How long to let an elderly loved one be independent?

To answer your original question:

1. When they crash the car for no reason
2. When they set the kitchen (or other room) on fire

Most old people are afraid of hospitals and nursing homes, because that's where you go to die. They want to stay in their own homes no matter what, even to the point of creating the burden on others that they say they want to avoid.

I went thru this with my parents. Eventually, my father couldn't care take mom and she went into a home (dementia). He later followed for medical reasons. It was a six year battle, many thanks to my brother for stepping up day to day.

My wife is going thru this now. Her mom has inner ear problems (balance), eye issues and can barely hear. But, she won't use a walker or cane because "it makes her look old". She's 90. You can't convince her to treat herself correctly, yet she complains all the time. It's a never ending battle. You just have to roll with it.

Her husband care takes her for now, but we're careening towards that care home pretty quickly. Worse, he needs a knee operation, but can't be laid up due to her problems.

For those of you who worry about falls, see if you can convince your parent to get a medical alert. It's a start.

 

Have you guys looked into senior living communities, instead of the dreaded "nursing home"?

Perhaps, if she learns about a place where she'll be able to live on her own, condo/apt-ish, where she can interact with other folks her age and condition without it being a "nursing home" she'll be more inclined to go with it? Less maintenance costs to deal with and those places might offer 'help' at a lower cost since they might be there for a handful of other people already.

I'm convinced that elderly folks fear nursing homes just because of all the bad experiences we heard about back in the 70's and 80's about them and the overall stigma that they don't take good care of people. I also agree that depending on what meds they're on, on top of the fear of being forced to do something they don't want, the meds amplify those fears, making them almost impossible to deal with at times.

I have an aunt/uncle who were being abandoned by their daughter. My sister and I located an adult living community with a room and moved them in, it was tiny but they were surrounded by similar folks, they have free busing to the local grocer, the hospital and some medical groups, etc....overall, the ideal set up for independent older folks who can't drive any longer. Def something to consider.

 

Lots of great suggestions here... all of which we've already considered, though. I appreciate the candor and the suggestions to "just talk to her"... But I don't think those who are posting that simplistic answer truly understand the hardheadedness we're talking about here!

We finally did get her to get a Life Alert when she fell off of the coffeetable she had climbed up on to change a lightbulb in the ceiling fan. It tipped over, and she broke her femur. She lay there for almost four hours until her neighbor friend came over just randomly. My MIL has been on blood thinners for years. There's no logical explanation why she didn't bleed out from this injury.

Following that injury, she went into an aftercare rehab facility that is part of a senior living community. NICE place. EXPENSIVE as shit. But she has enough savings, income, and benefits to last her about 20 years there before we would have to come up with any funds to cover her care. (Price isn't the issue here) She would not leave her room. Would not participate in any activities with "those OLD people". Could not wait until the day she could GO HOME.

I guess I'm just looking for a magic bullet... Something that will fix what is pretty clearly an unfixable situation.

We are pretty much reduced to two choices: Let her continue to live at home, even though that could kill her, or put her in a home against her will... which likely would kill her (and she's hate us for it)

Distilled into that clarity, I suppose the answer is obvious. It's still not going to ease the self-doubt when we inevitably get that call, though.

 

This is a tough situation, and I am sorry you are dealing with it right now. My grandpa is 90 years old and adamantly refuses to be a burden. My parents brought him into their home and care for him 24 hours a day - but he keeps asking to go to a home so he doesn’t inconvenience them. They refuse and continue to care for him.

He is stubborn and willful and has to do anything he is able to, alone. He feeds himself, to the neglect of his nutrition, he won’t allow us to thicken his liquids so he can drink, he reads books on his own (I think he can’t see the print and refuses to admit it), and makes my mom work extra hard to turn him in the bed for sheer amusement.

