like that!” The old man shakes his head and says, “No, no, not then—just now when I said roar!”
Did you forget who you're talking to mister? I am a woman, therefore I can roll my eyes at anybody at any time. It's a privilege, esp. for me these days.
joke for you... A city boy, John A____, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have somebad news, the donkey died." John replied, "Well then, just give me my money back." The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already." John said, "OK then, at least give me the donkey." The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?" John, "I'm going to raffle him off." Farmer, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" John, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead." A month later the farmer met up with John and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?" John, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at 2 dollars a piece and made a profit of $898." Farmer, "Didn't anyone complain?" John, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his 2 dollars back." John grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron. Or was it WorldCom, maybe Haliburton...!
Stop me if you heard this one, but I was just told it last weekend. Anyway. Little Johnnys mom and dad are upstairs saturday morning prepearing for a little boogy in the marital bed, while the five year old is downstairs watching cartoons. So Daddys standing bucknaked by the side of the bed with mommy, lying on the bed, watching him struggle to get a condom on. Just as he gets the condom on, little Johnny appears at the bedroom door. To hide what he is doing, daddy quickly turns away from Johnny and starts pretending to search under the bed for something. "What are you doing daddy?" "Well, Johnny" starts the dad, a little embarrased. "your mommy just spotted a little mouse under the bed and I'm looking for it" "What daddy? are you going to f*ck it?"
