French come to the rescue

Thank God the French stepped up to the plate and took control of the situation in
Ivory Coast.

No one, I repeat, no one knows how to flee like the French.

 

Just to add my .02


Q: How can you identify a French Infantryman?
A: Sunburned armpits.

Q. Why did the French plant trees along the Champs Elysees?
A. So the Germans could march in the shade.

Q: How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris?
A: Nobody knows, it's never been tried.

AND TO ADD:

"France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes." —Mark Twain

"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it." —Marge Simpson

An old saying: Raise your right hand if you like the French.... Raise both hands if you are French.

 

History of French 'warfare'

- Gallic Wars
- Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

- Hundred Years War
- Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." Sainted.

- Italian Wars
- Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

- Wars of Religion
- France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

- Thirty Years War
- France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

- War of Revolution
- Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

- The Dutch War
- Tied

- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War
- Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

- War of the Spanish Succession
- Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

- American Revolution
- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

- French Revolution
- Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

- The Napoleonic Wars
- Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

- The Franco-Prussian War
- Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

- World War I
- Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

- World War II
- Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

- War in Indochina
- Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

- Algerian Rebellion
- Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

- War on Terrorism
- France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France collapses?"

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage."

Or, better still, the quote from last week's Wall Street Journal: "They're there when they need you."



With only an hour and a half of research, Jonathan Duczkowski provided the following losses:

Norse invasions, 841-911.
After having their way with the French for 70 years, the Norse are bribed by a French King named Charles the Simple (really!) who gave them Normandy in return for peace. Normans proceed to become just about the only positive military bonus in France's [favour] for next 500 years.

Mexico, 1863-1864.
France attempts to take advantage of Mexico's weakness following its thorough thrashing by the U.S. 20 years earlier ("Halls of Montezuma"). Not surprisingly, the only unit to distinguish itself is the French Foreign Legion (consisting of, by definition, non-Frenchmen). Booted out of the country a little over a year after arrival.

Panama jungles 1881-1890.
No one but nature to fight, France still loses; canal is eventually built by the U.S. 1904-1914.

Napoleonic Wars.
Should be noted that the Grand Armee was largely (~%50) composed of non-Frenchmen after 1804 or so. Mainly disgruntled minorities and anti-monarchists. Not surprisingly, these performed better than the French on many occasions.

Haiti, 1791-1804.
French defeated by rebellion after sacrificing 4,000 Poles to yellow fever. Shows another rule of French warfare; when in doubt, send an ally.

India, 1673-1813.
British were far more charming then French, ended up victors. Therefore the British are well known for their tea, and the French for their whine (er, wine...). Ensures 200 years of bad teeth in England.

Barbary Wars, middle ages-1830.
Pirates in North Africa continually harass European shipping in Meditteranean. France's solution: pay them to leave us alone. America's solution: kick their asses ("the Shores of Tripoli"). [America's] first overseas victories, won 1801-1815.

1798-1801, Quasi-War with U.S.
French privateers (semi-legal pirates) attack U.S. shipping. U.S. fights France at sea for 3 years; French eventually cave; sets precedent for next 200 years of Franco-American relations.

Moors in Spain, late 700s-early 800s.
Even with Charlemagne leading them against an enemy living in a hostile land, French are unable to make much progress. Hide behind Pyrennes until the modern day.

French-on-French losses (probably should be counted as victories too, just to be fair):

1208: Albigenses Crusade, French massacared by French.
When asked how to differentiate a heretic from the faithful, response was "Kill them all. God will know His own." Lesson: French are badasses when fighting unarmed men, women and children.

St. Bartholomew Day Massacre, August 24, 1572.
Once again, French-on-French slaughter.

Third Crusade.
Philip Augustus of France throws hissy-fit, leaves Crusade for Richard the Lion Heart to finish.

Seventh Crusade.
St. Louis of France leads Crusade to Egypt. Resoundingly crushed.

[Eighth] Crusade.
St. Louis back in action, this time in Tunis. See Seventh Crusade.

Also should be noted that France attempted to hide behind the Maginot line, sticking their head in the sand and pretending that the Germans would enter France that way. By doing so, the Germans would have been breaking with their traditional route of invading France, entering through Belgium (Napoleonic Wars, Franco-Prussian War, World War I, etc.). French ignored this though, and put all their effort into these defenses.

 

Yeah but we need the French to make things legitimate in Iraq.

 

We don't need france for anything.....

I'm hoping that they connect Chirac to the oil for food bribery deal and he is disgraced, along with the UN (all of them)

Talk is all they do.....solves nothing in this type of scenario.

Sometimes a little ass-kicking is required and france *collectively* doesn't have the balls to do it.

Who needs the whiny socialist pricks.....not me

 

I can see why you don't like Chirac but I don't understand why everyone in the US singles out the french. Why is it you complain about them and not mention the UK, Germany, the rest of the EU, South Korea, Russia and every other country whose population opposed invading Iraq?

 

My problem is with the government, not necessarily the people.

I've been to France a few times and found that if I was nice to them, they were nice to me. All this in spite of the fact that it was obvious that I am an American.

 

Easy now, I kinda like French salad dressing! Does that come from France?

Or should I start calling it "Freedom" salad dressing?

 

I dont dislike the french because the population opposes the war in Iraq. I have plenty of other reasons:
general cowardice
stinky people
rude attitudes
lack of gratitude
Le Car
Le Madeleine prices
harboring of terrorists (not made up, its true)
rampant anti semitism
Beret's


the list goes on an on. They are french, therefore I hate.

The ONLY positives: Cliquot champagne, Michelin tires, 24 Hours Du Mans.

 

Lack of gratitude and harboring terrorists would be the biggest points with me.

If they want to be the chickenshits of the international community, just leave them out and get on with the show.

 

Jacque Pepin is pretty cool. Other than that I'm short of decent Frenchies.

 

If you were a French civilian living there, how would you handle the situation?

 

Re: Re: French come to the rescue

You hope as hell that the US in on its way!?

 

During the Napoleonic Wars a British Major was captured and taken before a French General for questioning. The General asked the major, "You English must be crazy. You all wear those bright red coats that make you easy to spot and makes better targets of all of you. Why would you choose such an insane color for your uniforms?" The major replied that the red coats were used as the red camouflaged the blood when a soldier was shot and therefore avoided panic from setting in when in combat.

Which is why French officers have worn brown pants ever since.

 

Re: Re: French come to the rescue

I don't have much use for the French but, at least in this case, I think the Surrender Monkeys made the right move.

ABIDJAN, Ivory Coast - As club-wielding mobs surged through Ivory Coast's largest city hunting for foreigners, national figures urged them on: "Rise up against French imperialism." "Sever the umbilical cord." "If I find my French man, I will eat him."

The hatred broadcast on television and radio - even cell phone text messages - poured out incendiary viciousness not heard since Rwanda's 1994 genocide, U.N. officials and Western diplomats say.

http://start.earthlink.net/newsarticle?cat=7&aid=D86EGM785_story

 

Q: Did ya hear about the French Army tank???










































A: It has 1 speed forward, and 4 reverse....

 

the reverse gears are labeled:

Attack speed 1
Attack speed 2
Attack speed 3
Attack speed 4

French tanks can also be identified by the backup lights

 

Re: Re: French come to the rescue

Run like hell, it's the only thing that would come to mind.

 

If it weren't for the French (Think American Revolution and war of 1812) we would be speaking.....well English.

 

Instead of? Ebonics?
http://www.joel.net/EBONICS/translator.asp