My parents are on a cruise for two weeks so he is in a home until they return. I sat with him while he ate his breakfast yesterday and he talked about his last motorcycle, the time when the frame on his Indian Scout cracked in half and was only held together by the chain, asked me what I was riding, and damn near looked like he was flying when he talked about how it felt when you twist the throttle and take off down the road. That man was a rider, pilot, a writer, and a hooligan. He fought in two wars, became a teacher and a minister - and now it takes over a minute for him to wipe the food off his face that he dribbled. He had a leg amputated less than a year ago, is wheelchair bound, and needs help 24 hours a day. And no one will remember him in a few generations.

Imagine yourself there - and ask yourself - looking down the road from where you are now - how stubborn you would be to lose what little freedom you had left in your life.

All you can do is talk to her. I know it feels candid, but end of life is not fun. Some people are dragged kicking and screaming.

 

Well said.

 

And you fuckers wonder why I love her.

 

It isn't you loving her that is questionable.....

 

You don't look a gift horse in the mouth.

 

Holy crap. Are you my brother? We have gone through almost exactly that same situation with my grandmother. One of the times she fell and couldn’t get back up (or maybe it was one of the times she got dehydrated because she doesn’t drink enough water unless someone basically forces her to drink) she ended up in a rehab facility. She complained the entire time she was there that She was lonely, but she refused to participate in any of the activities. She even refused to go to the dining room for meals, and just ate them in her room by herself.

It's perplexing as all hell watching her trying to not be a burden on anyone and thereby becoming a much bigger burden on everyone because of her pigheadedness. Sorry to hear anyone else is having to go through the exact same thing.

 

Oh, I think quite a lot of folks do understand the hardheadedness. If I could suggest something: your problem/responsibility, in my view, is not to control or manage your
MIL's eventual demise, it is to be emotionally supportive to your wife, with tactical suggestions (swearing at MIL included) here and there. This is something to endure, there
is no getting around it. Of course you will have questions about did I do/say/whatever the right/best thing. That is natural, and quite honestly, irrelevant. What matters is what will be remembered, that you were there, really there. It takes a lot of strengh to do so and it sounds like you are doing a fine job. The stages are enormously frustrating and grueling, and seemingly never ending, the hits just keep on coming on the downward
trajectory. I ended up in rehab as a result. Don't let that happen to you, or anyone else in your family. Acceptance is a powerful tool. Pull together, give one another space to vent and support one another. Come here and scream the house down. We're listening.

 

After my Dad died, my Mom was living alone in an apartment in an assisted living place. She fell and broke her leg (again) putting her into the the nursing home section. She eventually healed and with much "assistance" from me she could barely manage a walker. She wanted to stay in the nursing home and have her meals delivered to her room and just basically sit. Perhaps I was wrong but I got her moved out of there to a new assisted living place where she had to walk to the dining room and to activities. It got her 3 more years of better living until yet again her knees just gave out. Now she is wheel chair bound in a nursing home. It sucks, not the home or the people, they are fine...just the whole damn situation. I constantly look for something, anything that would be better...other than little things like putting a bird feeder outside her window...nothing.

 

That matters. And will be remembered. Perhaps not by the people you want/expect. Well done you.

 

I’m 50, never been married and probably never will be, no kids. Most likely won’t ever have to worry about family members pulling me from my home, when I get old and unable to care for myself. I count myself lucky in that regard.

If this situation changes and I do have loved ones still alive, as an adult, I will have final say over where I live my days out. It might very well be in assisted living, but most likely it will be right in my home.

In that same regard, I do not want to be a burden on those loved ones, or be a hard-headed old prick. I would hope that I would make it very clear to them that I alone am responsible for my health and welfare, and they have no obligation to care for me. I don’t expect it and don’t want it.

I’m an adult and I get to decide how I end. In that regard, most of the scenarios that I run through my mind are preferable to being warehoused in acute care, being kept alive at all costs, and living a personal hell. That will never happen. There are many situations worse than death.

I hope that I will be able to articulate these wishes to loved ones when the time comes.

 

Cuz, like her momma, she's more likely to cave in and take care of your geriatric ass one day?

 

Hahaha. Nope. I am going to get him the hottest red-headed nurse I can find.

 

I want one too.